Hats for sale

A year is 365 days, each day with the same amount of potential as the day before and the day after. The days themselves are neutral blocks of time, but what we do during each moment and our perceptions of the results of our deeds color each day as good, bad, productive, wasteful, exciting, miserable, or just another day. We remember specific dates for the extraordinary events that happened during those hours, not because the time itself did anything terribly amazing (because sadly, I’m not a Time Lord). When I look back at 2010, I see a year like so many other years with its mix of happiness, sadness, amusement, frustration, joy, sorrow, peace, and conflict. I am excited to see my own set of circumstances change with the end of K’s deployment, and doors that were previously unavailable opening up to new possibilities. But I would have felt this way in August or May if that’s when they had occurred. As luck would have it, my changes came with the actual New Year.

2010 saw me wearing so many hats, I felt like the salesman in the children’s book “Caps for Sale: A Tale of a Peddler, Some Monkeys and Their Monkey Business” by Esphyr Slobodkina. The only difference would be that when I woke up, the monkeys had made more hats to add to my pile and took none for themselves, the little furry bastards. Monkeys aside, I don’t believe for a second the length of this list is unique to me. I know lots of parents—both single and married—who also juggle so many roles it’s a wonder we are not all suffering from multiple personality disorder. But, since list-making is woven through every fiber of my being, and as a blogger of sorts, I think I’m required to have a year in review, here’s my list (from the mundane to the ridiculous) of who I was in 2010 not including the inherent hats of Mother, daughter, sister, friend, occasional substitute Dad, and long-distance wife:

Writer
Artist
Painter
Researcher
Tutor
Garbage Collector
Chauffeur
Party Planner
Cake Decorator
Chef/Short-order cook
Psychotherapist
Special Ed Teacher
Travel Agent
Money Manager/Accountant
Remote Control
Remodeler
Designer (print and web)
Landscaper
Gardener
Housekeeper
Personal Shopper
Radio Personality
Dog Trainer/Groomer
Mouse Catcher
Animal Control/Rescue
Mechanic
Volunteer
Tour Guide
Baker
Electrician
Entertainer
Medic
Fly Swatter
Barber
Negotiator
Conflict Resolver
Costume Designer
Network Tech
Organizer
Tinker
Gift-giving holiday character/winged tooth collector

I could be forgetting something, but that’s enough. I feel tired again just looking at that list. I’m sure that 2011 will afford me the opportunity to wear many of these hats again (please no more mouse catching though!), but I’m looking forward to passing some of them over to K to try on and make his own. I’m sure his soldier hat is looking a bit worn to him.

Looking ahead, a friend of mine has named 2011 his “Year of Adventure.” I really liked the sound of that, but I’m not sure that I could manage an entire year of adventure (misadventure will come naturally though), so I’ve decided 2011 will be my “Year of Momentum.” Not as exciting, but certainly better than the “Year of Standing Still” which is what I’ve dubbed 2010. I’ve spent the last couple of years setting aside my own goals to prepare for this deployment knowing how all-consuming it was going to be, and helping the kids reach a more independent stage in their own lives. Apparently I needed that time to stand around waiting to realize the dream I’ve always had for myself is attainable if I stop thinking about and fretting over it and actually do something about it. So this is the year I stop making excuses, put aside the jobs that I no longer enjoy and work toward making writing full time a reality (and thereby validating the existence of my student loans). I’m going to find other creative ways to bring in some money on the side (can I interest you in some baklava for your next social gathering?) since writing is not terribly lucrative right away…or potentially ever. I’m also going to teach myself Japanese (something I’ve been interested in doing for a long time as well) and see where that takes me (perhaps I’ll have an adventure after all!). Like most people, I could stand some improvement physically, and some inner peace wouldn’t hurt either, so making some effort in those areas will be a part of my day, too, but I’m not attaching any specific goals (or God forbid success-proof resolutions) to them. Beyond that, I’m going to try to remember to just be me. No hat required. I think that last bit is going to be the most challenging. Reaching for a hat is a reflex.

One of my favorite hats this past year was Family Digital Historian (a.k.a “photographer”). As you can see, we came full-circle and ended the year in the same way we started it: with a smile. I call breaking even a good thing.

I hope you did too.

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Phase 3 approaching fast

Thanksgiving is coming and I have many milestones behind me and people in my life to be thankful for. At the top of the pile of thankful events is the deployment phase of this journey is coming to a close. K is on the way home from Afghanistan as I write. Getting home for him is like planes, trains, and automobiles…or maybe more like camels, helicopters, and cargo planes. Needless to say, it’s a long trip. I know he is thankful to be making it no matter how convoluted and drawn out it is. Every leg of the trip is one step closer to a real bed, good food, green grass, and an internet connection that works all the time.

When people hear that K’s coming home, inevitably the first thing they say to me is, “You must be so excited!” I never know how to respond without looking like a complete ass. Sure, I’m relieved that he’s coming back in one piece. Beyond that, I’m cautiously optimistic. Last time K returned from a deployment it did not go well and continued to not go well for quite some time. Some of that was thanks to the Army’s lack of support for returning soldiers at the time, some was due to my inexperience and inflated expectations, and some was due to how K was handling his return—or not handling his return—and all the issues inherent in that. It was sort of a perfect crap storm. We hope with the knowledge from past experience, this time will be better or at the very least, shorter.

