Technical Difficulties

Sorry I have not posted since the very icky ladybug entry. A few things came up–I’ve been swamped trying to get ready for a little trip I’m taking soon (ah the logistics of single parenting!), Easter Bunny duties called, and as of a couple nights ago my hard drive suddenly, and with no warning whatsoever, bit the dust. That last part is the kicker. Funny thing is, last time K deployed, my computer died too. It’s like they know and like to toy with me, damn computers! Normally, the lack of computer is an inconvenience, but when you really only communicate via computer with your soldier, it becomes a bit more critical to have one available.

I’m currently using my kids’ computer which I’m grateful is available but just isn’t my own set up and so is uncomfortable to use. Luckily I backed up everything a little more than a month ago, so having the disk failure is not a total loss, but if my Apple go-to guy can’t recover my data, I’m still going to lose a bunch of files which makes me very sad. The nice thing is that because I purchased Apple Care when I bought my laptop, the new hard drive is free. I’m trying to avoid buying a new computer just yet, so I hope this all works. Everyone please cross their fingers that I’ll get everything back.

It’s going to be a few more days before I can post again, FYI. The kids and I are doing well and trying to enjoy the beautiful Spring weather through our collective allergies. Ah, balance, you are tricky. I hope everyone else is having a good start to their Spring! Take care and see you in a few days. Thanks for your patience.

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No green eggs, but definitely ham.

The good news is that the rain stopped and it feels like Spring. The better news is that I finally have the chance to sit down and write (and exercise and run errands and think and plan and socialize…) again. Those were a loooooong few weeks of falling off the goal wagon again and again which would have resulted in quite the case of road rash had I actually been falling off a real wagon. I realized that it wasn’t just all my freelance work hitting at the same time (although that was the biggest part), but it was R’s social life (currently on hold for this week), and working through some bumps with Monkey (which I’m happy to say we are on a “one step forward” track for the moment). Sometimes I’m at the top of my list, and sometimes I’m not. Mostly not, but I usually try to put myself in the top 5 if I can. The last few weeks I didn’t even make the list.

As I said, I did take notes along the way so that I could remember things I want to write about. At the top of that list today? Ham. You heard me right. Ham. For those of you who know Monkey, one of his defining characteristics is that he likes chicken nuggets. A lot. He has eaten them every single day since the first day he tried one several years ago (and he is only several years old). I’m not saying I go out and buy McDonald’s nuggets daily (or even weekly…bi-monthly maybe). We’ve tried all kinds of frozen nuggets from plain old chicken nuggets to throwing in the occasional fish stick that looked nuggetesque (which only works sometimes). I’ve even made homemade nuggets which he refused to consider even when drenched in ketchup. He’s allergic to soy, so the vegetarian nuggets are off limits, but if it’s breaded and nugget-shaped, it might be eaten by Monkey. He is enthusiastic about his meal and if you ask him what he wants for dinner he will happily give his patented battle cry: “Nuggets!!” When the McDonald’s commercial came out that had the chicken nugget wedding cake, we knew they had heard us talk about Monkey’s future wedding plans if he only found the right nugget-loving girl.

Enter Ponyo. She’s a goldfish who falls in love with a little boy, Sosuke, and wants to be a human girl. The movie is Japanese anime director Hayao Miyazaki’s story of The Little Mermaid and is insanely cute. We are huge fans of Miyazaki’s anime movies (my personal favorite being Porco Rosso), and I had taken the kids to see Ponyo at the theater when it was released here in the US last Fall. The kids both loved it and when it came out on dvd this week, it was my pleasure to buy it for them. Aside from Sosuke, one of Ponyo’s favorite things is ham. As a little fish, Ponyo swipes the ham from Sosuke’s sandwich and from that moment on, she is a fan of ham.

