Phase 3 approaching fast

Thanksgiving is coming and I have many milestones behind me and people in my life to be thankful for. At the top of the pile of thankful events is the deployment phase of this journey is coming to a close. K is on the way home from Afghanistan as I write. Getting home for him is like planes, trains, and automobiles…or maybe more like camels, helicopters, and cargo planes. Needless to say, it’s a long trip. I know he is thankful to be making it no matter how convoluted and drawn out it is. Every leg of the trip is one step closer to a real bed, good food, green grass, and an internet connection that works all the time.

When people hear that K’s coming home, inevitably the first thing they say to me is, “You must be so excited!” I never know how to respond without looking like a complete ass. Sure, I’m relieved that he’s coming back in one piece. Beyond that, I’m cautiously optimistic. Last time K returned from a deployment it did not go well and continued to not go well for quite some time. Some of that was thanks to the Army’s lack of support for returning soldiers at the time, some was due to my inexperience and inflated expectations, and some was due to how K was handling his return—or not handling his return—and all the issues inherent in that. It was sort of a perfect crap storm. We hope with the knowledge from past experience, this time will be better or at the very least, shorter.

The return from deployment is the hardest part of this cycle for both the soldier and the family. Unlike what the general population may like to think, it’s not like the world is suddenly righted when a soldier comes home. There’s no burst of sunlight through the clouds, nor do unicorns frolic in and out of a double rainbow—although that would be novel. A typical year brings with it all kinds of natural changes. Kids get taller and more mature, rules change, new routines are established, and challenges are overcome. In the case of military families, new bonds are forged with the people you come to rely on, whether it be at home or in a war zone, soldiers experience the stress of combat and homesickness, and families struggle to maintain some sort of normalcy and spouses manage single-parenting logistics ad nauseam. Those extra layers of change are the most effecting. You learn a lot about yourself—your limitations, strengths, tolerances, priorities. The complication comes in when you try to reestablish your life as a family the way it used to be before the deployment. Life does not go back to “normal” after a year apart. To think it will is certainly optimistic, but definitely not realistic. You have to establish something new or at the very least, different.

Creating anything new takes work—and a whole lot of it. The problem in the case of forming a new post-deployment life is that it’s being taken on by mentally and physically exhausted people who really don’t have the luxury of rest because life is not stopping while they gather themselves. You can imagine that sometimes it’s a bit like watching a drunk person try to navigate a corn maze. Sometimes they make a lucky turn and other times they fall down on their ass and wonder which direction is up. Eventually they get through it, but it takes a long time and many run-ins with dead ends. Much like not being able to catch up on sleep when you have been sleep deprived, you can’t really catch up on a year apart even when you do your best to communicate. There will always be a swath of events, inside jokes, and stories that you will not have in common and can only hear about so many times before you feel like an outsider. The soldier doesn’t really understand what the spouse goes through and the spouse certainly does not know what the soldier goes through (unless they have served as well). I call it the Immutable Law of Forced Distance Over Time. I’m sure some would argue that soldiers have it worse than those left at home, but those same people are probably not the ones who are left behind. Personally, I believe the hardships are borne like church and state: separate but equal. I can promise that if couples start trying to pick apart who had it worse, resentment will flourish like goldenrod in Fall. Understanding that it wasn’t easy for anyone is probably the best stance to take no matter which side of the equation you are on.

Is there a magic trick or secret for a successful post deployment life? If I knew the answer to that, the book would be written, and I’d be a bit richer not to mention in a completely different frame of mind. Every couple’s relationship is different and some weather these times better than others. I also know not just from experience, but from seeing other military couples go through the same thing that people underestimate the force, frequency, and duration of the ripples a deployment can cause even in the steadiest of relationships and inevitably it takes them by surprise. Like I said, I cannot offer answers because I don’t have any—nor do I believe that the techniques used in one relationship’s success translates into success in another’s, but I think the best thing for anyone dealing with life after deployment is to dig deep and find the extra patience and compassion it takes to get through each day until that new life kicks in. Soldiers need to accept that life at home went on because that’s what it does and you can’t just reinsert yourself and think that will work, and spouses need to understand that coming home is not just culture shock, but a completely different mindset to adjust to that goes way beyond coming home at the end of the day from work. Being in the military is a 24/7 lifestyle and not a 9-5 job. Both need to recognize that shifting gears is not easy and that somewhere there is still common ground to stand on. You just have to find it and go from there.

Beyond those general insights into what life post-deployment is like, I would like to offer a piece or two of advice to people welcoming home soldiers. First, please try not to say things like, “You must be glad/happy/overjoyed to be home!” That is a given. Wouldn’t you rather be home than being shot at in the mountains of Afghanistan or the sands of Iraq? You could just say you are happy they are home, or ask how they are like you would anyone else. Letting soldiers know they are appreciated and that you care about them is fantastic and important, but please don’t ask if they will have to go back again soon. Let them enjoy being home. And don’t ask their spouses that question either. We don’t care to think about doing this again anymore than the soldiers do. In many cases—especially in the Guard—the answer is either “Not at all” or “Not for a while” anyway. If they will be leaving again in the future, you will hear about it when the time is right. Instead, you might want to ask if they have special plans now that they are back or something to look forward to like a vacation or new job.  Just remember that soldiers are not sideshows and you should be fine.