The return from deployment is the hardest part of this cycle for both the soldier and the family. Unlike what the general population may like to think, it’s not like the world is suddenly righted when a soldier comes home. There’s no burst of sunlight through the clouds, nor do unicorns frolic in and out of a double rainbow—although that would be novel. A typical year brings with it all kinds of natural changes. Kids get taller and more mature, rules change, new routines are established, and challenges are overcome. In the case of military families, new bonds are forged with the people you come to rely on, whether it be at home or in a war zone, soldiers experience the stress of combat and homesickness, and families struggle to maintain some sort of normalcy and spouses manage single-parenting logistics ad nauseam. Those extra layers of change are the most effecting. You learn a lot about yourself—your limitations, strengths, tolerances, priorities. The complication comes in when you try to reestablish your life as a family the way it used to be before the deployment. Life does not go back to “normal” after a year apart. To think it will is certainly optimistic, but definitely not realistic. You have to establish something new or at the very least, different.

Creating anything new takes work—and a whole lot of it. The problem in the case of forming a new post-deployment life is that it’s being taken on by mentally and physically exhausted people who really don’t have the luxury of rest because life is not stopping while they gather themselves. You can imagine that sometimes it’s a bit like watching a drunk person try to navigate a corn maze. Sometimes they make a lucky turn and other times they fall down on their ass and wonder which direction is up. Eventually they get through it, but it takes a long time and many run-ins with dead ends. Much like not being able to catch up on sleep when you have been sleep deprived, you can’t really catch up on a year apart even when you do your best to communicate. There will always be a swath of events, inside jokes, and stories that you will not have in common and can only hear about so many times before you feel like an outsider. The soldier doesn’t really understand what the spouse goes through and the spouse certainly does not know what the soldier goes through (unless they have served as well). I call it the Immutable Law of Forced Distance Over Time. I’m sure some would argue that soldiers have it worse than those left at home, but those same people are probably not the ones who are left behind. Personally, I believe the hardships are borne like church and state: separate but equal. I can promise that if couples start trying to pick apart who had it worse, resentment will flourish like goldenrod in Fall. Understanding that it wasn’t easy for anyone is probably the best stance to take no matter which side of the equation you are on.

Is there a magic trick or secret for a successful post deployment life? If I knew the answer to that, the book would be written, and I’d be a bit richer not to mention in a completely different frame of mind. Every couple’s relationship is different and some weather these times better than others. I also know not just from experience, but from seeing other military couples go through the same thing that people underestimate the force, frequency, and duration of the ripples a deployment can cause even in the steadiest of relationships and inevitably it takes them by surprise. Like I said, I cannot offer answers because I don’t have any—nor do I believe that the techniques used in one relationship’s success translates into success in another’s, but I think the best thing for anyone dealing with life after deployment is to dig deep and find the extra patience and compassion it takes to get through each day until that new life kicks in. Soldiers need to accept that life at home went on because that’s what it does and you can’t just reinsert yourself and think that will work, and spouses need to understand that coming home is not just culture shock, but a completely different mindset to adjust to that goes way beyond coming home at the end of the day from work. Being in the military is a 24/7 lifestyle and not a 9-5 job. Both need to recognize that shifting gears is not easy and that somewhere there is still common ground to stand on. You just have to find it and go from there.

Beyond those general insights into what life post-deployment is like, I would like to offer a piece or two of advice to people welcoming home soldiers. First, please try not to say things like, “You must be glad/happy/overjoyed to be home!” That is a given. Wouldn’t you rather be home than being shot at in the mountains of Afghanistan or the sands of Iraq? You could just say you are happy they are home, or ask how they are like you would anyone else. Letting soldiers know they are appreciated and that you care about them is fantastic and important, but please don’t ask if they will have to go back again soon. Let them enjoy being home. And don’t ask their spouses that question either. We don’t care to think about doing this again anymore than the soldiers do. In many cases—especially in the Guard—the answer is either “Not at all” or “Not for a while” anyway. If they will be leaving again in the future, you will hear about it when the time is right. Instead, you might want to ask if they have special plans now that they are back or something to look forward to like a vacation or new job.  Just remember that soldiers are not sideshows and you should be fine.

When K gets home, we plan on being as low-key as humanly possible for a bit. It’s thisclose to Winter up here and the instinct to hibernate is pretty strong as it is, but wanting to simply adjust to being civilians again will be even stronger. We will be having a quiet Christmas with the kids and will get around to visiting family and friends once K has had time to work through the 8.5 hour time difference and remember that every other word he says doesn’t need to start with “F.” We are incredibly grateful to everyone who has helped us get through this year whether you sent care packages, watched the kids, or just listened to us when we needed an ear. Your contribution to making the last several months bearable will not be forgotten, I promise. We count ourselves lucky to have such understanding and loving friends and family and we hope you know that we are happy to return the favor. We are thankful for you.

In closing, I know I haven’t been around here much and I apologize. My absence is due in part to just being busy with the kids, my freelance work, and various obligations. The other reason I’ve been away is because many of you who read this know me and K in real life, and honestly, it would be easier to write about some of the bumps we experience if you didn’t know us. Anonymity ensures that social gatherings aren’t awkward. I’ve been struggling with what to write quite a bit because we are fairly private people. Do I believe it’s good for civilians to get a glimpse into the realities of military life so they can see the extent of what gets sacrificed? Most assuredly, yes. Am I ready to lay everything out there in detail? Apparently not. And I’m sure K is not ready for that either and I respect his position on the topic. I’m still in the middle of it, and as much as I try to be level-headed and objective about how the deployments have effected us and the kids, it is tough to put a positive spin on it all the time as I had intended. There are days when the deployment and all that goes with it just flat out sucks and there’s not much more to say. I think I’ve probably mentioned before that I’m not the most positive person in the universe, but I’m working on improving my outlook every day because I refuse to lug around the anger I was left with last time we did this. In any event, I appreciate having readers at all. I’m grateful that you enjoy my writing and care about what happens. Like the deployment itself, keeping this blog has been a learning experience for me. I’m not giving up on it, so please bear with me in the coming year as I figure out the best angle to approach it from. In the meantime, have a lovely Thanksgiving!