Apparently this made quite the impression on Nugget Boy. I happened to have some ham in the fridge and made myself a sandwich on Sunday after Monkey and R watched the movie. Monkey asked me if he could have some, so I ripped off a little piece and handed to him. The reality of a new food was not exciting as the thought of imitating Ponyo and before my hand even reached his plate, he said, “Uh…no thank you.” This was no surprise as he had done something similar with all kinds of new foods offered to him in the past.

Yesterday, after having his lunch (which consisted of “crabby patties” made of—wait for it—chicken nuggets with cheese and ketchup between 2 Ritz crackers) he asked again for some ham, so, again, I ripped off a piece and handed it to him. This time it got to his mouth (miraculously before Zoe snatched it out of his hand) and he put it in, made a face, and pulled it back out again. I told him he had to actually chew it and not just leave it on his tongue so he tried again and liked it. So I introduced him to ham and cheese. The heavens opened up and the angels sang. He really liked that salty combo (me too!) and ended up having it for dinner last night (between the requisite crackers, of course). If I could have laid my hands on Ponyo, I would have hugged her into a red squishy mess. Instead, I hugged Monkey until I thought his nuggety insides were going to pop out. I seriously was wondering if he was ever going to try new foods. Luckily, Monkey is a fruit fiend. He will eat pretty much any fruit you put in front of him and generally chooses fruit over sweets for snacks which is the only saving grace to his nugget habit. But now! Now maybe it’s becoming less of a habit and more of an option!

This change is also indicative of other changes in him that might seem a matter of course to others but to Monkey, they are significant and remind me that he is not on my timetable. For a kid who’s been rather stalled for the last few years, the last couple of weeks have been so hopeful. Of course, my first reaction is always to call K and share with him first since he and I have spent many a day worried about Monkey and his many issues. I have to stop myself mid-dial, run through the short list of people I like to curse when I have to go through these milestones without K to share in the fun. Then I go shoot him an email and hope he has the connection and time to read it before seeing it posted here or on Facebook. I am the lucky one because I get to be the recorder of memories and the praiser of Good Deeds, but I feel bad that both K and the kids are missing out on each other.

I know K’s absence is starting to kick in with both kids because R has told me as much not just in words, but in the fact that I am finding pictures of K in places they weren’t before. Monkey’s been a little odd in his communication, but I get it. Yesterday and today he was peeking in K’s car looking for his Daddy. I’m still trying to figure out the best way to handle these moments. Mostly I just let them happen and acknowledge to the kids that what they feel is normal and that K misses them too. Sometimes the timing is right to go send an email or draw a picture or something else to send to K, sometimes the moment comes and goes. We’ve got a long way to go yet, and I’ve learned how to build some rather impressive walls over the years, so I do my best to be sympathetic with a double-dash of emotional neutrality. This may prove to be a problem in my future, but I see no point in wailing and gnashing my teeth in front of the kids over something that cannot be changed. So I don’t. I hug them, suggest an outlet for their feelings and go about life like always. It’s the way I do things and so far it seems to be working because for the most part, the kids are happy and not letting this deployment impede their forward progress. It’s a lesson I hope they remember in the future when they face tough situations.

No doubt though, the lesson they’ll really come away with will be to try things they saw on TV. Better go cancel the cable subscription and hide the dvd collection…

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Hits and misses

Thanks to everyone who voted and provided me with feedback. I really do appreciate it and will take it into consideration as I move forward. Like I said, I generally have plenty to say, but sitting down to say it and/or picking what to say can be a challenge. Your opinions help. I spoke with K and he’s going to give me some links to good resources about what’s going on overseas (the ones we are allowed to see anyway) and he said he will try to check in here and comment with updates as he can. That, of course, will depend on how often he’ll be able to get online. There will be times his updates will come from me based on our emails during the week if he doesn’t have a chance to write. I’m sure we’ll figure out something a little more regular once he’s there and in a communication groove.

