Reboot to the head

Every once and a while, when the planets are misaligned, the selfish ‘tween in me wants to scream at the universe for not making things go my way. I want the square peg in the round hole, dammit, and I want it yesterday! When I was growing up and picturing and planning my life, I can guarantee you it didn’t look like what I see on a daily basis. In actuality, I worked incredibly hard to avoid this very situation of stay-at-home-momness. I don’t mean to imply that my life is horrible or that I hate it—it’s not, and I don’t (97% of the time)—but it isn’t what I saw for myself (or what I had been working toward) either, and making peace with that, or just adapting my vision and shifting my time-line, is a challenge that enjoys rearing it’s pissy little head at me with regularity lately, and to quote Billy Crystal’s SNL character, Willie The Masochist, “I hate it when that happens.”

When the challenge of being the only responsible adult in the house is especially burdensome, I am as resentful as the next person in the bathroom after the toilet paper has been used up and not replaced. Maybe even a little more than that. When I get my wallow on, my resentment knows no bounds. I experience my own little bitter supernova. K is the easiest target (for being in the Army and leaving me to deal with the kids and every other little thing here at home by myself), but I like to throw in the Army (for giving us the means to add some tension and division to our marriage), terrorists (for being such evil asshats and the catalyst for my lack of in-person partner), feminists (for selling an ideal that for so many women is not realistic and, when unattainable, guilt-inducing), and finally my own expectations (should they be so high?). They all get a crack at making the top of the list depending on the time of day and the direction of the wind. I resent that K gets to go do the job he loves and have adventures (yes, I’m aware that it’s not all fun and games where he is, but it is different), while I’m home doing a job I sometimes think I’m ill-qualified to have and my biggest adventure is making it out of Target without one or both of the kids crying because they didn’t get whatever glittery piece of plastic junk they thought they would die without. My favorite ridiculous thing to resent is my graduate degree (it mocks me). On top of it not being useful currently, it’s a financial burden. Double the fun. Don’t ask where my diploma is because I can’t even tell you—I’ve hidden it that well. Eventually, I even get around to resenting being resentful. That’s what I call a productive day.

The trick is not letting resentment bubble over and snowball into something more grievous. I won’t know if I am successful at mastering that skill for a long time. Like I said, it’s something I struggle with. I don’t have a secret formula or 8-step program to make it go away, and I’m not so selfless that I can feel good about putting myself last indefinitely. I’m learning greater patience (thanks, Monkey) and I write to put those feelings more on paper than on people. In the end, though, life is what you make it. I know this. So I bust my ass to make sure that that resentment doesn’t take over (and really, who doesn’t want to let the crazy, bitter, chick take the wheel?! Talk about adventure! /sarcasm). I haven’t learned to shed those feelings completely—I’m neither Superwoman, nor perfect, nor remotely enlightened. You have to have time and focus to become those greater things and time is at a premium in my house and Focus is the kind of car K drives. The best I can do is try not to let those feelings rule my life and cloud my thinking, and, instead, make opportunities to create a different path to the life I envisioned for myself.  A Road Less Traveled, if you will (thanks Mr. Frost!) or if I may steal an over-used Hollywood phrase—a “reboot.”  Hey, it worked for Star Trek, why not me?

Yesterday was a day I let things get to me. I was just simmering and angry and in a mood to sell the kids, pack up the dogs, and go to parts unknown. I doubt anyone but me knew I was feeling that way which is a good thing. But not even kickboxing was beating off the dark cloud, and usually punching and kicking the standing bag across the room does wonders for me. Luckily it was really windy out and I had the option to be wussy and stay indoors until the wind died down and the sun came out. By day’s end, I had gotten a dozen hugs and kisses from my boy for no good reason, watched him voluntarily try veggies and like them (earning him a dozen hugs and kisses from me), help R work through a rough patch of missing her Daddy (which she tries so hard to manage on her own, brave girl that she is), and finally forced myself into a better mood by singing (thank you Incubus—you are always there when I need you!) as I cleaned up the very messy kitchen, took out the garbage, and tossed in a load of laundry (I know, it sounds like I stole my evening from Snow White…). I was even able to appreciate the clear night sky with its twinkling stars and bright half moon as I brought the dogs in from their last venture out for the night. When the kids were finally asleep and I had the benefit of a  few quiet moments, I thought about how to cut some corners into the round hole so I can choose the peg that works best for me, and I woke up feeling less resentful and more hopeful that the crazy chick will not find the keys to the car today.

Lastly, and somewhat off topic, Happy Greek Independence Day from a fairly independent, and—in spite of what I wrote up above—happy Greek. Zito Hellas!

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Pictures and less than a thousand words

It’s Monday and the start of a new week. But before we are all crazed about deadlines, meetings, chores, practices, and every other little thing, I thought I would take a moment to appreciate some of the better, and picture-worthy, moments of the past week.

About a week ago we had two of the neighbors over for a playdate. R & Big A are good friends from school, and Monkey and Little A are friends thanks to proximity and their older siblings. Monkey loooooves Little A and calls her his “best friend.” They are a riot when they play together running away from “monsters” and they are quite good at being formal when their big sisters dress them up for a ball (ah the vagaries of being the younger sibling!). You’ll notice Monkey is wearing a suit jacket and tie over his grungy weekend crew-neck t-shirt. Little A has been primped and powdered and made up within an inch of her life and is sporting a sash that says, “Princess” (in case you couldn’t get that from the bright pink foofy dress she is wearing). They were paraded down to the living room and danced to some Disney Princess song or other. Monkey is quite the charmer on the dance floor and as you can see from the second picture, he did twirl Little A about a bit with some grace. Is it too early to get them signed up for “So you think you can Dance?”

