Let the games begin: Part 2a

Welcome back, readers! Thanks for bearing with my absence. The Army decided to make me play “shift the space” with our holiday plans at the last minute, so I was scrambling to have our Christmas preparations done a few days earlier than planned. As soon as K got home we visited family for a couple of days, and by the time we got back and got settled into K’s last leave, I was just exhausted and needed some real down time and not just the pretend kind. But I’m back (with a vengeance!) and planning on catching up as much as I can.

Yesterday marked the first day of our “deployed” status. Or as I will call it here, “Part 2a” (2b starts when K leaves the country). Yesterday was also the day that we have been preparing and waiting for practically since the end of his last deployment. All the major changes we made in our lives for the last few years have been made to accommodate this single and long-lasting event. At 9 in the morning—in spite of the snow storm moving through our neck of the woods—K got on a plane to head back to his pre-mobilization station for another couple months of training before he ships out overseas. We won’t see him again until he either comes home on leave sometime mid-way through the deployment, or when he gets home at the end of the deployment. So, probably 4-6 months at the earliest and 11 months at the latest. Since we have little kids I’m guessing time will speed along faster than I expect just like always.

It’s hard to describe everything I felt yesterday without a twinge of guilt. For comparison’s sake, and as I’ve mentioned in earlier posts, when K left last deployment, I was more than a wreck. I’m not sure how much of that had to do with post-partum hormonal shenanigans and the tension brought on by caring for a preemie baby, but I worked myself up into such a state of anxiousness and worst-case scenario contemplation, I made myself physically ill. That, in turn, added a layer of shame and self-loathing for letting my emotions get the better of me, which then set off a frenzied undercurrent of self-doubt that I wouldn’t be able to handle everything. It has taken me a very long time to make peace with that particular feeling as it stuck with me like a barnacle for years. None of those early feelings were the best way to start a major life change, that’s for sure. In hind-sight, I couldn’t help but set myself up for failure (at least on my own terms—milage may vary with someone else’s perspective on my situation) given my complete lack of understanding of what a deployment entailed.

Our parting of the ways was so different this time. There were no tears, no drama (other than the fact that the snow plow guy showed up to clear the driveway just as our friend V came to take K to the airport causing a flurry of activity that cut into our last bit of quiet time together), no sadness, no worries, and best of all no vomiting. We made a couple of jokes, wished each other a good (safe) year, and I told K that I wanted us to find something positive in all this to make our separation worthwhile this time (and I mean to do just that). If I had to pick the major emotion of the day, I think we both felt relief that this whole thing was finally underway. Not only that, and I almost hate to say it, but I felt good. Confident and able. I’m ready. I wouldn’t say I’m excited exactly, but there are many things I’m really looking forward to this year (which I’ll share at a later date) that may not have come about if K were home. And I think K probably feels the same way about his new responsibilities for the coming year. While going to a dangerous place, he is also getting the opportunity to do some new things that really interest and excite him that he would not have been able to do had he stayed. I am also incredibly grateful that the back and forth is ending. We can get into a regular routine that won’t be interrupted every few weeks. And with the holidays over, I feel downright giddy at the prospect of some kind of new normal.

As much as I really disliked the coming and going of the last few months, I will admit that it probably helped the kids get used to K leaving as well as being gone. R was able to give him a hug and a kiss good-bye without crying either, and Monkey just murmured in his sleep. I’m sure they don’t quite grasp just how long he’ll be gone, and they will probably get hit later with missing K, but they were both great about everything. I took them to see The Princess and the Frog in the morning, and then we spent part of the afternoon outside playing in the snow (I shoveled and took pictures and they played). I got a few things done around the house, we had dinner together, and we hung out just like always when K is away. I purposely didn’t make a big deal out of our new change in status and the day passed quietly and with a few laughs even. I could not have hoped for better.

If I wish anything for us this coming year, it’s that I gain enough inner peace to compensate for the simmering anger I normally haul around, and that the kids stay as happy all year long as they were playing in the snow yesterday.