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How I spent my summer vacation

“But Summer vacation just started!” you say. Pish posh! Not for me! Mine’s done. I had a total of 4 glorious days this month without my kids around (with copious amounts of thanks to my parents for taking them) and that was my summer vacation because now they are home. Did I go somewhere fun? Did I lay around sleeping and reading and watching tv while eating bon-bons? Nope. I did enjoy the quiet (that I promptly filled with my music and singing), though.

What I did was tackle my home office project (among some other smaller projects). I converted the under-the-stairs closet into my own little cubby of vocational joy. I patched, painted, built, drilled, hung, and decorated until I made a space that Harry Potter would be happy to live in (if, in fact, he could fit under my workspace)! Come Fall, both kids will be at school full time and it’s time for me to get back to work. Or to work, I guess, since I haven’t been able to accomplish too much business of late with K gone. But I’m ready now, and by the time he gets home for good, I’m hoping to be well-acquainted with my office and what I can do in it.

If you’d like to see the progress of the job, you can see it all here start to finish (with more detailed description), but here’s the finished product:

When the last picture was hung and everything was in its place and I could sit down in a space that was all mine, I felt like a new person with a purpose and direction and less like a gypsy roaming around the house looking for the perfect place to work for the day. Working in the kitchen made me hungry, my bedroom made me sleepy, and in the living room, I could go either way…or both. But here in the closet, I can concentrate. Even with the door open and the view of my lovely back yard plainly in view, I can focus and not want to eat or sleep. It’s refreshing, and if I had known that going into the closet and staying there were the answer, I would have done it from the get-go. I am fortunate that I don’t really have a problem with small spaces, because even though I did my best to minimize the square footage I used for work top area, it’s still on the tight side. But like I said, it’s not a problem for me…or the dogs:

The kids, of course, find my tiny office fascinating (much in the same way they find their little food-shaped Japanese erasers fascinating), but I’m pretty adamant about not all of us fitting, so their trips in for visits are very short-lived. I put the heavy wooden coat hanger rod back up and added a sheer curtain that divides the closet in half should I need a second line of defense. R likes to call the space on the doorway side of the curtain my “waiting area.” I have a hanging magazine rack in that part along with some artwork hanging on the wall, so it is a bit waiting room-esque. The dogs pay no attention to the curtain divider and manage to sometimes lay down in the slim space behind my chair and the wall, or one of them spills out of the doorway a little into the dining room. It is a testament to their unswerving loyalty that they would hang with me in this space when they have the whole rest of the house to lounge about in. I like my dogs…now if only they would fix the rug they bunched up on the way out…

When I was thinking about the decor for my office, it was a no-brainer that the walls and whatever other color I used would have to be light, so I went with two colors I will no doubt cringe over when I think of their names come Winter: “snowbound” and “Icelandic blue.” I’ve been snowbound a time or two and I can’t say it was pleasant after the first 24 hours. As for Iceland, I don’t remember seeing a blue this light or pretty while sitting in Keflavik Airport when I was there eons ago. It looked more like the surface of the moon with a slight coating of dead grass. Not a color I’d want on my walls, that’s for sure. Anyway, the closet is as bright as I could make it within the context of my own taste limits. I added Christmas lights around the office at mid-wall for some light. The usual fluorescent light is actually too bright for me (I have always preferred low-light to work in), so I took it out and just use the natural light from the large glass doors at the back of the house along with the twinkly little Christmas lights and that’s fine for day-to-day stuff. I have a clip-on reading light that I use when doing art projects that require more attention to detail. I kept all the fixtures (rugs, shelves, bulletin board, magazine rack, baskets) on the cream-colored side just to maintain that open feeling. I think it works. I don’t feel like it’s too close in here. One of the unexpected upsides of the shape and size of this office is that the room makes a great speaker. When I play music on my laptop, I can actually hear it clearly and the volume amplifies so nicely. Normally, the rooms in our house are too big for my little crappy laptop speakers, so even at full volume, it just seems to fade away. But playing at full volume from my office allows me to hear it perfectly in the kitchen and living room. Take that Bose!

I wanted to put some inspirational pieces of art on my walls, and I have a rather informal guideline I use in my house regarding what gets shown off on the walls. I try to only put up pieces of art done by people I know. I am fortunate enough to have many talented artists on both sides of my family as well as K’s, so it’s not as hard a guideline to stick to as you might imagine. I decided to dedicate my office to my Aunt Mary who was quite an accomplished artist and one of the more jovial people I’ve ever known. She loved to give big hugs and had a generous laugh and I do miss her. When I was a little girl, she would babysit me sometimes and I have very fond memories of playing in her attic as well as loving the fact that I knew the people in her paintings. I even made the cut into one of them and I have it hanging on the door into my new office. A couple of years ago, Mary’s daughter—my cousin, C—let us all come over and pick out some of her pieces of art. Talk about feeling like a kid in a candy store! I already have some of her still life paintings on various walls around the house, but for my office I picked and framed some of the unfinished sketches to remind myself that practice is key to anything. I’ve got four figure studies, a matador done in pencil and ink, and the sketch for an icon of St. George killing the dragon. Having all those drawings in here gives a bit more meaning to my own efforts and makes it feel like home. Even if it is a closet.

So now I have my own office and it’s time to put it to good use. In fact, I just did. I could get used to this closet dwelling.

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Progress Report

I love the smell of new months…even if that month happens to be February, the longest shortest month ever. But I’ll forgive February this year because I can see grass, which I haven’t seen from November to April the previous 2 years we’ve lived here. Thank you, Mother Nature, for cutting a sister some slack. My apologies to the Mid-Atlantic for getting smacked with what was no doubt meant for us.