Like most of the east coast, we had a pretty good amount of rain within the last couple of weeks. That caused a pretty good amount of flooding in the field behind our house where it dips down. The kids have always loved when this happens–Monkey especially. He goes out back, rolls up his pants (and sometimes just removes them completely!) and splashes around in the mini ponds for over an hour. It is his favorite thing to do. He will sneak out there if I’m not paying attention, and I physically have to go remove him to get him to come in and eat dinner. He’s a little water bug.

So the other day, as I was assessing the clean up for the screen house attached to our barn, I’ve got half an eye on him as he’s standing out in the field. He yells to me something I hear as “Come look at the dust!” when, in fact, he was telling me to come look at the ducks. Curious why he’d want me to look at dust in the field, I trekked out there and sure enough, there is a pair of mallard ducks swimming along in the bigger and deeper of the puddles out back. They were a male and female who seemed completely undisturbed by the small boy yelling nearby and chattering at them as they dove for food and swam about. We talked about the ducks at length and I took some pictures for Monkey to take into school. Here are Mr. & Mrs. Mallard.

One of Monkey’s many favorite things to do on the fly is construct rock piles. I like to think of it as Cairn-building. Sounds way more cultured. So during the week he called me over to look at his latest creation.

I thought the pink polka-dotted rock was inspired…

This weekend, the kids, dogs, and I made a quick trip to my hometown for R to participate in another Greek Dance event. The weather was just amazing and I took advantage of the fact that there were multiple extra adults around and went for a walk early Sunday Morning along the water. I should have remembered my regular camera, but I was planning to do some running too, and the camera would have been to awkward to bring. So phone camera it was.

This is my favorite house on my walking route. It’s got the roof line I love in houses, wrap-around porch, nice decorative detail that is not over-done, and a widow’s walk. Someday…

I can’t wait to see what this is going to be when it’s finished. Might just have to keep visiting so I can take pictures of the progress!

Coming full-circle, we’ve got R in her Greek dance costume with her Irish blue eyes and freckles. She did a great job partaking in the Greek Independence Day celebration at church. Again, for a kid who doesn’t get the same opportunities to learn to dance that I had growing up, she did pretty well. I suspect the chance to wear a costume was a bonus for her, although for me I would have declined the pleasure if it meant dressing up more than the usual church skirt. She’s a beautiful girl no matter what she wears though!

Before I move on to putting kids on buses and getting my head collected for the week and clip on the pedometer to see just how much moving around I do in a day, I heard from K again today. He says they are still busy, the chow is good, and email is up and running. See? Somethings *are* the same there and here!

Hope you all have a picture-worthy week!

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No green eggs, but definitely ham.

The good news is that the rain stopped and it feels like Spring. The better news is that I finally have the chance to sit down and write (and exercise and run errands and think and plan and socialize…) again. Those were a loooooong few weeks of falling off the goal wagon again and again which would have resulted in quite the case of road rash had I actually been falling off a real wagon. I realized that it wasn’t just all my freelance work hitting at the same time (although that was the biggest part), but it was R’s social life (currently on hold for this week), and working through some bumps with Monkey (which I’m happy to say we are on a “one step forward” track for the moment). Sometimes I’m at the top of my list, and sometimes I’m not. Mostly not, but I usually try to put myself in the top 5 if I can. The last few weeks I didn’t even make the list.

As I said, I did take notes along the way so that I could remember things I want to write about. At the top of that list today? Ham. You heard me right. Ham. For those of you who know Monkey, one of his defining characteristics is that he likes chicken nuggets. A lot. He has eaten them every single day since the first day he tried one several years ago (and he is only several years old). I’m not saying I go out and buy McDonald’s nuggets daily (or even weekly…bi-monthly maybe). We’ve tried all kinds of frozen nuggets from plain old chicken nuggets to throwing in the occasional fish stick that looked nuggetesque (which only works sometimes). I’ve even made homemade nuggets which he refused to consider even when drenched in ketchup. He’s allergic to soy, so the vegetarian nuggets are off limits, but if it’s breaded and nugget-shaped, it might be eaten by Monkey. He is enthusiastic about his meal and if you ask him what he wants for dinner he will happily give his patented battle cry: “Nuggets!!” When the McDonald’s commercial came out that had the chicken nugget wedding cake, we knew they had heard us talk about Monkey’s future wedding plans if he only found the right nugget-loving girl.

Enter Ponyo. She’s a goldfish who falls in love with a little boy, Sosuke, and wants to be a human girl. The movie is Japanese anime director Hayao Miyazaki’s story of The Little Mermaid and is insanely cute. We are huge fans of Miyazaki’s anime movies (my personal favorite being Porco Rosso), and I had taken the kids to see Ponyo at the theater when it was released here in the US last Fall. The kids both loved it and when it came out on dvd this week, it was my pleasure to buy it for them. Aside from Sosuke, one of Ponyo’s favorite things is ham. As a little fish, Ponyo swipes the ham from Sosuke’s sandwich and from that moment on, she is a fan of ham.

Apparently this made quite the impression on Nugget Boy. I happened to have some ham in the fridge and made myself a sandwich on Sunday after Monkey and R watched the movie. Monkey asked me if he could have some, so I ripped off a little piece and handed to him. The reality of a new food was not exciting as the thought of imitating Ponyo and before my hand even reached his plate, he said, “Uh…no thank you.” This was no surprise as he had done something similar with all kinds of new foods offered to him in the past.