Life for the kids and me has been pretty good the last couple of weeks. We are almost into a regular routine. R and I had a mini board meeting last night (she’s my VP of Operations after all) to talk about responsibilities, allowance, helping out with Monkey so I can write once a week, and our twice-a-month girl’s night out. I spend plenty of one-on-one time with Monkey because he’s home with me half a day every day, but R doesn’t get much if any time alone with me, so I hired a sitter to come and hang with the boy which will now allow me to watch R during her sparring class and then take her to dinner and either the book store or the ceramic painting place. We are both looking forward to it quite a bit. R was a 3-year-old heartbroken maniac last deployment and our relationship was not the best (that’s an understatement). Thankfully, she’s of that age now where I can reason with her to get her to do most things, but by letting her help out more (she can make herself a fried egg sandwich all by herself and frequently does!) and making the time to be alone with her I think we will be more allies than adversaries. It has always been a top priority of mine for this deployment to make us closer, not drive us apart like last time.

Positive reinforcement is the phrase of the week for both kids. I’m working with Monkey’s team (his teacher, behavior specialist, and occupational & speech therapists) to come up with a reward system that bridges home and school. It is no easy task and I’m still thinking about how I’m going to put it all together here. He’s not ready for an allowance, but he loves tv, toys, and going places, so that’s my currency. Keeping him away from the tv until he earns the time is an uphill struggle, but thanks to a suggestion by his behavior specialist, a rice (and bean) bucket full of small plastic animals, wooden and crystal gem shapes, magnetic numbers, and little letter beads is now hours of fun (and clean up). He and R both will spend about an hour or more playing with everything in there as you can see…

R & Monkey playing in the rice bucket

Look at all that stuff to find!

The neat-freak in me is a little on edge at the thought of 15 pounds of rice ending up all over the place (whether in small increments or catastrophic deluge), but given how much he likes playing with it and how it’s not tv, I’m ignoring my inner Felix Unger for the moment and teaching Monkey how to vacuum. We are going to use a token system where he earns tokens at school for doing his work and he brings them home. From there, I get to figure out how big a deal to make (he loves praise and to make me smile) and what kind of reward to give him. I’m sure I’ll have this worked out before the week is over and hopefully it will facilitate him making even more progress.

With all the work going into a reward system for the kids, I’ve been contemplating using one myself to help meet my goals (writing, work, and weight-loss). Self-motivation and reinforcement has never been my strong suit, but it’s not too late to change that. I’ve got plenty of practice and knowledge of positive reinforcement training from my time working with dogs. I know it works and the results are long-lasting. So today, I’m going to think about what rewards I’d work hard for and what I’m going to have to do to earn them. I’ve already put together my writing schedule, my workout plan, my menu options, and figured out where my freelance work hours generally fit in. I’ve now worked out enough that I actually look forward to doing it and can pick it back up after missing it for a couple days. I can’t say that I’ve seen any physical results, but the habit is there and the dislike of exercise is fading. I guess that’s a good enough result for the moment. Hopefully if I can create and maintain the positive reinforcement, I’ll start to see changes that are more acceptable to me and my goals will start falling into place.

We’ve definitely had more hits than misses recently, although the missing has certainly begun. K and I missed our anniversary last week and we’ll be missing K’s birthday next week. The kids are starting to miss him out loud now, too. Monkey doesn’t usually say much when K travels (he spends 85% of his time with just me normally anyway), but the last few days he’s mentioned to all of us that he misses his Daddy. He did get some webcam time with K a couple of days ago, which is great, but I think it makes them both sad. R, on the other hand, loves webcamming and it doesn’t make her sad at all. I’m sure the novelty will wear off at some point, but right now, being able to email and chat with K on her own terms helps her with the missing part. Monkey just isn’t at that level and requires others to help him communicate with K. I am glad Monkey says anything at all because I’ve been unsure how he was going to deal with all this. His language is so far behind, that he’s not always able to get across what he’s feeling, but he’s getting there and him telling me he misses K is a huge improvement and it’s better than him acting out which is pretty typical of military kids during deployments.