When K gets home, we plan on being as low-key as humanly possible for a bit. It’s thisclose to Winter up here and the instinct to hibernate is pretty strong as it is, but wanting to simply adjust to being civilians again will be even stronger. We will be having a quiet Christmas with the kids and will get around to visiting family and friends once K has had time to work through the 8.5 hour time difference and remember that every other word he says doesn’t need to start with “F.” We are incredibly grateful to everyone who has helped us get through this year whether you sent care packages, watched the kids, or just listened to us when we needed an ear. Your contribution to making the last several months bearable will not be forgotten, I promise. We count ourselves lucky to have such understanding and loving friends and family and we hope you know that we are happy to return the favor. We are thankful for you.

In closing, I know I haven’t been around here much and I apologize. My absence is due in part to just being busy with the kids, my freelance work, and various obligations. The other reason I’ve been away is because many of you who read this know me and K in real life, and honestly, it would be easier to write about some of the bumps we experience if you didn’t know us. Anonymity ensures that social gatherings aren’t awkward. I’ve been struggling with what to write quite a bit because we are fairly private people. Do I believe it’s good for civilians to get a glimpse into the realities of military life so they can see the extent of what gets sacrificed? Most assuredly, yes. Am I ready to lay everything out there in detail? Apparently not. And I’m sure K is not ready for that either and I respect his position on the topic. I’m still in the middle of it, and as much as I try to be level-headed and objective about how the deployments have effected us and the kids, it is tough to put a positive spin on it all the time as I had intended. There are days when the deployment and all that goes with it just flat out sucks and there’s not much more to say. I think I’ve probably mentioned before that I’m not the most positive person in the universe, but I’m working on improving my outlook every day because I refuse to lug around the anger I was left with last time we did this. In any event, I appreciate having readers at all. I’m grateful that you enjoy my writing and care about what happens. Like the deployment itself, keeping this blog has been a learning experience for me. I’m not giving up on it, so please bear with me in the coming year as I figure out the best angle to approach it from. In the meantime, have a lovely Thanksgiving!

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Shake it up, baby!

I bet you were all wondering what would bring me back here. So was I, frankly. It’s been a rather busy few months of kids home for summer, a dead-for-the-third-time’s-a-charm computer, school starting, and K coming home on leave, and me trying to nail down regular work. Turns out what it really takes for me to sit down and write again is an earthquake. You heard me right. Earthquake. Nothing major, mind you, and I’m sure my friends on the left coast are laughing behind their hands at the lack of magnitude it takes for my heart to pound and my mind to race, but that’s ok. I laugh at the thought of them driving around during a snow storm…or as I like to call it, a light dusting. I have only ever lived on the east coast and I’m no stranger to hurricanes, blizzards, ice storms, nor’easters, drought (and not just the writing kind), hail, and floods. Not to mention, black flies, mosquitoes, and jellyfish. Mother Nature and I come in to contact fairly often in these parts and I have a healthy respect for the power she wields. She never mentioned the possibility of earthquakes though. Mighty tricky of you, Mother Nature, mighty tricky!

Saturday night, just before 11:30pm, I was laying in bed reading and starting to doze off. All of a sudden I heard a loud boom/crash/extended thud and then the house shook for a couple of seconds. At first I thought I was more asleep than I imagined and perhaps I was about to have a blockbuster movie dream. No such luck. My next thought was that the basement blew up again (yes, I said “again.”), but quickly pushed that aside when I realized that the smoke alarms didn’t go off. Then I thought some idiot finally took the corner in front of our house too fast and hit the gigantic pine tree outside Monkey’s room and hoped that the tree wouldn’t break and crush my house (or my Monkey!) or the animal shelter across the street. There was no other sound though after that initial boom, so it couldn’t be that. Maybe something nearby had exploded in an enormous fireball…All of these thoughts were zipping around in my head at supersonic speeds while I tried to assess my next action which all centered around “Holy crap I might have to get 2 sleeping kids and 2 dogs out of here ASAP.”

Pants went on quickly, and the ridiculously calm dogs (who were my first clue that all was more well than my pounding heart and flight ready brain were able to process) looked at me askance while I shut them in my room to go investigate on my own. Nothing smelled funny, no sirens in the distance, and the kids were both still asleep. I went downstairs and made sure the basement door wasn’t hot and that the barn was still attached and the shop in the side yard was also still in its usual dilapidated state. Everything was right were it should be—unchanged. I suspect even the pantry mouse was undisturbed. Back upstairs I go, to waiting dogs who I’m pretty sure think I’m off my rocker at this point, but are nice enough to not say so out loud. I collar them up and outside we go to investigate the property and look around the neighborhood for signs of the obvious coming apocalypse. Casey and Zoe, amazed at their luck in getting to go out after 9:30pm, immediately go running off to sniff out the wild animal nightlife and I stand at the bottom of my driveway wondering what the hell was going on because nothing seemed to be going on. Surely if there was a rift in the space time continuum (which was the only other option left as far as I could tell), I would be seeing aliens or a passel of long-forgotten farmers making their way back home in a horse and buggy parade. Nope. Nothing. All was quiet on the Great White Northern Front.

I called the dogs back in and we returned to bed. I think my heart finally began to slow to it’s normal pace and the adrenalin rush unlike anything I’ve felt since riding the Mt. Everest roller-coaster at Disney (it goes backwards!) started to dissipate as well. Of course the first thing I did after settling in was get online. I saw my neighbor across the street was also online (Phew!) and she and I instant messaged briefly about the excitement of the night (let me tell you, we do not generally live in an exciting part of town at all), and thanks to Twitter (yup, Twitter) we quickly found out that we were hit with a 3.2 earthquake less than 10 miles from our neighborhood.