Thanks to those of you who expressed concern (both on and off-line) regarding my last post. I would like to assure you all that we are doing fine here. Probably 90% of the time things are normal and the kids and I are happy. What I am trying to do with this blog is be as honest as possible about what we go through during this unusual time moment in our lives–including that 10% of the time when I’m considering selling the kids on the black market or cursing the universe for the need for a deployment in the first place. I tend to want to work things out on my own first, if I can, before I go to others, but if I’m really having a problem, some of you will hear about it in person long before it makes its way to the blog. So if this is the first you are hearing about a problem I or the kids have had, that’s because it has either been dealt with already to my satisfaction, it’s nothing too major, or I’ve put some distance between me and it and feel comfortable sharing it publicly.  Also, I’m a private enough person to really consider what I throw out into the blogosphere before I type away. I’m grateful for your input and comments and observations though, but please don’t be too concerned. It’s just life and we get through it just like everyone else. We just have a few different wrinkles than the majority of the population.

Let me also say that the most important lesson I learned last deployment was to ask for help before things go off the rails, so I promise that I really do get the appropriate help when it’s needed. I could not be more proactive than I already am about seeking out the right people for assistance. Even with my delusions of grandeur about my own superwoman abilities, I do know my limits when it comes to single-parenting and I’m not afraid of asking for a hand. So no worries!

In fact, I’m tickled to say, this week has been a huge improvement over last. That being the case, I thought I would update the forward momentum of some of my goals.

• K has given me some links to sites that I will find useful in giving a round-up of what’s going on in Afghanistan while he’s there, so I can inform those of you who are interested. I’m starting my reading and research and deciding how to boil it down here a la Cliff’s Notes. Communication with K will be spotty for a while, but sometime in the next couple months that will iron out and we’ll get some regular updates from him. I will let you know when he gets where he’s going.

• Monkey is having a better week and managing some differences in his school routine really well and getting rave reviews for it. He is getting used to a whole lot less TV and seems to be enjoying playtime (especially with his moonsand this week) very much. We’ve been reading more and playing games, and he must be happy because he tells me daily that he’s glad I’m his mom. Phew! His attention span for talking with K online is short, but now that K has use of a headset with microphone, Monkey can see and hear K, which makes it easier for him to communicate. Hopefully that will help with how much he misses K and, in turn, reduce his frustration and acting out at school.

• R and I had our first Girl’s Night Out last night! We hit the pottery painting place and dinner at Applebee’s, and in spite of showing up to the pottery place not too long before they closed (much to the chagrin of the girl working there), we had a nice time painting. R picked out a box shaped like a heart with wings and I picked a little bowl with no particular purpose yet. We decided to work on our pieces over time rather than rushing through and ending up with crap. That should help with cost too because I won’t have to pay for pottery pieces each time we go, just half the studio fee. I’m already looking forward to the next time and can’t wait to show off my little bowl.

• Thanks to my new menu plan (I’m not calling it a diet, dammit!) I’ve finally shed some pounds and feel better and like I might just meet that particular goal after all. Now I just need to maintain the momentum. It’s taken more discipline than I knew I had to stop eating off the kid’s plates and snacking like crazy while I wait for the bus to bring them home. I make the kids take care of their plates as soon as they are done eating which heads off any misplaced obligation I feel to clear the plate so as to not waste food (and cuts down on the amount of cleaning I have to do). Instead of hanging out in the kitchen surrounded by the temptation of cookies and cheese and chips and chocolate while waiting for the bus to come, I wait in the living room where I can see when it’s coming just as well and read a magazine for a few minutes. I was good last night when R and I went to dinner and had a salad and water. I told R that I was not allowed to eat her fries or leftover burger and she did a good job keeping them from me. I’m trying to stick to 4 400-calorie meals a day and it was a tad early to go off the plan, so I think I did a pretty good job. I didn’t feel bad when we left, so I’m happy.

I’m still working out every day (mostly), doing my Passive/Aggressive routine: rotating between yoga, kickboxing, and running w/some strength training thrown in. I am sore as hell all over but I’m actually enjoying (for the most part) working out and challenging myself that way and grateful to see some changes for the better in my body. Of course the most challenging part is just fitting exercise into my schedule, but I’ve been managing and sometimes Monkey even joins me. He likes some yoga poses, so I’ll pull a mat out for him and he’ll practice too. I have to say that getting the Wii along with Wii Fit Plus has been a great catalyst for helping me acquire the motivation (and nagging, frankly) to stick with this so far. I don’t think I’ve worked out for over a month solid in a very long time. I’m considering picking up another “game” next month—it’ll be my reward for keeping up with my program. I’ve got about 15 more pounds to go, and I suspect they will not go willingly so I need to mix things up or I’ll get bored and quit and be right back where I started…unemployed (and fat) in Greenland. I’m considering getting either EA Sports Active and/or its companion, My Fitness Coach, or Gold’s Gym Cardio Workout (for the boxing). Guess I’ll just have to see where I am in a month and what I think I’m lacking and go from there. It’s nice to have so many good options though.

• I’m still ironing out my writing schedule but sitting down to scribble away daily even if when or how long I write isn’t the most consistent. Most of the time it’s just the hour before I have to be up with the kids, but sometimes I tack on a few minutes here and there depending on what I’m working on. I’ve found a day-long workshop I’d like to attend locally, but I’ve got to think about that some more before I commit since that involves kid logistics as well. I’m still on the hunt for some online courses or workshops and finalize what contest I’d be eligible to compete in, but I have time for that still. All-in-all though, I’m comfortable with the start I have and hope that once I’m clear of freelance work (that I’m hustling to get done), I’ll have more time to devote to writing. At least I’m on the write (haha) path, so to speak.