Yesterday, after having his lunch (which consisted of “crabby patties” made of—wait for it—chicken nuggets with cheese and ketchup between 2 Ritz crackers) he asked again for some ham, so, again, I ripped off a piece and handed it to him. This time it got to his mouth (miraculously before Zoe snatched it out of his hand) and he put it in, made a face, and pulled it back out again. I told him he had to actually chew it and not just leave it on his tongue so he tried again and liked it. So I introduced him to ham and cheese. The heavens opened up and the angels sang. He really liked that salty combo (me too!) and ended up having it for dinner last night (between the requisite crackers, of course). If I could have laid my hands on Ponyo, I would have hugged her into a red squishy mess. Instead, I hugged Monkey until I thought his nuggety insides were going to pop out. I seriously was wondering if he was ever going to try new foods. Luckily, Monkey is a fruit fiend. He will eat pretty much any fruit you put in front of him and generally chooses fruit over sweets for snacks which is the only saving grace to his nugget habit. But now! Now maybe it’s becoming less of a habit and more of an option!

This change is also indicative of other changes in him that might seem a matter of course to others but to Monkey, they are significant and remind me that he is not on my timetable. For a kid who’s been rather stalled for the last few years, the last couple of weeks have been so hopeful. Of course, my first reaction is always to call K and share with him first since he and I have spent many a day worried about Monkey and his many issues. I have to stop myself mid-dial, run through the short list of people I like to curse when I have to go through these milestones without K to share in the fun. Then I go shoot him an email and hope he has the connection and time to read it before seeing it posted here or on Facebook. I am the lucky one because I get to be the recorder of memories and the praiser of Good Deeds, but I feel bad that both K and the kids are missing out on each other.

I know K’s absence is starting to kick in with both kids because R has told me as much not just in words, but in the fact that I am finding pictures of K in places they weren’t before. Monkey’s been a little odd in his communication, but I get it. Yesterday and today he was peeking in K’s car looking for his Daddy. I’m still trying to figure out the best way to handle these moments. Mostly I just let them happen and acknowledge to the kids that what they feel is normal and that K misses them too. Sometimes the timing is right to go send an email or draw a picture or something else to send to K, sometimes the moment comes and goes. We’ve got a long way to go yet, and I’ve learned how to build some rather impressive walls over the years, so I do my best to be sympathetic with a double-dash of emotional neutrality. This may prove to be a problem in my future, but I see no point in wailing and gnashing my teeth in front of the kids over something that cannot be changed. So I don’t. I hug them, suggest an outlet for their feelings and go about life like always. It’s the way I do things and so far it seems to be working because for the most part, the kids are happy and not letting this deployment impede their forward progress. It’s a lesson I hope they remember in the future when they face tough situations.

No doubt though, the lesson they’ll really come away with will be to try things they saw on TV. Better go cancel the cable subscription and hide the dvd collection…

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Little things in February

Time for a “Little Things” post because my brain is at half speed this week. I’ve picked up some weird sleep cycle that has me up at really odd and early hours for no apparent good reason. Last night was better and I’m hoping it makes for a clear-headed and not so sleep deprived day of productivity. I could use one of those. So here are some little things from the last week that took the edge off of all the other little things that put me on edge in the first place.

• Monkey sleeps in a tent in his room and I let him because it works. He’s happy to get in his sleeping bag and zip up and he stays there all night. It’s been the best sleep aid we’ve ever used for a kid who traditionally does not sleep well at all. Truth be told, Monkey loves to make “tents” wherever he can. For a kid who spent his first few weeks in an incubator, I should not be surprised that he loves little confined spaces to sleep in. Last week, he made a tent out of couch cushions, the ottoman, and a couple of poncho-liners in the living room and slept in it all night. In fact, it was the best night’s sleep he has had in months. It was tough not to laugh and smile when he woke up the next morning rumpled and content as could be. We all should find something so simple to be happy about when we open our eyes each day.

• I regained my appreciation for the architecture in my home town Saturday morning as I walked along the oceanside cliffs near my parent’s house. Not having taken that walk in ages, I had forgotten my love for all the amazing Victorian cottages that line the path to the water. The more ostentatious summer dwellings I have never been that impressed with, but the simple, silvery wooden-shingled, cozy homes with their widow’s walks and wrap-around porches have always been high on my list of architectural beauty. My hometown is littered with examples of classic house design. When I was thinking about college and what I wanted to be, I considered going into architecture so that I could restore old homes to their original beauty, but at the time, cookie-cutter boxy developments were in vogue and I just couldn’t stomach putting in time working on anything like that, so I took a different path. But now, every time I walk by an old house with unique features and character you just don’t see any more, I get a pang in my chest for not going in that direction. Some day, when I build my alternate universe machine, I’m going to see where that path would have taken me. In the meantime, I’m bringing my camera with me next time I go for a walk around town.

• One of the reasons we went visiting last weekend was so that R could participate in a Greek dance event at the church I grew up going to. She just started learning and for only having tried it once or twice before, did not do badly at all. I learned to dance by going to weddings and larger church functions (back in the days when I wasn’t allowed to be the heathen I am today), but R isn’t growing up like I did. I think it’s wonderful that the opportunity for her to learn these traditions I took for granted while growing up is there even if I find the timing and location of the events somewhat inconvenient. But I try to accommodate because they are part of who we are. Being Greek and all that goes with it is a significant part of who I am, and I’d like to think that the more R learns about it, the more she might understand me, too, as she gets older and wiser, and maybe forgive some of the baggage that goes along with large Mediterranean families.

Getting back to the dance… The “big kids” in the group were technically very good and certainly earnest in their performance, but I was amused at how serious one of the boys was each time he was out on the dance floor. He obviously has talent, but was missing some of the looseness that comes from the feeling that makes you want to dance in the first place. For all of R’s missed cues and bad timing, she had that look of joy on her face that comes from letting go and enjoying the moment. If it weren’t for a very tired and cranky Monkey on my lap (it was his bedtime after all), I might have joined her.