For as much upheaval as that tiny earthquake caused in my internal organs, I was actually glad it was that rather than all my other options (especially the Doctor Who-esque scenario). There were far more chances for death and destruction coming out of my brain than what was happening in reality and I could not have felt more relief at that realization. Aside from the novelty of having experienced something that was neither on my bucket list or any other list of mine for that matter, it made me realize that I need to remember to keep a calm head when crazy shit happens (i.e. pay attention to the dogs who were calm the whole time). I am not 100% prepared for a disaster—natural or man-made—but I could be with little effort. I know where all the things I would need are: first aid kit, water, and food (thanks Army for your oh-so-tasty MREs!). I know, though, that our generator is lacking fuel, and I don’t have any wood yet for the fireplace if it were necessary to be stuck at home without electricity or heat. I have a camping stove and fuel for that, and we have blankets and sleeping bags. I don’t have anything that’s particularly grab-n-go, and it’s probably a good idea to consolidate. Soon. You know, just in case.

I don’t plan on this little shake up making me paranoid about the possibility of future disasters since they are not the norm (and I really prefer the whole “level head” thing to “crazed loony” thing), nor do I plan on making next summer a family Outward Bound extravaganza, but it sure has made me think twice about what I would do if something truly serious happened. As long as K is attached to the Army, and given that the National Guard is called out for any type of local (and some not-so-local as it turns out) disasters, the kids and dogs and I are pretty much on our own during tough times. It does not hurt to believe that all those years I spent hanging out with Boy Scouts (my dad was a Troop Leader and my brother a Scout) showed me preparedness. Even more important, just being a single-parent forces you to manage a degree of planning and logistics I don’t believe can be taught in college. But here I was left at loose ends even for such a short time over something that in reality was small but could have been bad, bad, bad. Thankfully this is not a cautionary tale that will wind up being checked on Snopes because of its unbelievable circumstances, nor will I end up a recipient of the Darwin Award (at least not this week!). However it is a good reminder to tend to basic needs and always have a plan…which I am working on before Winter comes with all its frozen goodness.

In other news, as I mentioned K was home on leave for a couple of weeks earlier this month and a grand time was had by all. He’s back in Afghanistan counting the days until the deployment is over. The kids did really well with the transition (ah, my little adaptable beings!) and they, too, are looking forward to Daddy being home for hours of hikes, faux camping, sparring practice, and Lego building.

I won’t make promises that I’ll be writing regularly again. Those seem to bite me in the ass. So you’ll see me when you see me and thanks for sticking around and caring what I have to say.

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Talking about a revolution

I’ve decided that I’m ditching resolutions in favor of a full-scale revolution (defined as: “A sudden or momentous change in a situation.”). I don’t suppose it surprises anyone (besides me) that starting a revolution involves more than acquiring a theme song. Being a revolutionary takes thought, consideration, a fair amount of flexible scheduling and tweaking of said schedule. That’s mainly why I haven’t been here since I wrote about K’s departure. I have quite the year ahead and I’ve been trying out different configurations to my day to fit in the many components that make it up. I still don’t think I have it nailed down, but I’m figuring out how much I can realistically bite off and chew without choking.

New Year’s resolutions are not my forté by a long-shot. I don’t usually make them, and, in fact, probably would not have considered a revolution if K leaving hadn’t set things off. I need a good kick in the ass anyway, so I’m taking advantage of the timing which just happens to fall during that point of the year when everyone thinks improving themselves at the drop of a digit is a good idea. Unlike most resolutions that are made on a whim and a bad tradition, there’s a bit more thought involved in my case. As much as I want and am ready for a complete personal overhaul, I have to be kind of careful how drastic the change. Going through a deployment alters a person anyway, and making too many other changes has the potential for disaster in a military marriage. Sure, everyone changes from year to year, but generally (and hopefully) couples grow and change in the same direction or at the very least in each other’s presence. When you are apart, you can communicate new aspects of yourself, but until you are cohabiting again you don’t know if your new selves will mesh. Not many military marriages last and I’m guessing this is probably one of the many reasons. We are still working out the effects of the changes from the last deployment, so theoretically, I should be thinking of ways to minimize my contribution this time around. The other side of that coin is that I need to keep in the back of my mind the chance that K might not come home at all, and if that is the case, then I need to be able to support my family and be happy with myself and I’d rather hit the ground running in that case. Insurance money only lasts so long, and I want a career I love, not just a job to get by if I can swing it.

So, what will I be doing with myself this year? I guess I should lay out what’s already on my plate. I’ve got my freelance design business which is steady work and possibly more than I can manage time-wise most days. Once I finish my current obligations, I intend to scale back (more on this in a minute). I have my work with Monkey who needs extra help catching up. There’s the need to spend time with the kids both together and separately. I run the household, and that includes admin responsibilities (like bill paying, grocery shopping) as well as cleaning and laundry (with some help from R & K). Communicating with K is also on the list but is random and will only be more random as the year goes on. For the last year I’ve been taking art classes and I may slow down with it or switch it up with other types of classes, but I will probably continue to take one now and then. And lest I forget down-time when I get to goof off on my computer, read, and/or watch movies without guilt.