While my to-do list this week is longer than I care to acknowledge, I’m happy with the headway I’ve made this week and the forward movement all around. K is going to be heading off to a different training area soon so we’ll have limited  communication with him for a bit, and no doubt the kids will have some issues with that, but they’ll get through it and we’ll be creative about how we include him in our day to day lives. In the meantime, we are off this weekend to visit with family and celebrate my big brother’s birthday. I’ll be back early next week to talk more about life among the deployed.

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Hits and misses

Thanks to everyone who voted and provided me with feedback. I really do appreciate it and will take it into consideration as I move forward. Like I said, I generally have plenty to say, but sitting down to say it and/or picking what to say can be a challenge. Your opinions help. I spoke with K and he’s going to give me some links to good resources about what’s going on overseas (the ones we are allowed to see anyway) and he said he will try to check in here and comment with updates as he can. That, of course, will depend on how often he’ll be able to get online. There will be times his updates will come from me based on our emails during the week if he doesn’t have a chance to write. I’m sure we’ll figure out something a little more regular once he’s there and in a communication groove.

Life for the kids and me has been pretty good the last couple of weeks. We are almost into a regular routine. R and I had a mini board meeting last night (she’s my VP of Operations after all) to talk about responsibilities, allowance, helping out with Monkey so I can write once a week, and our twice-a-month girl’s night out. I spend plenty of one-on-one time with Monkey because he’s home with me half a day every day, but R doesn’t get much if any time alone with me, so I hired a sitter to come and hang with the boy which will now allow me to watch R during her sparring class and then take her to dinner and either the book store or the ceramic painting place. We are both looking forward to it quite a bit. R was a 3-year-old heartbroken maniac last deployment and our relationship was not the best (that’s an understatement). Thankfully, she’s of that age now where I can reason with her to get her to do most things, but by letting her help out more (she can make herself a fried egg sandwich all by herself and frequently does!) and making the time to be alone with her I think we will be more allies than adversaries. It has always been a top priority of mine for this deployment to make us closer, not drive us apart like last time.

Positive reinforcement is the phrase of the week for both kids. I’m working with Monkey’s team (his teacher, behavior specialist, and occupational & speech therapists) to come up with a reward system that bridges home and school. It is no easy task and I’m still thinking about how I’m going to put it all together here. He’s not ready for an allowance, but he loves tv, toys, and going places, so that’s my currency. Keeping him away from the tv until he earns the time is an uphill struggle, but thanks to a suggestion by his behavior specialist, a rice (and bean) bucket full of small plastic animals, wooden and crystal gem shapes, magnetic numbers, and little letter beads is now hours of fun (and clean up). He and R both will spend about an hour or more playing with everything in there as you can see…

R & Monkey playing in the rice bucket

Look at all that stuff to find!

The neat-freak in me is a little on edge at the thought of 15 pounds of rice ending up all over the place (whether in small increments or catastrophic deluge), but given how much he likes playing with it and how it’s not tv, I’m ignoring my inner Felix Unger for the moment and teaching Monkey how to vacuum. We are going to use a token system where he earns tokens at school for doing his work and he brings them home. From there, I get to figure out how big a deal to make (he loves praise and to make me smile) and what kind of reward to give him. I’m sure I’ll have this worked out before the week is over and hopefully it will facilitate him making even more progress.

With all the work going into a reward system for the kids, I’ve been contemplating using one myself to help meet my goals (writing, work, and weight-loss). Self-motivation and reinforcement has never been my strong suit, but it’s not too late to change that. I’ve got plenty of practice and knowledge of positive reinforcement training from my time working with dogs. I know it works and the results are long-lasting. So today, I’m going to think about what rewards I’d work hard for and what I’m going to have to do to earn them. I’ve already put together my writing schedule, my workout plan, my menu options, and figured out where my freelance work hours generally fit in. I’ve now worked out enough that I actually look forward to doing it and can pick it back up after missing it for a couple days. I can’t say that I’ve seen any physical results, but the habit is there and the dislike of exercise is fading. I guess that’s a good enough result for the moment. Hopefully if I can create and maintain the positive reinforcement, I’ll start to see changes that are more acceptable to me and my goals will start falling into place.

We’ve definitely had more hits than misses recently, although the missing has certainly begun. K and I missed our anniversary last week and we’ll be missing K’s birthday next week. The kids are starting to miss him out loud now, too. Monkey doesn’t usually say much when K travels (he spends 85% of his time with just me normally anyway), but the last few days he’s mentioned to all of us that he misses his Daddy. He did get some webcam time with K a couple of days ago, which is great, but I think it makes them both sad. R, on the other hand, loves webcamming and it doesn’t make her sad at all. I’m sure the novelty will wear off at some point, but right now, being able to email and chat with K on her own terms helps her with the missing part. Monkey just isn’t at that level and requires others to help him communicate with K. I am glad Monkey says anything at all because I’ve been unsure how he was going to deal with all this. His language is so far behind, that he’s not always able to get across what he’s feeling, but he’s getting there and him telling me he misses K is a huge improvement and it’s better than him acting out which is pretty typical of military kids during deployments.

K also missed the first really good snow of the season last week–the kind you can make snowmen out of. After I finished shoveling and the kids wrapped up sledding down the snow piles left from the plow guy, we got together and made a snowman on the front lawn. They each wanted something different (Monkey wanted a Frosty and R wanted to make K), so they each took a half and decorated. It worked out better than I thought it would and we all had fun doing it. It was just getting dark when we finished, but we were all amused with our Frosty Dad.