• One of the things I miss the most when K is not around is the regular adult conversation. I don’t mean to imply that he and I talked to each other constantly without one small child or another interrupting, but the option to talk without having to explain a joke or big word was always there if we wanted or could take it. I don’t live close to most of my best friends, and sometimes online chat is the only way I get to be an equal and not just the hermit care-taker of ankle-biters. It’s not ideal, but I take what I can get. I don’t work in an office anymore and the majority of my time is spent with a kid who is a few years behind in speech. I am fluent in 3-year-old (and dog). But I miss witty banter and inside jokes and shared life experiences and especially commiseration conversations that you just can’t get from your kids no matter how smart and clever they are. These days, my good friend and former deployment buddy, H, comes over one night a week to be the co-adult in the house which gives my brain a break and is going to earn her a spot in heaven to be sure. Especially since she agrees to get make-overs from the 9-year-old fashion consultant living in my house… H knows the pitfalls of a deployment and to ask what it is I need before she offers something. I get to cook for another adult, too, which is probably toward the top of my list of favorite things to do. I am lucky to have her around. Taking my good fortune on the road this past Saturday, a goofy chat with D had me giggling and feeling like a kid and about 10 mental pounds lighter, and then I capped the night off with an evening out sans kids with my best friend, L, and our other good friend from high school, J. We talked about serious stuff, not so serious stuff, and enjoyed a plate of nachos and a beer (in my case) until the restaurant closed. The antisocial misanthrope in me always thinks I can get by on my own just fine, thank you very much, but then I am reminded that I really am a social animal and that my pack (or herd, or flock, or gaggle) is important to my mental well-being. I am privileged enough to have fantastic friends both on- and off-line to talk to and I really appreciate them all and don’t tell them often enough. They probably think I’m a bit strange and clingy these days, but that’s because they are my sanity in a world of cartoons, pretend play and preteen drama.

• It’s no secret I love the hell out of my dogs. I’m not shy about showing it, but I have good reason. While CaseyJones is my puppy soul-mate, Zoe has certainly earned a good sized chunk of my heart this week and earned her second mention in a “Little Things” post. Apart from her usual night time snuggle-fest where I take full advantage of her thick Winter coat to mimic an electric blanket, she has taken to watching out for the kids too. She always walks the kids as close to the bus as the electric fence will allow (even if she’s in the middle of eating her breakfast, which says quite a bit—she is a Lab after all), and she greets them with a lot of waggles and kisses when they get home. But the other day, she sat watching Monkey as he went “skating” on the ice patches just beyond the boundaries of our yard. She didn’t take her eyes off him until he headed back to the house with her trotting along side him. She always looks after the kids when they are out (I watch through the windows if I’m not out there with them) and I always know when they are up to something because she barks at them. Her help is unexpected but very much appreciated. I might just have to change her name to “Nana” like the dog in Peter Pan…

• While I’m very sorry my friends and family in the DC area are getting pummeled with snow storm upon snow storm, but I am grateful it’s not me this Winter. The last two winters have been long and we’ve tallied anywhere from 6-8+ feet of snow each season. The first week we lived here, we accumulated 3 feet of snow before I could unpack our boxes. So I thank you for suffering through the snow so I don’t have to. Maybe I’ll send you all some extra baklava this spring to make it up to you.

Finally, just to keep everyone up-to-date on K’s whereabouts, he’s still here in the US training. He and his unit have been out in the field for over a week now and I haven’t heard from him since they left their former training area for this new one. In all honesty, I’m not sure I’ll hear from him until he gets to his final destination. So, for now, no news is good news. (That’s an important rule, so keep it handy the next several months.) I will let you all know when I hear from him though.

I have been busy doing some freelance design work when not falling on my face exhausted this week, and as I finish up the jobs, I’ll be around more. My time is, as you might guess, limited, but like the Terminator, I’ll be back.

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Progress Report

I love the smell of new months…even if that month happens to be February, the longest shortest month ever. But I’ll forgive February this year because I can see grass, which I haven’t seen from November to April the previous 2 years we’ve lived here. Thank you, Mother Nature, for cutting a sister some slack. My apologies to the Mid-Atlantic for getting smacked with what was no doubt meant for us.

Thanks to those of you who expressed concern (both on and off-line) regarding my last post. I would like to assure you all that we are doing fine here. Probably 90% of the time things are normal and the kids and I are happy. What I am trying to do with this blog is be as honest as possible about what we go through during this unusual time moment in our lives–including that 10% of the time when I’m considering selling the kids on the black market or cursing the universe for the need for a deployment in the first place. I tend to want to work things out on my own first, if I can, before I go to others, but if I’m really having a problem, some of you will hear about it in person long before it makes its way to the blog. So if this is the first you are hearing about a problem I or the kids have had, that’s because it has either been dealt with already to my satisfaction, it’s nothing too major, or I’ve put some distance between me and it and feel comfortable sharing it publicly.  Also, I’m a private enough person to really consider what I throw out into the blogosphere before I type away. I’m grateful for your input and comments and observations though, but please don’t be too concerned. It’s just life and we get through it just like everyone else. We just have a few different wrinkles than the majority of the population.

Let me also say that the most important lesson I learned last deployment was to ask for help before things go off the rails, so I promise that I really do get the appropriate help when it’s needed. I could not be more proactive than I already am about seeking out the right people for assistance. Even with my delusions of grandeur about my own superwoman abilities, I do know my limits when it comes to single-parenting and I’m not afraid of asking for a hand. So no worries!

In fact, I’m tickled to say, this week has been a huge improvement over last. That being the case, I thought I would update the forward momentum of some of my goals.