What does that leave time for? Maybe a potty break. Maybe. And a cat-nap. However, the two big and very important additions to my daily schedule are losing weight and getting my long sidelined writing career back on track. The two are not so disparate as they might seem. I am an eats out of frustration/anger/stress kind of person and I have spent the last couple of years being angry/frustrated/stressed but with a great kitchen. Probably not a good combo. I was angry about moving, frustrated at my new role staying home with a lack of time for the career I thought I should have, and stressed about the pending deployment. I’m no longer stressed about the deployment. It’s here and I feel confident we will be fine now. I am still not always thrilled about having moved, but I’m not so angry anymore either. I know I’m not leaving here for a long time, so I might as well try to enjoy it. That leaves frustration and 20 pounds to work off.

I have spent over 10 years doing graphic design, but I have spent the last 30 years wanting to be a writer. It is what I’ve gone to school for (twice) and the only career I ever imagined myself having. The graphic design blip has been a fun way to make a living, but I don’t believe it is where my heart and soul are. Hence the plan to scale back the design business once I’ve met my obligations. This decision is a rather big (if not inevitable) step for me. I had writer’s block for about 8 years and sadly thought I would have to give up my writing dream, but I have finally broken through it and have the compulsion to write all the time now. Granted, you haven’t seen me here, but I have been writing every day. I intend to keep it that way, too. I’m still working on a writing plan to make sure I post here with regularity while also working on my main goal for this year: to enter an essay contest (I have not chosen which among a handful of contests to enter yet). I’ve never been much of a fiction writer (although I do like to write short stories once and a while), but I have always loved feature writing and essays. I’m in the position to make this happen if I can marshal up my ambition and determination and scrape up some time. Many writers have built careers with far more going on in their lives. There’s no reason for me to not make the effort.

As for the 20 lbs. of edible frustration I packed on… Before K even left, I had begun working on the writing part of my planned revolution as well as the weight loss portion. Thanks to the Wii (Fit Plus) we got for Christmas, I am now geeked out enough to work out along with the family mii’s for at least 20 minutes a day boxing, running, and/or some other silly exercise option. It’s amusing (and sometimes frustrating), but it’s got me moving around and sweating in Winter, which, frankly, is unprecedented. It has also prompted me to get back into yoga and consider re-starting my favorite form of exercise, kickboxing (getting fit and hitting things? Oh yeah!). So, if I manage the frustration level and stick to writing instead of eating when angry/stressed/frustrated, I should be well on the way to being a lean, not-as-mean, writing machine.

Those are my goals. I’m a few weeks in and while I’m erratic with posting for the moment, I am building the habits and clearing the paths. And now that I’ve said everything out loud to the world, hopefully that will keep me honest. We’ll just have to see. I am hopeful though.

And lastly, just to update everyone on K’s life: he is still at his training facility and studying and learning as much as he can to make his job as intelligence officer a success. He loves the work and is feeling better now that he shook the bronchitis he was sporting while home on leave. This week they are training at a haunted abandoned insane asylum and he was very excited to check it out (even though he is without a spiffy specter detector). Maybe he’ll have a second career as a Ghostbuster.

Again, thanks for sticking with me as I iron out the details of my life as a single mom. Things should smooth out soon and you’ll be the first to know.

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Winding down and gearing up

One more day and I’m still trying to remind myself that this deadline isn’t mine to worry about. I keep thinking that I have to have all sorts of things done by Thursday morning, but I’m not the one leaving. Sure, things are going to change for us at home, but I still have time to work into my own schedule (which is really unlikely to be that different from what it is now) and our new (and improved!) routines. I have to remind myself that when I force change too much it never goes as planned. I know better but it doesn’t seem to really stop the inclination to force my square peg into the crescent hole.

Every day I’m reminded that the kid wrangling is all but officially my own to deal with. They had their dentist appointment yesterday and I can say without hesitation that it didn’t go so well. The fatalist in me pointed out every flaw and noted that It Will Happen Again, and my inner Zen monk countered with the sound of one hand clapping which was, frankly, kind of useless if not amusing to think about. The pragmatist reminded me that events are finite and this too would end one way or another. Winner! Monkey is not a fan of doctors to begin with, and there just was not enough prep I could do with him in the couple days before his appointment to make it go smoothly. I could hear him struggling from the waiting room (it’s a pediatric dentist office and they try to have the kids go in alone until the dentist needs to meet with parents) so I went in and tried to deal with that. In the process of keeping Monkey still just so the dentist could count his teeth and get a quick look while Monkey yelled in protest, I missed the important thing going on with R. in the next room. She needs to have a couple of baby molars removed and a spacer put in because they are sinking and fusing with her jaw and causing the other nearby molar to crowd the space where the adult molars should move into. I would have preferred that conversation to restraining a wriggling Golem. Another set of ears would have been handy, but sadly duplicating myself is only the premise of a bad movie.

When it came time to schedule the consults and appointments, I was also figuring in babysitter possibilities and calculating logistics for meeting the bus on time and the chances of having to bring Monkey along and whether or not it would be worth the money to load up my iPod with games for him to play while I try to pay attention to his sister and the oral surgeon, and oh, man, will there be time for a nap? I think that all happened in a half a second, but it gave my brain a cramp nonetheless. Luckily, I remembered I have longer than a half a second to get all these things actually planned out. When this is all over, I could totally get a job in logistics and project management. Unfortunately, I’m probably not going to want it.