Frosty side

Daddy side

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Poll Dancing

Sometimes I think I have too much to say and I spend a lot of time self-editing/censoring and thinking about how I want to present it and too little time actually writing it down. I’ve been thinking quite a bit about how to both keep motivated to write here, and what types of things to write about. I have some ideas, and I would love some feedback from the readers who will have to suffer through my posts. That’d be you.

So here is a poll for you to check the box for what you’d like to see here on a regular basis. You are also more than welcome to write in something deployment related you’d like to know about that maybe I haven’t touched upon. I’m open to suggestions, and I’m curious as to what you are curious about. You may pick more than one item and you may also add your own suggestion. You may only vote once, however.

Please do vote! I want this to be beneficial not just for me, but to everyone out there who would like to know more about life during a deployment. I can always use the guidance and I would rather have some concrete subjects than sit around flailing about not knowing what people would like to know.

So thanks in advance for participating.

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Talking about a revolution

I’ve decided that I’m ditching resolutions in favor of a full-scale revolution (defined as: “A sudden or momentous change in a situation.”). I don’t suppose it surprises anyone (besides me) that starting a revolution involves more than acquiring a theme song. Being a revolutionary takes thought, consideration, a fair amount of flexible scheduling and tweaking of said schedule. That’s mainly why I haven’t been here since I wrote about K’s departure. I have quite the year ahead and I’ve been trying out different configurations to my day to fit in the many components that make it up. I still don’t think I have it nailed down, but I’m figuring out how much I can realistically bite off and chew without choking.

New Year’s resolutions are not my forté by a long-shot. I don’t usually make them, and, in fact, probably would not have considered a revolution if K leaving hadn’t set things off. I need a good kick in the ass anyway, so I’m taking advantage of the timing which just happens to fall during that point of the year when everyone thinks improving themselves at the drop of a digit is a good idea. Unlike most resolutions that are made on a whim and a bad tradition, there’s a bit more thought involved in my case. As much as I want and am ready for a complete personal overhaul, I have to be kind of careful how drastic the change. Going through a deployment alters a person anyway, and making too many other changes has the potential for disaster in a military marriage. Sure, everyone changes from year to year, but generally (and hopefully) couples grow and change in the same direction or at the very least in each other’s presence. When you are apart, you can communicate new aspects of yourself, but until you are cohabiting again you don’t know if your new selves will mesh. Not many military marriages last and I’m guessing this is probably one of the many reasons. We are still working out the effects of the changes from the last deployment, so theoretically, I should be thinking of ways to minimize my contribution this time around. The other side of that coin is that I need to keep in the back of my mind the chance that K might not come home at all, and if that is the case, then I need to be able to support my family and be happy with myself and I’d rather hit the ground running in that case. Insurance money only lasts so long, and I want a career I love, not just a job to get by if I can swing it.

So, what will I be doing with myself this year? I guess I should lay out what’s already on my plate. I’ve got my freelance design business which is steady work and possibly more than I can manage time-wise most days. Once I finish my current obligations, I intend to scale back (more on this in a minute). I have my work with Monkey who needs extra help catching up. There’s the need to spend time with the kids both together and separately. I run the household, and that includes admin responsibilities (like bill paying, grocery shopping) as well as cleaning and laundry (with some help from R & K). Communicating with K is also on the list but is random and will only be more random as the year goes on. For the last year I’ve been taking art classes and I may slow down with it or switch it up with other types of classes, but I will probably continue to take one now and then. And lest I forget down-time when I get to goof off on my computer, read, and/or watch movies without guilt.

What does that leave time for? Maybe a potty break. Maybe. And a cat-nap. However, the two big and very important additions to my daily schedule are losing weight and getting my long sidelined writing career back on track. The two are not so disparate as they might seem. I am an eats out of frustration/anger/stress kind of person and I have spent the last couple of years being angry/frustrated/stressed but with a great kitchen. Probably not a good combo. I was angry about moving, frustrated at my new role staying home with a lack of time for the career I thought I should have, and stressed about the pending deployment. I’m no longer stressed about the deployment. It’s here and I feel confident we will be fine now. I am still not always thrilled about having moved, but I’m not so angry anymore either. I know I’m not leaving here for a long time, so I might as well try to enjoy it. That leaves frustration and 20 pounds to work off.

I have spent over 10 years doing graphic design, but I have spent the last 30 years wanting to be a writer. It is what I’ve gone to school for (twice) and the only career I ever imagined myself having. The graphic design blip has been a fun way to make a living, but I don’t believe it is where my heart and soul are. Hence the plan to scale back the design business once I’ve met my obligations. This decision is a rather big (if not inevitable) step for me. I had writer’s block for about 8 years and sadly thought I would have to give up my writing dream, but I have finally broken through it and have the compulsion to write all the time now. Granted, you haven’t seen me here, but I have been writing every day. I intend to keep it that way, too. I’m still working on a writing plan to make sure I post here with regularity while also working on my main goal for this year: to enter an essay contest (I have not chosen which among a handful of contests to enter yet). I’ve never been much of a fiction writer (although I do like to write short stories once and a while), but I have always loved feature writing and essays. I’m in the position to make this happen if I can marshal up my ambition and determination and scrape up some time. Many writers have built careers with far more going on in their lives. There’s no reason for me to not make the effort.

As for the 20 lbs. of edible frustration I packed on… Before K even left, I had begun working on the writing part of my planned revolution as well as the weight loss portion. Thanks to the Wii (Fit Plus) we got for Christmas, I am now geeked out enough to work out along with the family mii’s for at least 20 minutes a day boxing, running, and/or some other silly exercise option. It’s amusing (and sometimes frustrating), but it’s got me moving around and sweating in Winter, which, frankly, is unprecedented. It has also prompted me to get back into yoga and consider re-starting my favorite form of exercise, kickboxing (getting fit and hitting things? Oh yeah!). So, if I manage the frustration level and stick to writing instead of eating when angry/stressed/frustrated, I should be well on the way to being a lean, not-as-mean, writing machine.