• K has given me some links to sites that I will find useful in giving a round-up of what’s going on in Afghanistan while he’s there, so I can inform those of you who are interested. I’m starting my reading and research and deciding how to boil it down here a la Cliff’s Notes. Communication with K will be spotty for a while, but sometime in the next couple months that will iron out and we’ll get some regular updates from him. I will let you know when he gets where he’s going.

• Monkey is having a better week and managing some differences in his school routine really well and getting rave reviews for it. He is getting used to a whole lot less TV and seems to be enjoying playtime (especially with his moonsand this week) very much. We’ve been reading more and playing games, and he must be happy because he tells me daily that he’s glad I’m his mom. Phew! His attention span for talking with K online is short, but now that K has use of a headset with microphone, Monkey can see and hear K, which makes it easier for him to communicate. Hopefully that will help with how much he misses K and, in turn, reduce his frustration and acting out at school.

• R and I had our first Girl’s Night Out last night! We hit the pottery painting place and dinner at Applebee’s, and in spite of showing up to the pottery place not too long before they closed (much to the chagrin of the girl working there), we had a nice time painting. R picked out a box shaped like a heart with wings and I picked a little bowl with no particular purpose yet. We decided to work on our pieces over time rather than rushing through and ending up with crap. That should help with cost too because I won’t have to pay for pottery pieces each time we go, just half the studio fee. I’m already looking forward to the next time and can’t wait to show off my little bowl.

• Thanks to my new menu plan (I’m not calling it a diet, dammit!) I’ve finally shed some pounds and feel better and like I might just meet that particular goal after all. Now I just need to maintain the momentum. It’s taken more discipline than I knew I had to stop eating off the kid’s plates and snacking like crazy while I wait for the bus to bring them home. I make the kids take care of their plates as soon as they are done eating which heads off any misplaced obligation I feel to clear the plate so as to not waste food (and cuts down on the amount of cleaning I have to do). Instead of hanging out in the kitchen surrounded by the temptation of cookies and cheese and chips and chocolate while waiting for the bus to come, I wait in the living room where I can see when it’s coming just as well and read a magazine for a few minutes. I was good last night when R and I went to dinner and had a salad and water. I told R that I was not allowed to eat her fries or leftover burger and she did a good job keeping them from me. I’m trying to stick to 4 400-calorie meals a day and it was a tad early to go off the plan, so I think I did a pretty good job. I didn’t feel bad when we left, so I’m happy.

I’m still working out every day (mostly), doing my Passive/Aggressive routine: rotating between yoga, kickboxing, and running w/some strength training thrown in. I am sore as hell all over but I’m actually enjoying (for the most part) working out and challenging myself that way and grateful to see some changes for the better in my body. Of course the most challenging part is just fitting exercise into my schedule, but I’ve been managing and sometimes Monkey even joins me. He likes some yoga poses, so I’ll pull a mat out for him and he’ll practice too. I have to say that getting the Wii along with Wii Fit Plus has been a great catalyst for helping me acquire the motivation (and nagging, frankly) to stick with this so far. I don’t think I’ve worked out for over a month solid in a very long time. I’m considering picking up another “game” next month—it’ll be my reward for keeping up with my program. I’ve got about 15 more pounds to go, and I suspect they will not go willingly so I need to mix things up or I’ll get bored and quit and be right back where I started…unemployed (and fat) in Greenland. I’m considering getting either EA Sports Active and/or its companion, My Fitness Coach, or Gold’s Gym Cardio Workout (for the boxing). Guess I’ll just have to see where I am in a month and what I think I’m lacking and go from there. It’s nice to have so many good options though.

• I’m still ironing out my writing schedule but sitting down to scribble away daily even if when or how long I write isn’t the most consistent. Most of the time it’s just the hour before I have to be up with the kids, but sometimes I tack on a few minutes here and there depending on what I’m working on. I’ve found a day-long workshop I’d like to attend locally, but I’ve got to think about that some more before I commit since that involves kid logistics as well. I’m still on the hunt for some online courses or workshops and finalize what contest I’d be eligible to compete in, but I have time for that still. All-in-all though, I’m comfortable with the start I have and hope that once I’m clear of freelance work (that I’m hustling to get done), I’ll have more time to devote to writing. At least I’m on the write (haha) path, so to speak.

While my to-do list this week is longer than I care to acknowledge, I’m happy with the headway I’ve made this week and the forward movement all around. K is going to be heading off to a different training area soon so we’ll have limited  communication with him for a bit, and no doubt the kids will have some issues with that, but they’ll get through it and we’ll be creative about how we include him in our day to day lives. In the meantime, we are off this weekend to visit with family and celebrate my big brother’s birthday. I’ll be back early next week to talk more about life among the deployed.

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Hits and misses

Thanks to everyone who voted and provided me with feedback. I really do appreciate it and will take it into consideration as I move forward. Like I said, I generally have plenty to say, but sitting down to say it and/or picking what to say can be a challenge. Your opinions help. I spoke with K and he’s going to give me some links to good resources about what’s going on overseas (the ones we are allowed to see anyway) and he said he will try to check in here and comment with updates as he can. That, of course, will depend on how often he’ll be able to get online. There will be times his updates will come from me based on our emails during the week if he doesn’t have a chance to write. I’m sure we’ll figure out something a little more regular once he’s there and in a communication groove.