But here we are at the end of this particular phase of our lives. K. is done with things around the house, so at least that is a load off his mind. Anything else that crops up I can take care of. He’s been pretty tired after a full day of tying up loose ends at work which is too bad because he’s not really in the right frame of mind to enjoy being home these last couple of days. We’ve been having all of his favorite meals this week and I made his favorite cookies and am updating his iPod with music and audio books to entertain him on all his travels. The last thing we really need to do is work on R.’s assassin costume for Halloween. After that, there’s nothing left for him to do here and he can go with a clear conscience. We are both resigned to his leaving and both ready to get this over with. I suspect we both feel a degree of guilt in looking forward to new experiences without the other to share them with, but at least we’ll have things to talk about later which is better than never having anything to talk about. In any event, it’s time and there’s no avoiding it now.

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Look out Betty Crocker!

The cold weather is definitely upon us. And apart from wanting to snuggle somewhere warm with a stack of books or sleep until Spring, this kind of weather just makes me feel like cooking. The kitchen at our old house was not nearly as conducive to cooking as this new one is. I am not a bad cook at all, but now that I have a decent kitchen, I love to cook and bake. Today feels like a cooking day. There’s pumpkin bread, banana bread, chili, and chicken pot pies to be made. Shouldn’t take too long and later after we carve some pumpkins, I may even attempt to do something tasty with the seeds. If pumpkin seeds can ever truly be tasty that is…

I’ve also been thinking about taking a weekend early next month to make a bunch of meals for me to portion out and freeze. I’m not terribly good at eating well when I’m on my own. I tend to want to go more vegetarian and the kids will starve to death if I force them to eat what I’m having all the time and I really don’t want to eat only what they are eating. Fighting over food is not my thing. We offer and adapt, but they’ll change their food ways when they are ready. R. has widened her variety pretty well now that I don’t hassle her so much. I figure it’s time to make my meal plans and pull some recipes and inventory my containers so I can eat better this time around. As much as I enjoy Oreos, Utz chips, and Edy’s frozen yogurt, they are probably not the best examples of optimal nutrition. I do like to eat healthily, but when I’m on my own with the kids, I tend to just eat their leftovers—a plight of many moms who hate to see food go to waste but end up sporting it on their waist. Ha ha.

Here’s my tentative list (and if I play my cards right it could last me through most of the Winter):

• veggie lasagna
• eggplant Parmesan
• chicken wild rice soup
• chili
• enchiladas
• salmon cakes
• chicken pot pies
• calzones

I know there are a few others I have yet to remember, but a little work in advance should ease my evenings and allow me something with nutritional value when I don’t have time or don’t feel like cooking. I will also make some home made bread to have around too and I think I’m going to try to grow some cherry tomatoes in the kitchen this winter as a little experiment that will hopefully result in snacking for me–they are my favorites. I can fill the dinner gaps with nachos, roasted chicken, fajitas, burgers, and eggs that R. will eat with me. Monkey is strictly a nugget boy and is not ready to deviate from that line, so that’s easy enough. Anywhere I can save myself some time and work, I’ll all for it. If anyone has a recipe to offer that’s good for freezing and reheating, please pass it along. There aren’t too many foods I don’t like or won’t try.

And speaking of cooking, it’s time to get started on today’s list. I am looking forward to sitting around tonight with K. in front of the fire with some pumpkin bread and a cup of tea and enjoying a little bit more peace while we have it.

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Cold, frosty one

Oh, how I wish I were talking about a beer. Sadly, not. I woke up this morning to frost on the pumpkins…and the grass and the turned over garden and my car. Winter is walking around way too early this year. I’m not a huge fan of Winter to start with, so having the heat turn on and the frost gilding the leaves is just…too soon. It’s bad enough that I’m nesting because K. is leaving, but now I feel like hibernating too. I was hoping to have a few mild days here and there before the snow drifts in, but there’s already chances of snow for the rest of the week. It’s not right, but at least it is pretty.

So, what do I do to ignore the injustices of Mother Nature? I clean of course! Actually today is “Chore Day” so that I can have time over the weekend for other and more scintillating things to do besides vacuum and fold laundry. You noticed that “chore” and “bore” and “snore” rhyme, right? Well, I had a productive day in spite of the cold and the mundane. The house is vacuumed and dusted and de-doggie haired, the laundry is done and put away, the dishes clean, the bathrooms sparkling, and the garbage gone. Tomorrow is fun with foodshopping. Exciting!

I did have some fun though to balance the work and finished up the 8th Sookie Stackhouse book and am going to embark on the latest book in the series and will be all caught up at that point. Can’t wait. Getting into these fits of obsessive reading makes me feel like a kid again. I read constantly growing up. I really only took a break to get the kids through their infant and toddler phases and now I have more time to read again. It is such a joy too. I hadn’t realized how dumb I was starting to feel all those years of not reading. And it’s no coincidence that my increased reading appetite and my renewed love of writing happened at about the same time. Greasing the wheels is always a good thing to do.

Right now the kids are bathed and asleep and I’m drinking tea and snuggling up with my youngest pooch, Zoe (named after Zoe from Firefly). She’s the best foot warmer in town and she had a busy day of chasing squirrels and wrestling with her big furry brother, CaseyJones outside in the crisp Fall day. She loves to be out in the cold when she’s not passed out asleep somewhere or stealing my shoes to pass out on top of. K. is away again tonight (he was last night too), staying over at the armory deep in the packing phase of preparations. He’s pretty swamped with getting last minute things squared away for the guys and himself, and honestly, I’d rather he stay there and get his work done than come home and be mentally elsewhere.

K.’s gear packed up in the barn a couple of weeks ago. GI Joe would sell his Kung Fu grip for all the stuff K. has stashed away in there!