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I’ll be back

I know it’s been too long since I last wrote, but I will be back regularly after January 2nd. We had a more chaotic Christmas than normal (and planned) and I’ll explain it all when I get back. With all the work to make Christmas happen, I really needed a long break to relax and reset my brain for the coming months as well as enjoy this last week with K before he heads out for the long haul. In the meantime, I want to thank everyone who has been coming by to read my ramblings. It means very much to me to have an audience. I also wanted to wish you all a very Happy New Year. I hope 2010 is a satisfying and fulfilling year for all of us.

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Permanent Ink

As I mentioned, this past weekend was our last getaway for a bit, and before we hit the coast, we checked off another activity on our “Things to do before K. leaves” list–new tattoos. K. and I got our first tattoos together about 14 years ago before we even got married. I got Nittany Lion paws to commemorate my college days (because I will always love my school—and I still love my paws even though Monkey insists that they are Blue’s Clues!) and K. got a Celtic knot design that the artist made to look like carved stone. For my 35th birthday K. took me out to get my next tattoo (he didn’t know what he wanted at the time otherwise I suspect it would have been another two-fer). I chose a Celtic design too–this time of a dog. It came out awesome, and the place where I had it done liked it enough that they put the picture of it on their site as part of the tattoo artist’s portfolio. Here’s what that one looks like:

So this time around, I knew exactly what I wanted but it was K.’s turn, so I was willing to put mine off if need be. That was only fair. It took him a little while to figure out what he wanted and a little longer to find the art work, and then with a little tweaking on my part, this is what he had done:

It does have meaning to him in relation to his time in his National Guard unit, but I’m not at liberty to explain it. Nonetheless, I think it came out great, and most importantly, K. is extremely happy with it.

Now on to mine…One of the concepts closest to my heart is balance. While physically, I have damn good balance (I like “tree pose” in yoga quite a bit!), my life, conversely, generally seems out of balance—to me at least. There are never enough hours in the day to pre-teach Monkey, play with the dogs, shuttle around R., hang out with K., feed everyone multiple times, keep up with housework, do my freelance work, write, read, paint, relax, and still sleep. Keeping “wants” and “needs” in the proper proportions is tricky. Keeping balanced is something I struggle with for what seems like each minute of every day. I try to be mindful of it and I do my best to keep my equilibrium, but it seems like I am always faltering and tipping over. One thing I’ve learned from the little bit of yoga I have done is that balance is not a fixed point. Balance takes constant shifting and readjustment. I forget that. So, in order to forget that less, I decided to make my newest tattoo about balance.

I took the two Chinese characters that make up the word “eqilibrium” or “balance,” broke them apart and put one on each of my wrists. When I put my arms together, they make the whole word.

Just like this!

I am pretty tickled with it. Although actually getting the tattoo did not tickle in the slightest. Like childbirth, you sort of forget exactly how painful the event can be which allows you to have another one. I had to do some serious deep breathing exercises to keep from wincing or kicking the artist by accident. I was thankful to have picked something that would finish up quickly. I won’t claim that I am done getting tattoos, but I’m good for now. And even better? I’ll always have balance whatever I do and wherever I go. I win.

I’ve got a year and a little before K. gets home again…perhaps I’ll find some meaning in all this that I would like to remember forever and we can go mark the occasion in permanent ink once more.

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Happiest place in my universe.

This weekend K. and I were lucky enough to be able to get away one last time before he takes off. My parents took pity on us and came up to hang out with all the kiddos (both furry and not furry) as well as celebrate Monkey’s birthday a little early so we could escape. It could not have come at a better time. I think we were both burned out and over-tired. K. was overwhelmed with the myriad of last minute things going on at work and I was becoming frustrated with all the little (and seemingly obvious) things I kept forgetting needed to be done. For instance, I had realized that I didn’t have a local emergency contact if something happens to me and that the budget I had put together was pretty much wrong. Every time I turn around these days I find another project that needs to get done before Winter and K. can’t get through half a day at home without getting a handful of calls from work. It’s busy.