Those are my goals. I’m a few weeks in and while I’m erratic with posting for the moment, I am building the habits and clearing the paths. And now that I’ve said everything out loud to the world, hopefully that will keep me honest. We’ll just have to see. I am hopeful though.

And lastly, just to update everyone on K’s life: he is still at his training facility and studying and learning as much as he can to make his job as intelligence officer a success. He loves the work and is feeling better now that he shook the bronchitis he was sporting while home on leave. This week they are training at a haunted abandoned insane asylum and he was very excited to check it out (even though he is without a spiffy specter detector). Maybe he’ll have a second career as a Ghostbuster.

Again, thanks for sticking with me as I iron out the details of my life as a single mom. Things should smooth out soon and you’ll be the first to know.

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Let the games begin: Part 2a

Welcome back, readers! Thanks for bearing with my absence. The Army decided to make me play “shift the space” with our holiday plans at the last minute, so I was scrambling to have our Christmas preparations done a few days earlier than planned. As soon as K got home we visited family for a couple of days, and by the time we got back and got settled into K’s last leave, I was just exhausted and needed some real down time and not just the pretend kind. But I’m back (with a vengeance!) and planning on catching up as much as I can.

Yesterday marked the first day of our “deployed” status. Or as I will call it here, “Part 2a” (2b starts when K leaves the country). Yesterday was also the day that we have been preparing and waiting for practically since the end of his last deployment. All the major changes we made in our lives for the last few years have been made to accommodate this single and long-lasting event. At 9 in the morning—in spite of the snow storm moving through our neck of the woods—K got on a plane to head back to his pre-mobilization station for another couple months of training before he ships out overseas. We won’t see him again until he either comes home on leave sometime mid-way through the deployment, or when he gets home at the end of the deployment. So, probably 4-6 months at the earliest and 11 months at the latest. Since we have little kids I’m guessing time will speed along faster than I expect just like always.

It’s hard to describe everything I felt yesterday without a twinge of guilt. For comparison’s sake, and as I’ve mentioned in earlier posts, when K left last deployment, I was more than a wreck. I’m not sure how much of that had to do with post-partum hormonal shenanigans and the tension brought on by caring for a preemie baby, but I worked myself up into such a state of anxiousness and worst-case scenario contemplation, I made myself physically ill. That, in turn, added a layer of shame and self-loathing for letting my emotions get the better of me, which then set off a frenzied undercurrent of self-doubt that I wouldn’t be able to handle everything. It has taken me a very long time to make peace with that particular feeling as it stuck with me like a barnacle for years. None of those early feelings were the best way to start a major life change, that’s for sure. In hind-sight, I couldn’t help but set myself up for failure (at least on my own terms—milage may vary with someone else’s perspective on my situation) given my complete lack of understanding of what a deployment entailed.

Our parting of the ways was so different this time. There were no tears, no drama (other than the fact that the snow plow guy showed up to clear the driveway just as our friend V came to take K to the airport causing a flurry of activity that cut into our last bit of quiet time together), no sadness, no worries, and best of all no vomiting. We made a couple of jokes, wished each other a good (safe) year, and I told K that I wanted us to find something positive in all this to make our separation worthwhile this time (and I mean to do just that). If I had to pick the major emotion of the day, I think we both felt relief that this whole thing was finally underway. Not only that, and I almost hate to say it, but I felt good. Confident and able. I’m ready. I wouldn’t say I’m excited exactly, but there are many things I’m really looking forward to this year (which I’ll share at a later date) that may not have come about if K were home. And I think K probably feels the same way about his new responsibilities for the coming year. While going to a dangerous place, he is also getting the opportunity to do some new things that really interest and excite him that he would not have been able to do had he stayed. I am also incredibly grateful that the back and forth is ending. We can get into a regular routine that won’t be interrupted every few weeks. And with the holidays over, I feel downright giddy at the prospect of some kind of new normal.

As much as I really disliked the coming and going of the last few months, I will admit that it probably helped the kids get used to K leaving as well as being gone. R was able to give him a hug and a kiss good-bye without crying either, and Monkey just murmured in his sleep. I’m sure they don’t quite grasp just how long he’ll be gone, and they will probably get hit later with missing K, but they were both great about everything. I took them to see The Princess and the Frog in the morning, and then we spent part of the afternoon outside playing in the snow (I shoveled and took pictures and they played). I got a few things done around the house, we had dinner together, and we hung out just like always when K is away. I purposely didn’t make a big deal out of our new change in status and the day passed quietly and with a few laughs even. I could not have hoped for better.

If I wish anything for us this coming year, it’s that I gain enough inner peace to compensate for the simmering anger I normally haul around, and that the kids stay as happy all year long as they were playing in the snow yesterday.

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Familiar ground

Lots to catch up on again—I decided to take a little time off from writing to readjust to having K. home for this short break. Some things were easier to adjust to than others. I’m just not good at shifting gears repeatedly or in quick succession. Needless to say, I make things complicated. For instance, on the one hand, I don’t want to get out of the practice of doing everything myself, but on the other hand, I don’t really want to do everything by myself. Even though I find it difficult to let go of my need to control the universe, I think we’ve been fairly balanced about the household chores and kid wrangling so far. K is as much of a neat freak as I am and he knows how to cook and manage the kids perfectly well, so I have no complaints there. I really am trying to enjoy the relative normalcy, but it is hard for me to be in the moment when I need to continue planning for future abnormal moments. Buddha I am not.