The closer he gets to leaving, the weirder things get between us. I’m no stranger to being alone with the kids and the three of us have built a regular “Daddy’s not here” routine over the years and we seem to be able to slide right into it with little effort now. It is not that K. isn’t missed, it’s just a necessary evil to this life. I’m thinking it’s better we are a self sufficient little subset of the family than a needy mess. Still though, I think it’s hard for him sometimes to hear that we are fine without him and I’m never quite sure how to deal with that. It’s not easy to balance keeping him involved and letting him go at the same time. I try not to make him feel like I’m shoving him out the door, but I’m not perfect by a long shot and I get single-minded in my preparations and my sensitivity goes right out the door. This Army life that separates families so regularly can be so complicated and contradictory. It puts couples in awkward situations constantly and it’s quite the workout to remember that you are supposed to be one unit when you are always thinking and functioning separately. It is especially awkward when you are not actually separate quite yet. After all these years together though, I think we are more forgiving if not accepting of this mindset. I really don’t mind that he is away unscheduled this week to get his stuff in order. We have to get used to him being gone again anyway. He needs to be clear-headed so he can be safe and come home again. There’s always some trade-off. You just always have to keep that in mind.

And now I’m going to go cap off this quiet night with some more reading and a whole lot of sleep and look forward to the weekend ahead when K. is home with us.

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Done and doner

K. is back to work today after just over a week off. He’s got 2 weeks left now before the fun really begins. We’ve had our weekend away and he got to be home for Monkey’s birthday–two things that we weren’t sure were going to happen if his training schedule had gone the way we thought it would. For once Army Shenanigans worked in our favor. I was afraid our combined addictions were going to foil us in the preparations area–me with the Sookie Stackhouse novels and he with his new Civilization game–but we pulled off a fairly good goofing off to productivity ratio.

As I mentioned, I did get my desk(s) organized and I set up a laptop for the kids to use to email their Dad while he’s away (no grubby fingerprints on my computer, thank you very much!). I cleaned up my closet for a change too. I spent Sunday going through piles of paper and old bills and tossed a grove of trees worth of paper and filed the rest. I’m paper pile free for the moment and with a fair amount of self discipline I might keep the piles away all together. Ha! Right. Going through a year’s worth of paid bills only took me a half a day–that’s not too bad, right? I do all the bill paying and I am the one responsible for the accumulation and I know I do this, but at least once a year, the pile gets to that point where it falls over with just a thought of looking at it so I just toss more on the pile and look away and shut the door that hides it. It’s a filing system that works though–everything is definitely in one place.

Yesterday was a beautiful, warm Fall day, so I spent part of it outside clearing out the garden and turning over all the soil for next year. I have more to do out there, but for now, it’s in a good place in case I just don’t get to it again until spring. Now we just have to call for a fall leaf clean up and I’ll be set. K. took down the large screen tent I put up back in the Spring on the back deck and put away all the summer lawn furniture. I was sorry to see it go, but happy to get more light in the kitchen now that the green structure was gone. The light is getting short enough as it is and I’d like to be able to see what is there. Plus, I have no doubt the screen tent wouldn’t last the winter and I am not inclined to deal with a broken tent in 6 feet of snow (that’s a conservative estimate). I am happy to be able to enjoy the view of my big back yard again. I also did a quick round of dog poop pick up in the yard, but I have to say, I didn’t mind. First, it wasn’t so hot out that anything smelled. Secondly, there just wasn’t much there. Since the dogs are on the best food they could be on, the stuff disintegrates pretty quick when left for the elements to deal with. It’s just one of the many perks of a raw diet for dogs.

I also finally finished a painting I’ve been working on in my water color class for 2 semesters (of 8 weeks each).  Here’s a sneak preview:

I am extra super slow and ridiculously hesitant, but I was so close and I want to move on at class tonight, so finish it I did. I put my headphones on and listened to book 6 of the Sookie series and just wrapped it right up. I work so much better when my brain is occupied with music or books. I think it came out pretty good for a newbie painter and I just need to go mat and frame it after I add a few minor details and it’ll be complete. I’ll get to that this weekend though and then I can finally give it over to Mom (who, like any good Mom, enjoys doodles from her kids) for her Mother’s Day/Birthday present combo only about 5 months late. I’m horrible with giving gifts on time. Sometimes I wish I could just give thoughts, because I have those early. Now that I’m done with this painting though, I plan on writing up the experience on my other blog for my business. I definitely learned quite a bit including patience for myself which should come in handy this year.

I think there were some other small projects I finished, but my brain has now moved on to future projects, so I’m blanking on what they were. As I mentioned before, I’m at that point of moving forward and planning all the time. Hopefully by the time the end of the month rolls around, I’ll have wrapped up a lot of these little things. Snow will be upon us soon enough, and I want to make sure we’re ready. I’m hoping we’ll have several good weekends to wrap up some of the outdoor things and weather proofing. It’s almost time to hibernate.

All in all, it was a nicely balanced week. I’m hoping to continue the trend for this week. We’ve got a few projects that are probably going to take me more than a day that I want to start chipping away at and then when they are done, I can just work on maintenance around here and not have big things hanging over my head. I look forward to that sense of accomplishment and having the option to feel like I can relax (although, in reality, I’m not much good at relaxing for long).Winters here are long and with K. away, I’ll have enough on my plate without my OCD-lite nagging at me to deal with these projects.