K also missed the first really good snow of the season last week–the kind you can make snowmen out of. After I finished shoveling and the kids wrapped up sledding down the snow piles left from the plow guy, we got together and made a snowman on the front lawn. They each wanted something different (Monkey wanted a Frosty and R wanted to make K), so they each took a half and decorated. It worked out better than I thought it would and we all had fun doing it. It was just getting dark when we finished, but we were all amused with our Frosty Dad.

Frosty side

Daddy side

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Girlie

Last time K. deployed, R. was 3—almost 4—and oh, was it a nightmare being the one at home with her. Poor kid was just a wreck and too young to understand really what was happening and unable to communicate everything that was going on in her head. Well, she did communicate it, but as is typical of her age at the time, she expressed herself through tantrums, grudges, and attitude: the “Evil Axis” of toddlerhood. We did not have fun for that year. We were both on a steep learning curve and it was just painful. Every day was painful. I don’t think I’ve ever fought with anyone the way I did my pixie-faced little girl that year. I felt quite often that I was failing her as a parent because I was spread so thin and all I wanted to do was lay down in my room and sleep like the dead for a few decades. There was no way she could understand what I was going through and I couldn’t expect her to. Not that it made my life any easier or her to deal with, of course.

There is something to be said for older kids in times of difficulty. Sure they are prone to drama or utter silliness, but at least for the most part, you can reason with them. Since they were babies, I could not wait for my kids to get to the point where I could use logic to influence their behavior. When logic works with small kids, it’s like getting exactly what you wanted for Christmas. I have finally (mostly) hit that point with R. and getting her prepared for this deployment was far easier than I had expected. I was finally able to explain to her what I would be going through (more or less) and what my vast responsibilities were throughout this and she was also able to recognize that when she helps me, I’m less on edge and we tend to have more fun together and I can be the affectionate parent she needs. You have to love those “Eureka!” moments.

Over the weekend, I was sure I was coming down with the kid plague (I started to have chills and aches and a tickle in my throat–I’m still not sure I’m out of the woods) and I warned her that 1.) we were going to finish our chores ASAP while I felt relatively ok; and  2.) that I was going to rest for a while after we were done so I could hopefully stop getting sick. To her credit, R. cleaned her bathroom, her bedroom, helped with the laundry and dogs, and played with Monkey to keep him out of my hair so I could finish things up around the house—all with little to no nudging on my part. She even made me a “Get Well Soon” card. So in return for her help we had her favorite meal (tacos) and she and I watched a movie together in my room which both kids know is a treat. I felt a whole lot of relief that she was no longer an angry 4 year-old.

If these past several days are any indication, my girl has definitely grown up and I could not be more thankful. I set her up with her own email account a long time ago so she could contact her Dad whenever she wanted. Knowing how frustrating it was for her last time being unable to talk to him, I think it’s very important that she have some control over how she deals with this deployment and communication is really the only aspect available. And as I have been trying to get through to her the last few days, even communication isn’t easily controllable. Sure, she can write to him whenever she wants (which is the most important part), but he can not always reply quickly, and even if he’s online he can’t always chat with her. That is a lesson that is going to take time to really understand. I’m still getting used to it myself. She is on the same path I was on that first deployment: never far from a computer and always hoping he’ll be there. Having those moments of connecting with someone so far away is like a drug. And those random moments of successful communication are the greatest positive reinforcements ever—like playing a slot machine. Sometimes you win big, so you keep trying. Computer use is still somewhat novel for her, so on top of having a very good reason to use it, I can see the addiction starting. I’m trying to curb that in her, but I’m not the best example either of moderation. My computer is always on and I’m not far from it unless I have to be. I use it for work though too, so I have an excuse, but I also just enjoy it.

I’m sure R. and I will butt heads throughout this deployment—she is a master button-pusher after all—but I have faith in her ability to be a good kid and to look out for me sometimes too. I couldn’t ask for a better partner in crime throughout this deployment, really. You can’t underestimate the power of a shared experience like this and as difficult as it could be for us, I know she and I will come out on the other side with a greater appreciation for each other.

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