I did take advantage of K. being home and wanting to spend time with the kids, though. Saturday I took a much needed break from the house and escaped for adult conversation and chai with my friend, B. We are definitely two peas in a pod. I am glad she is around to help me stay sane this winter. Or maybe I’ll bring her over to the dark side and we’ll be insane together. Either way, I’ll have company and that can’t be a bad thing! Luckily, too, we live close enough that even if it snows a ton, we can always snowshoe to each others’ place. If we didn’t live at the North Pole, I wouldn’t even consider it, but after a couple winters’ worth of 8 feet of snow, it’s a factor. Winter accentuates the hermit in me, but I am excited at the prospect of having someone to be semi-anti-social with and I totally expect us to end up being like Statler and Waldorf from the Muppets by the time Spring rolls around.

Speaking of warm weather activities, Monkey has been somewhat obsessed with camping out lately, and it’s definitely too cold to actually do outside, so Saturday night I went out and picked up a cheap little 2-man tent for him. Yesterday we rearranged his room so that the tent would fit under his loft bed and still leave plenty of room for all his other stuff. I officially would love to be Monkey. He has the coolest room in the house. K. gave him an old sleeping bag of his and Monkey swiped a flashlight or two, so he and R. have been camping out. The good thing with that, even on school nights, is that Monkey wakes up early and will force R. to as well so I won’t have to. He’s my own little alarm clock. I just wish he had a snooze button on the weekends.

Just in time for the holidays, I’ve made the executive decision that it’s time to get back to losing weight. I’m not the heaviest I’ve ever been, and I have no inclination to see that particular number again either, but the yo-yo is on its way in that direction. So it’s time to lay off the Oreos—reduced fat though they are—and get back to the business of moving around more than not and not absentmindedly eating kid leftovers. This would also be the time I need to dig deep and recover my motivation to make this and about 10 other things happen. My motivation is quite the elusive, fair-weather friend who goes on vacation regularly. Like Peter Pan’s shadow, it needs to be sewn on me so that I will stop misplacing it. Even velcro would be fine because then I can stick it somewhere else when I need a break from it. Needless to say, if I’m going to be counting calories, points and/or repetitions, I had better start looking for my motivation under some rocks asap.

Actually, today is the day I get organized for the next couple of months and square myself away. It’s going to be hectic between holidays and K. traveling so much between here and there. He’s not going to be around to help with Christmas things, and the snow will no doubt be falling sooner than I would like. I’ve got my next art class starting up early next month and need to square away babysitters and class supplies. I also don’t want to start the new year without an idea how I’m going to work on my personal goals for the next several months. I would like my mantra to be something other than “I’m late! I’m late! For a very important date!” It would be a change of pace. So, the word of the day, dear readers, is “proactive.”

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Winding down and gearing up

One more day and I’m still trying to remind myself that this deadline isn’t mine to worry about. I keep thinking that I have to have all sorts of things done by Thursday morning, but I’m not the one leaving. Sure, things are going to change for us at home, but I still have time to work into my own schedule (which is really unlikely to be that different from what it is now) and our new (and improved!) routines. I have to remind myself that when I force change too much it never goes as planned. I know better but it doesn’t seem to really stop the inclination to force my square peg into the crescent hole.

Every day I’m reminded that the kid wrangling is all but officially my own to deal with. They had their dentist appointment yesterday and I can say without hesitation that it didn’t go so well. The fatalist in me pointed out every flaw and noted that It Will Happen Again, and my inner Zen monk countered with the sound of one hand clapping which was, frankly, kind of useless if not amusing to think about. The pragmatist reminded me that events are finite and this too would end one way or another. Winner! Monkey is not a fan of doctors to begin with, and there just was not enough prep I could do with him in the couple days before his appointment to make it go smoothly. I could hear him struggling from the waiting room (it’s a pediatric dentist office and they try to have the kids go in alone until the dentist needs to meet with parents) so I went in and tried to deal with that. In the process of keeping Monkey still just so the dentist could count his teeth and get a quick look while Monkey yelled in protest, I missed the important thing going on with R. in the next room. She needs to have a couple of baby molars removed and a spacer put in because they are sinking and fusing with her jaw and causing the other nearby molar to crowd the space where the adult molars should move into. I would have preferred that conversation to restraining a wriggling Golem. Another set of ears would have been handy, but sadly duplicating myself is only the premise of a bad movie.

When it came time to schedule the consults and appointments, I was also figuring in babysitter possibilities and calculating logistics for meeting the bus on time and the chances of having to bring Monkey along and whether or not it would be worth the money to load up my iPod with games for him to play while I try to pay attention to his sister and the oral surgeon, and oh, man, will there be time for a nap? I think that all happened in a half a second, but it gave my brain a cramp nonetheless. Luckily, I remembered I have longer than a half a second to get all these things actually planned out. When this is all over, I could totally get a job in logistics and project management. Unfortunately, I’m probably not going to want it.

But here we are at the end of this particular phase of our lives. K. is done with things around the house, so at least that is a load off his mind. Anything else that crops up I can take care of. He’s been pretty tired after a full day of tying up loose ends at work which is too bad because he’s not really in the right frame of mind to enjoy being home these last couple of days. We’ve been having all of his favorite meals this week and I made his favorite cookies and am updating his iPod with music and audio books to entertain him on all his travels. The last thing we really need to do is work on R.’s assassin costume for Halloween. After that, there’s nothing left for him to do here and he can go with a clear conscience. We are both resigned to his leaving and both ready to get this over with. I suspect we both feel a degree of guilt in looking forward to new experiences without the other to share them with, but at least we’ll have things to talk about later which is better than never having anything to talk about. In any event, it’s time and there’s no avoiding it now.

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