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Death of a thousand stupidities

I managed to have “one of those weeks” lite. Well, the week technically isn’t over, so I’m hoping it stays “lite” and doesn’t enter the realm of “to the extreme.” So, yes, my life is something like a line of power drinks! Who knew? K. was home all week (although he’s away visiting friends and family one more time before he ships out) and somehow managed to avoid getting sucked into my stupidity vortex, lucky Teflon-coated bastard. And the kids and dogs were spared as well which no doubt has kept me sane. I’m guessing that this week was a bit like a pop quiz to see how I handle the bumps on my own. I aced it. Handled everything quickly and efficiently and was pleased to see that the people I needed to help me (super nice certified Apple repair guy and wicked fast AAA battery charger guy) were on the ball. So, my broken power cord was replaced in less than 24 hours which meant I got to finish a job I was working on, and the battery on my car (which died because I left the keys in the ignition after I had ejected all the CDs in the player…duh) was recharged within 20 minutes of me calling so that I was still able to get the bulk of my errands done before the kids got home from school. Phew. You have to love when an irritating series of events wraps up so nicely.

Like I said, this week felt like a test and it was a good reminder for me to have all my ducks in a row and remember to keep a level head when things go off course. I did get part of my emergency contact chain put together. Still need to line up the rest of the A-Team, but that should be done next week. I’ve pretty much decided that I’m not going to rely on just one person to be my back up. I’m going to have an entourage and spread the wealth so no one person is shouldering my burden. Our good friend V. who is in the Army with K. is going to be my primary “in case of emergency” contact if something happens to me because he can run through the channels quickly to get K. home. I’ve got two sitters lined up so far and a couple more I need to interview soon. I figure if I have a few to draw from, I should be good and no one will be tired out or hate the kids. I just need to put someone in charge of the dogs if I’m not able to be there for them and I’ll be all set. Oh, and I need an electrician and fix-it person on file.  I’ve got the plumber, the lawn guy, the ever-important snow removal guy, and myself for those small DIY jobs that I’ve been doing for years. Operation Safety Net is almost ready.

Part of why I had a flaky few days is that I’ve reached that point in the pre-deployment wind up where my brain is in planning mode non-stop and my focus tends to scatter at this point. Not that I could help the broken power cord, but I knew it was going and could have taken care of it ahead of time. Lesson learned. I have several areas around the house I am hoping to get organized before K. leaves and those projects are either sitting out as a reminder, or they are jumping out at me every time I look in their directions. Some can wait, and some just cannot. Having our finances in order is not something I can let go for long but getting them squared away takes a huge block of time that I don’t have, won’t have, and haven’t had thus far. So stuff like that is taking up space in my head and causing me to leave my keys in the car and forgetting to fill out paperwork for school. It’s times like these I often wish I could be like CaseyJones, my dog. Whenever he gets…overloaded I guess is the right word, he shakes off from head to tail and then is righted again. I can just see it in him. He’s able to focus and listen after he shakes off. I am crazy jealous of that ability. I’ve been wanting a mental shake off forever, but now more than ever.

In lieu of a shake off though, I did my best to balance the week out with as many good things as I could. I reorganized my work desk and the desk in Monkey’s room that I use to put together the pre-teaching projects I do with him. I finished one paid job and began planning another. I read two Sookie Stackhouse novels in 2 days. They are fun books and quick reads (obviously!) and I haven’t read this much in years so that makes me infinitely happy. I made enough progress on a painting I started months ago that I’m almost done and my teacher helped me figure out the technique for one tricky spot. Yesterday B. and I took the kids to the playground and had a great time talking while the kids ran around like kids do, and Monkey claimed the major climbing structure as his castle and attempted to direct his vassals up and down the slide. It’s a good thing he’s a benevolent King, because none of his subjects listened to him. No be-headings yesterday! And last night while K. was away, I had a quiet night with CaseyJones and Zoe who love to snuggle on the bed with me any time K. is not around. Puppy-warmed feet when it’s cold outside are right up there with a smooth week and a lack of self-inflicted stupidity.

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Commencing countdown 1a

Today starts the last month K. is home full-time before he heads off for training. It’s part 1a because he’ll be home for Thanksgiving. Then starts 1b until he’s home for Christmas, and then Phase 2 starts up after that. Poor K. is just completely bogged down with all the admin stuff that has to happen before he and the other guys leave. The bureaucratic paper piles on his desk keeps him from sleeping well and generally I just want to put him out of his misery. Because he is full-time in the Guard, he works hard before, during, and after a deployment with little break. Vacation time is either not always a possibility, or because he is conscientious, he doesn’t always fully enjoy time off…unless he turns off his cell phone and buries it in the back yard so no one can find him. That aspect of his job–the before and after–are actually more stressful than the during. At least while he is overseas he physically cannot spend time with us. The Army is 24/7, so we expect the unexpected especially during this time. Sadly, there are no comfy chairs involved.

So far I don’t have the anxious feeling I did last time he was leaving for training, although I do have this urge to completely clean and organize the house much like when I was pregnant with R. I don’t remember wanting to nest last deployment, but I had just had a baby so we probably already got it out of our system. The nice thing about this time, should I decide to clean, is that I’m not hauling around a medicine ball on my midsection. Makes dusting out the back of cabinets easier. I don’t know if I’ll act on these cleanliness urges any time soon…even though I did get a lovely package of Clorox Wipes from my Aunt D. for our anniversary… but I suspect I’ll be doing plenty of that stuff after K. leaves and it’s not like I need to practice.