Life for the kids and me has been pretty good the last couple of weeks. We are almost into a regular routine. R and I had a mini board meeting last night (she’s my VP of Operations after all) to talk about responsibilities, allowance, helping out with Monkey so I can write once a week, and our twice-a-month girl’s night out. I spend plenty of one-on-one time with Monkey because he’s home with me half a day every day, but R doesn’t get much if any time alone with me, so I hired a sitter to come and hang with the boy which will now allow me to watch R during her sparring class and then take her to dinner and either the book store or the ceramic painting place. We are both looking forward to it quite a bit. R was a 3-year-old heartbroken maniac last deployment and our relationship was not the best (that’s an understatement). Thankfully, she’s of that age now where I can reason with her to get her to do most things, but by letting her help out more (she can make herself a fried egg sandwich all by herself and frequently does!) and making the time to be alone with her I think we will be more allies than adversaries. It has always been a top priority of mine for this deployment to make us closer, not drive us apart like last time.

Positive reinforcement is the phrase of the week for both kids. I’m working with Monkey’s team (his teacher, behavior specialist, and occupational & speech therapists) to come up with a reward system that bridges home and school. It is no easy task and I’m still thinking about how I’m going to put it all together here. He’s not ready for an allowance, but he loves tv, toys, and going places, so that’s my currency. Keeping him away from the tv until he earns the time is an uphill struggle, but thanks to a suggestion by his behavior specialist, a rice (and bean) bucket full of small plastic animals, wooden and crystal gem shapes, magnetic numbers, and little letter beads is now hours of fun (and clean up). He and R both will spend about an hour or more playing with everything in there as you can see…

R & Monkey playing in the rice bucket

Look at all that stuff to find!

The neat-freak in me is a little on edge at the thought of 15 pounds of rice ending up all over the place (whether in small increments or catastrophic deluge), but given how much he likes playing with it and how it’s not tv, I’m ignoring my inner Felix Unger for the moment and teaching Monkey how to vacuum. We are going to use a token system where he earns tokens at school for doing his work and he brings them home. From there, I get to figure out how big a deal to make (he loves praise and to make me smile) and what kind of reward to give him. I’m sure I’ll have this worked out before the week is over and hopefully it will facilitate him making even more progress.

With all the work going into a reward system for the kids, I’ve been contemplating using one myself to help meet my goals (writing, work, and weight-loss). Self-motivation and reinforcement has never been my strong suit, but it’s not too late to change that. I’ve got plenty of practice and knowledge of positive reinforcement training from my time working with dogs. I know it works and the results are long-lasting. So today, I’m going to think about what rewards I’d work hard for and what I’m going to have to do to earn them. I’ve already put together my writing schedule, my workout plan, my menu options, and figured out where my freelance work hours generally fit in. I’ve now worked out enough that I actually look forward to doing it and can pick it back up after missing it for a couple days. I can’t say that I’ve seen any physical results, but the habit is there and the dislike of exercise is fading. I guess that’s a good enough result for the moment. Hopefully if I can create and maintain the positive reinforcement, I’ll start to see changes that are more acceptable to me and my goals will start falling into place.

We’ve definitely had more hits than misses recently, although the missing has certainly begun. K and I missed our anniversary last week and we’ll be missing K’s birthday next week. The kids are starting to miss him out loud now, too. Monkey doesn’t usually say much when K travels (he spends 85% of his time with just me normally anyway), but the last few days he’s mentioned to all of us that he misses his Daddy. He did get some webcam time with K a couple of days ago, which is great, but I think it makes them both sad. R, on the other hand, loves webcamming and it doesn’t make her sad at all. I’m sure the novelty will wear off at some point, but right now, being able to email and chat with K on her own terms helps her with the missing part. Monkey just isn’t at that level and requires others to help him communicate with K. I am glad Monkey says anything at all because I’ve been unsure how he was going to deal with all this. His language is so far behind, that he’s not always able to get across what he’s feeling, but he’s getting there and him telling me he misses K is a huge improvement and it’s better than him acting out which is pretty typical of military kids during deployments.

K also missed the first really good snow of the season last week–the kind you can make snowmen out of. After I finished shoveling and the kids wrapped up sledding down the snow piles left from the plow guy, we got together and made a snowman on the front lawn. They each wanted something different (Monkey wanted a Frosty and R wanted to make K), so they each took a half and decorated. It worked out better than I thought it would and we all had fun doing it. It was just getting dark when we finished, but we were all amused with our Frosty Dad.

Frosty side

Daddy side

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Let the games begin: Part 2a

Welcome back, readers! Thanks for bearing with my absence. The Army decided to make me play “shift the space” with our holiday plans at the last minute, so I was scrambling to have our Christmas preparations done a few days earlier than planned. As soon as K got home we visited family for a couple of days, and by the time we got back and got settled into K’s last leave, I was just exhausted and needed some real down time and not just the pretend kind. But I’m back (with a vengeance!) and planning on catching up as much as I can.

Yesterday marked the first day of our “deployed” status. Or as I will call it here, “Part 2a” (2b starts when K leaves the country). Yesterday was also the day that we have been preparing and waiting for practically since the end of his last deployment. All the major changes we made in our lives for the last few years have been made to accommodate this single and long-lasting event. At 9 in the morning—in spite of the snow storm moving through our neck of the woods—K got on a plane to head back to his pre-mobilization station for another couple months of training before he ships out overseas. We won’t see him again until he either comes home on leave sometime mid-way through the deployment, or when he gets home at the end of the deployment. So, probably 4-6 months at the earliest and 11 months at the latest. Since we have little kids I’m guessing time will speed along faster than I expect just like always.