To say that we couldn’t wait to get the hell out of Dodge was an understatement. I ran errands for the entire morning making sure the kids, dogs, and my parents had everything they needed for the weekend. Food shopping was completed, prescriptions filled. I had packed more things than I could have ever needed for a 36-hour period–which is typical for me–but I like to be prepared for any eventuality. Packed my art bag, my laptop, purse (if you want to call my travel shoulder bag that), and a backpack with more comfy clothes than going out clothes. I was ready.

We were off to the coast to stay at the house of a wonderful, and very generous cousin of mine. We’ve stayed there many times over the years and it has become one of my favorite destinations on the planet. The location exudes tranquility, and pretty much every window in the house has an ocean view to help facilitate that serene vibe. The room we usually sleep in is close enough to the water that the sound of the waves crashing against the rocks puts us under in no time and keeps us slumbering nicely all through the night until the sun peeps over the horizon and into the room waking us gradually. It’s the way sleep should be and I can never get enough of it. This house is where I go when I need to locate my inner peace, and sometimes when I can’t get there, all I have to do is think about sitting in the living room with its many large windows looking out to that seemingly endless ocean and vast sky and I feel a calmness settle over me. I can’t help but be happy there.

Here’s why:

The rocky shore near our bedroom.

The gray horizon on this overcast day.

Even K. loves to stare at the loveliness of the ocean.

This weekend it poured for most of Saturday and was overcast today, and I didn’t care at all. Honestly, I was happy for it. I just wanted the chance to enjoy the quiet and collect my head. We didn’t talk too much–but after as long as we’ve been together, we don’t always need to. It certainly wasn’t a tense silence so much as it was just being. This is our second deployment, so we’ve had the big, important “If this happens…” conversations before. I was grateful for a less than deep weekend. We hung out and read and played computer games and I did some writing. We vegged mostly and I was happy to marinade.

We did go out in public a little before we settled into a whole lot of not much. We had breakfast at my absolute favorite restaurant/diner ever. I always say that if I ever know I’m going to have to have a last meal, I want it to come from this place. And this year, they moved to a building at the bottom of my cousin’s street, so it was even that much easier to get to–not that it would have mattered if it were behind barbed wire, fire swamps or R.O.U.S’s. The food is fantastic, and the ambiance is cozy yet retro 50′s cottage. The waitstaff is pleasant without being corny and the kitchen efficient and creative. Some times I wish I were more creative with my meal choices, but why fix something that isn’t broke? I tend to stick with the french toasted breads and K. goes for any and all (depending on how often we get there) eggs benedict variations. If they were open at night, I’d eat every meal there and try everything on the menu. Of course I’d way a ton and never be able to leave so they’d have to feed me anyway…

We also made stops downtown to the local toy store, bakery, and chocolatier. The toy store is about as wide as a two people standing next to each other with their arms open and there are toys floor to ceiling. They run the gambit from toys you can get anywhere, to some really awesome and quirky Japanese imports. I could spend hours poking around in there and spend hundreds, but I restrain myself so that I can spend some money at the chocolatier. They make most of the chocolates and truffles and fudge right there on the premises and I don’t think I’ve ever left empty-handed. Everything there is high-quality and melt-in-your-mouth-stick-to-your-thighs delicious. I would apprentice both my kids there if I thought it would get me unlimited free chocolate for the rest of my days (which would be incredibly short given how much I’d eat…). Then it’s off to our Second Breakfast supplier for coffee and chai to go with our chocolate oaties and cherry squares. There are really not enough snack times in the day to make a dent in their amazing offerings, but we try the best we can.

There is something to be said for eating and sleeping your cares away. We did eventually go home and while I was glad to get nearly knocked down by enthusiastic children and dogs alike, I was feeling even better about recharging my inner peace battery.

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