This nudge closer to the deployment is like watching the gears of a clock make a quarter turn. The shift in my brain moves that much closer to “On My Own” and I start to get antsy. Part of me just wants time to speed up so the deployment is done, another part starts making lists in overdrive because I’m a freak that way, and another part of me really just wants us to have fun and not think this way at all. Luckily, I can multi-task. I’ve got babysitter interviews this week so I can find my help now instead of while in crisis mode later. We are getting ready for our weekend away sans kids and pooches (thanks Mom & Dad!) to include our last big shopping spree (tattoos and ipods all around!) before the deployment budget kicks in and spending becomes passé so we can save money and do some big things (mostly upgrades on the house, but a family vacation to WDW too) when K. gets back. I’m looking into a great program that helps pay for activities for military kids while their parent is deployed so I need to gather up all the proper paperwork to make that happen. Lastly, I’m putting together a list of smaller projects around the house that need tending to (like painting back over the pillow sized patch in the front hall that Monkey peeled off thanks to a little scratch that started the whole mess). I don’t know how many of these projects will actually happen, but I’ll never be bored. And honestly, that’s a comfort to me.

We are also figuring out the best way for K. to see people before he heads out. He’s going to make a solo trip to our hometown to visit folks there, and we are figuring out how to manage the holidays so no relative is left unhugged. We lucked out this week and had a surprise visit with K.’s Aunt K. (my late father-in-law’s sister) and Uncle V. We had a nice dinner where the kids showed just how nutty they could be but still managed to squeak in some welcome adult conversation too. K.’s Dad’s family lives farther west than us, so it’s not always easy to visit (right Mike?). We are hoping that when K. gets back that we’ll get around to road tripping with the kids now that they are older but still young enough to not be sullen the whole time. There’s a small window there after all. We hadn’t seen Aunt K. in about 10 years and she had never met either of the rugrats, so it really was the best surprise and I am so glad they caught us between crazy schedules. They could not be nicer people and I’m tickled to have gotten to know them a little better.

So now I’m going to fill our family calendar with all the things we like to do: visiting the Farmer’s & Arts Markets before they end, going to pick apples a couple more times, pumpkin picking, Monkey’s birthday festivities, visiting with good friends, Halloween costume planning, and some movie watching. The cleaning will just have to wait.

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Silk Anniversary

…or as I like to call it, our Tween anniversary. I thought maybe we should celebrate by watching all those wretched kid shows I won’t let R. watch, but I couldn’t even do it for a joke. All I remember about being a Tween myself, was really digging The Outsiders and watching Star Blazers as often as it was on UHF. I guess for kids today it’s digging Twilight and watching Naruto. The more things change…

So for our 12th anniversary we went to dinner at our favorite local Irish Pub and then the next day we ate a lovely french toast breakfast compliments of Uncle P. who is staying with us off and on until he and K. ship out, and then we cleaned the house. I know, terribly exciting and romantic. Maybe we should have called this one the Hoover anniversary. Still, we did have a nice day with beautiful early Fall weather very reminiscent of our wedding day. Sunny but not hot, breezy, but not cold. Sort of like room temperature outside. I cleaned out our “supply” closet, and K. started working on straightening up the barn and sorting his gear he needs to pack. We didn’t clean all day though–I finished the first Sookie Stackhouse book while basking in the sun out on our deck, and K. and the kiddos all took naps in various places. After dinner we watched a documentary about swords called Reclaiming the Blade. All in all, a nice quiet day and typically us. Those are my favorite days.

Right now we are sort of in an odd situation which makes celebrating our anniversary off-kilter for me. K. has been in the Guard since we started dating all those years ago, and each year he would leave for various schools or Annual Training (AT). At some point along the way, I learned to…I guess disengage would be the right word. I would start preparing to deal with things on my own and so would wander off into my own world. It’s such a habit at this point, I sometimes fail to recognize when I’ve started doing it. I don’t know that K. goes through the same thing entirely or on the same schedule that I do, but I am guessing it’s something similar. We still do things together and help each other out, but the closer it gets to him leaving the more I start taking on myself. With the deployment, I start much earlier because of all the time he needs to prepare both at home and at work. I suspect it’s also somewhat of a defense mechanism on my part too, in the case of a major deployment in case I’m on my own permanently, but once I get into it, it’s tough to switch gears back to “normal” living even for special occasions. Makes for a weird life together sometimes. At least from my perspective.

The Army has already taught me that the only person I can really rely on is myself (which plays nicely into my type A, perfectionist personality). Through no fault of K.’s I’ve just learned that I can’t count on him for everything. There have been too many canceled plans due to Army intervention in our history for me to think otherwise. Duty generally comes first with few exceptions. My mantra over the years has become: “It’s part of the [Army] life.”  It’s the price we pay for a steady paycheck and decent benefits. I don’t blame him, but it certainly puts a strain on us. While people who work in civilian jobs ultimately have a choice about who they put first, K. really does not. It’s no doubt, one of the reasons many military marriages don’t always last. I don’t know if it’s because people don’t understand that part or if they just can’t accept it or both. I understand it, but I struggle with accepting it sometimes. I suppose I’ve learned to adapt to it as best I can though. We’ve made it this far.

I am grateful, though, that although we are close to his leaving, this anniversary wasn’t fraught with angst and that frantic feeling that can take over. It was just a good day like the happy day we had twelve years ago only without the fancy clothes or bagpiper. Ultimately, I’m thankful to mark one more peaceful day together and look forward to the day when we can celebrate without my self-induced mental interference.

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