It’s hard to describe everything I felt yesterday without a twinge of guilt. For comparison’s sake, and as I’ve mentioned in earlier posts, when K left last deployment, I was more than a wreck. I’m not sure how much of that had to do with post-partum hormonal shenanigans and the tension brought on by caring for a preemie baby, but I worked myself up into such a state of anxiousness and worst-case scenario contemplation, I made myself physically ill. That, in turn, added a layer of shame and self-loathing for letting my emotions get the better of me, which then set off a frenzied undercurrent of self-doubt that I wouldn’t be able to handle everything. It has taken me a very long time to make peace with that particular feeling as it stuck with me like a barnacle for years. None of those early feelings were the best way to start a major life change, that’s for sure. In hind-sight, I couldn’t help but set myself up for failure (at least on my own terms—milage may vary with someone else’s perspective on my situation) given my complete lack of understanding of what a deployment entailed.

Our parting of the ways was so different this time. There were no tears, no drama (other than the fact that the snow plow guy showed up to clear the driveway just as our friend V came to take K to the airport causing a flurry of activity that cut into our last bit of quiet time together), no sadness, no worries, and best of all no vomiting. We made a couple of jokes, wished each other a good (safe) year, and I told K that I wanted us to find something positive in all this to make our separation worthwhile this time (and I mean to do just that). If I had to pick the major emotion of the day, I think we both felt relief that this whole thing was finally underway. Not only that, and I almost hate to say it, but I felt good. Confident and able. I’m ready. I wouldn’t say I’m excited exactly, but there are many things I’m really looking forward to this year (which I’ll share at a later date) that may not have come about if K were home. And I think K probably feels the same way about his new responsibilities for the coming year. While going to a dangerous place, he is also getting the opportunity to do some new things that really interest and excite him that he would not have been able to do had he stayed. I am also incredibly grateful that the back and forth is ending. We can get into a regular routine that won’t be interrupted every few weeks. And with the holidays over, I feel downright giddy at the prospect of some kind of new normal.

As much as I really disliked the coming and going of the last few months, I will admit that it probably helped the kids get used to K leaving as well as being gone. R was able to give him a hug and a kiss good-bye without crying either, and Monkey just murmured in his sleep. I’m sure they don’t quite grasp just how long he’ll be gone, and they will probably get hit later with missing K, but they were both great about everything. I took them to see The Princess and the Frog in the morning, and then we spent part of the afternoon outside playing in the snow (I shoveled and took pictures and they played). I got a few things done around the house, we had dinner together, and we hung out just like always when K is away. I purposely didn’t make a big deal out of our new change in status and the day passed quietly and with a few laughs even. I could not have hoped for better.

If I wish anything for us this coming year, it’s that I gain enough inner peace to compensate for the simmering anger I normally haul around, and that the kids stay as happy all year long as they were playing in the snow yesterday.

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‘Tis the Season

Christmas makes me feel like the Wizard of Oz. I get to be the (wo)man behind the curtain orchestrating the gifts and making sure the munchkins don’t stick lollipops in each other’s hair while I turn everything green. I suspect, though, that I am busier at Christmas time than the Wizard is running Oz. I would love to complain that with K away I have more to do, but I’ve always been the one doing the majority of Christmas planning and executing (and there are years I wish I could execute Christmas!), so this year is not all that different. The only thing I’ve added to the to do is list is kid wrangling which just means things take a little longer.

Since K was leaving early in December, we decided to knock out some of the things we would normally do later so he could be here. First on the list was decorate the tree, of course. It wasn’t just K wanting to participate that drove us to decorate a little early. Nope, it was Monkey who had been talking about Santa and Christmas trees since before Thanksgiving. He could not be denied any longer. I was actually beginning to worry that if we didn’t bring the tree down from the barn (we have to have an artificial tree because of his allergies), he would and end up hurting himself. I blame Dora and her Christmas Time Adventure ads—they brainwashed the boy.

So decorate we did. I usually prep the tree before everyone decorates. Apparently I have the most patience for fixing and stringing the lights (a little secret: I actually enjoy repairing the stupid lights as long as I have enough replacement parts) which isn’t saying much. I’m usually tapped out on patience after that for at least a few months. Aside from electric circuit puzzles, my favorite thing about decorating our Christmas tree is putting up the picture ornaments. Since R was a baby, I’ve been putting together picture ornaments for the tree. I’ll pick out my favorite picture from earlier in the year and up it goes. I absolutely love to go through them and see how much the kids have changed or laugh over the sometimes very goofy pictures I’ve chosen (like Monkey sitting inside the toilet when he was first potty training). My goal someday is to have a tree that is just these pictures. We could probably do it now, but I keep getting vetoed. The other tree I want that no one else in my house wants is the lights only tree. After I put so much time into making the damn things work, I don’t want them covered with stuff. One day…

And here is our pretty traditional looking tree. Normally I do red, white, and green lights, but I couldn’t revive the red and green lights for a full compliment, so we went with white and blue. I do not like blinking, multi-colored lights. They make me feel like I’m going to have a seizure. Since K likes multi lights and I prefer white, this is our compromise.

And here is the kid’s little tree they decorate without our help at all. We put it on the dining room table so they can still rearrange it when they want. It’s pretty small and when they are done, I am reminded of modern art.

One of my favorite things about this house is that we have a working fire place with a real mantel we can hang stockings from. In our last house we had to hang them from the staircase banister which is just not the same. There are actually many things I love about Christmas time: my blue snowflake dishes, the icicle lights out on the porch, our little Santa collection, and figuring out how to keep Santa’s secret while he is still a revered figure. I enjoy making our goofy Christmas cards (traditionally I make us stick figures, or, like this year we are gingerbread cookies), and I love to make baklava to give as gifts. I often wish these things would take care of themselves, but they don’t and I do get a fair amount of satisfaction out of managing it all. I just need to hire the occasional elf.

Last year I started a new tradition with the kids by taking them to Santa’s Village up north in the mountains. Santa’s Village is actually an amusement park. Yes, I said amusement park. There are roller coasters and a ferris wheel as well as other typical outdoor rides that run all summer and through to Christmas. And I can say only people who live this far north would consider riding a ferris wheel in the freezing cold after a snow storm. And only people who live this far north would actually wear shorts to the tundra. (The guy in front of us to see Santa was wearing shorts while the rest of us were in snow suits. Dude was hardcore!) We are insane because our blood does not flow in the winter making us nearly impervious to the cold. (I wish!) The kids love it though and they get to visit with Santa and my kids are never so well-behaved as they are at Santa’s Village. Visiting the snowy playground is becoming my favorite tradition of all.

K didn’t get to go last year due to a slightly catastrophic ice storm that the Guard was called out for and that we lost power for several days (but was not catastrophic enough to stop a trip to the Village!). We lucked out this year with only minor snow and a free weekend so K could make this trip. It was one of the better family excursions we’ve taken this year.

Monkey is talking to Santa about Handy Manny tools while he waits for the obligatory candy cane.

I left the red-eye in on purpose because we like to tease our devil-child who looks so sweet (if not amazingly like Pepto) here.

K and R on the Ferris wheel.

And here is the view from the top. Almost makes the nausea and extra cold worthwhile.

R couldn’t wait to “drive” the old-fashioned cars. All I can say is I’m glad it was on a track she couldn’t hop.

And finally, the goofy face picture of the day… The little girl in the middle is cute though.

For as much work and thought that goes into Christmas preparations, I’m glad we did these things while K was still home to enjoy it too. It was the most fun we had and the least stressful between all his travel and long hours since this pre-deployment phase started. Sometimes I forget how much I like this time of year. Expectations can run too high and the workload and expense seems to grow exponentially, but these little things are the best parts. I’ve been doing my best this year to remember that these smaller things count and I don’t have to let out the humbug that lurks inside.

This year I’ve asked Santa to give me the patience to make it to next year’s visit with him. I have an inside connection and I’ve been less naughty than usual, so I think I’m in good shape. Time will tell.

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Gobble Gobble!

There was a turkey loose in my back yard yesterday. He tried to make a break for it, but I caught him…on film anyway.

There’s no getting away, little turkey!

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. I’ll be off for a couple of days visiting family and friends.  Hope you will be too.

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Familiar ground

Lots to catch up on again—I decided to take a little time off from writing to readjust to having K. home for this short break. Some things were easier to adjust to than others. I’m just not good at shifting gears repeatedly or in quick succession. Needless to say, I make things complicated. For instance, on the one hand, I don’t want to get out of the practice of doing everything myself, but on the other hand, I don’t really want to do everything by myself. Even though I find it difficult to let go of my need to control the universe, I think we’ve been fairly balanced about the household chores and kid wrangling so far. K is as much of a neat freak as I am and he knows how to cook and manage the kids perfectly well, so I have no complaints there. I really am trying to enjoy the relative normalcy, but it is hard for me to be in the moment when I need to continue planning for future abnormal moments. Buddha I am not.

I did take advantage of K. being home and wanting to spend time with the kids, though. Saturday I took a much needed break from the house and escaped for adult conversation and chai with my friend, B. We are definitely two peas in a pod. I am glad she is around to help me stay sane this winter. Or maybe I’ll bring her over to the dark side and we’ll be insane together. Either way, I’ll have company and that can’t be a bad thing! Luckily, too, we live close enough that even if it snows a ton, we can always snowshoe to each others’ place. If we didn’t live at the North Pole, I wouldn’t even consider it, but after a couple winters’ worth of 8 feet of snow, it’s a factor. Winter accentuates the hermit in me, but I am excited at the prospect of having someone to be semi-anti-social with and I totally expect us to end up being like Statler and Waldorf from the Muppets by the time Spring rolls around.

Speaking of warm weather activities, Monkey has been somewhat obsessed with camping out lately, and it’s definitely too cold to actually do outside, so Saturday night I went out and picked up a cheap little 2-man tent for him. Yesterday we rearranged his room so that the tent would fit under his loft bed and still leave plenty of room for all his other stuff. I officially would love to be Monkey. He has the coolest room in the house. K. gave him an old sleeping bag of his and Monkey swiped a flashlight or two, so he and R. have been camping out. The good thing with that, even on school nights, is that Monkey wakes up early and will force R. to as well so I won’t have to. He’s my own little alarm clock. I just wish he had a snooze button on the weekends.

Just in time for the holidays, I’ve made the executive decision that it’s time to get back to losing weight. I’m not the heaviest I’ve ever been, and I have no inclination to see that particular number again either, but the yo-yo is on its way in that direction. So it’s time to lay off the Oreos—reduced fat though they are—and get back to the business of moving around more than not and not absentmindedly eating kid leftovers. This would also be the time I need to dig deep and recover my motivation to make this and about 10 other things happen. My motivation is quite the elusive, fair-weather friend who goes on vacation regularly. Like Peter Pan’s shadow, it needs to be sewn on me so that I will stop misplacing it. Even velcro would be fine because then I can stick it somewhere else when I need a break from it. Needless to say, if I’m going to be counting calories, points and/or repetitions, I had better start looking for my motivation under some rocks asap.

Actually, today is the day I get organized for the next couple of months and square myself away. It’s going to be hectic between holidays and K. traveling so much between here and there. He’s not going to be around to help with Christmas things, and the snow will no doubt be falling sooner than I would like. I’ve got my next art class starting up early next month and need to square away babysitters and class supplies. I also don’t want to start the new year without an idea how I’m going to work on my personal goals for the next several months. I would like my mantra to be something other than “I’m late! I’m late! For a very important date!” It would be a change of pace. So, the word of the day, dear readers, is “proactive.”

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