Battle of Midway

Well this is just embarrassing. I wish I could chalk this long lapse in writing up to simply falling off the wagon, but really what happened was that the wagon was nuked. Obliterated. Vaporized. Went supernova. Michael Bay was knocking down my door trying to get the secret to the power behind the explosive destruction of my wagon for use in Transformers 3, it was so spectacular. So, not only did the writing here stop (I was writing elsewhere when I could though), but the weight loss momentum came to an abrupt halt, the exercising habit vanished, and much of the freelance work I had on my plate was piling up at an alarming rate. Amazingly, the only habit I was able to maintain was not biting my nails, which considering I’ve been a nail-biter my whole life is a minor miracle. I like to refer to this time as “The Battle of Midway” and if I had really learned my lesson last time, I should have seen it coming, but I broke my own prime directive: pay attention. I just didn’t realize what time it was.

April & May were roughly the mid-point of this deployment. Last deployment, I had a pretty good meltdown about six months into it which lead to a turn around in short order (I hired a friend to help me out once a week). I can’t claim that I had a breakdown this time because generally I have things in hand and ask for help when I need it, but I definitely hit a wall. Repeatedly and with vigor. There just comes a point when you get mentally burned out from doing the smallest of repetitive tasks like loading and unloading the dishwasher, rotating laundry, making lunches, food shopping. You think, “If I have to do this one more effin’ time, I’m going to toss out my Acme portable hole, jump down, and pull it in after me.” I remember last time being so sick of hearing “Mommy!” a million times a day that I required 4-year-old R to call me by my first name for a week just so I could hear something different. It hasn’t come to that (yet), thankfully, but we have definitely hit our speed bumps along the way. I just wasn’t in the frame of mind to be positive here and resorted to the “if you have nothing nice to say, say nothing at all” adage.  Plus, I thought sleep might be an important experience to have.

Probably the biggest monkey wrench in my well-oiled machine was the death of my laptop not once, not twice, but three times in 6 weeks until it finally required a logic board replacement (thankfully all covered under a warranty!! Let’s hear it for Apple Care!). And for some inexplicable reason, two of the breakdowns happened while watching my favorite new show, Justified and trying to get some work done. Seriously. The third time happened the night before Justified. Maybe my poor laptop was just jealous of the time I was spending admiring Timothy Olyphant (perhaps I’ll put that re-watch of Deadwood on hold…), or maybe it was protesting the idea of working late at night. Who knows? All I do know is that the only original part of my laptop left is the (slightly dented and dog-hairy) case. I don’t know how many of you have ever had to rebuild a computer the way you like it after a near-catastrophic data loss (luckily, I only lost 6 weeks of files), but it can take a while—especially if you are trying to make it organized in all the ways you couldn’t be bothered to do with your last set up. The first time the hard drive bit it, I approached the situation with the optimism a clean slate can bring, but the two times after? Not an ounce of optimism to be had. Needless to say, all my work fell behind and I’ve been playing catch up while still taking on new work. Doesn’t leave much time for anything else, frankly.

Throughout all the computer shenanigans, I was continuing to deal with the daily grind of kid and dog stuff, keep the house clean during shedding season (why Casey and Zoe can’t coordinate their shedding schedules is beyond me—their tandem shedding is hardly efficient), plan and slog through an acre’s worth of yard work (that I’m wholly unqualified to attempt) and garden planning, maintain all my other relationships both long and short distance (with varying degrees of success), and I realized the time had come to start working toward my long-term career goals now that Monkey will be in school full time come Fall. Needless to say, my to do lists had to do lists. I’m not sure “tired” really describes what I have been feeling the last several weeks. Daunted, overwhelmed, weary, all of the above? Mental doggie paddling is now my particular super hero ability, and I would gladly trade in for invisibility or telekinesis.

I can’t say that I’m caught up or remotely ahead, but I’ve made some headway, and now it’s definitely time to shake off the funk of the last couple of months, readjust my thinking, and rebuild all those habits that went up in smoke, which include writing here more often. Tomorrow is the start of a new year for me. For my 39th birthday I’m giving myself a shiny new (hopefully bomb-resistant) wagon with enough space to allow myself some slack now and again when things don’t go as planned. If I’m lucky enough to be several years short of my mid-life, I think now would be the perfect time to put to use what I’ve learned over the last 39 years before the next 39 years go by in another blink.

To quote Betty Friedan:
“Aging is not lost youth but a new stage of opportunity and strength.”

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Signs of Spring

I feel like I’m always making excuses about why I’m not writing here more often even though I have so many things I want to write about. That’s actually part of the problem. I have so much going on in my head it’s hard to know where to start or what to say or how much to share. There’s a lot to sort out…much like cleaning up after a hoarder who’s been at it for 39 years. Piles upon piles of feelings and memories and treasures buried under old wrappers and useless trivia. Sometimes I think I need a dumpster on site constantly with daily scheduled pick ups. So, while I figure out what I want to say next, I thought I would share my favorite signs of spring around here.

When we get a good rain, the fields out back flood into wading pools (you can see pictures of the ducks who frequent the mini-ponds here). At that point two things happen. First, Monkey begins his treks out to splash around in the water, which he’ll do for over an hour easily.

The second sign happens after the April showers: the arrival of tiny flowers that, ironically, look like little patches of snow when seen from far away. When we’ve had a particularly wet Winter and early Spring, the whole back field is full of them, and if you didn’t know better would think they were, in fact super slow-melting snow.

Up close, they are bunches of delicate, little, flowers of the palest lavender with sunny yellow centers. I always have the urge to lay down amongst them and watch the clouds for hours on end. I might do just that if I weren’t such a complete stick-in-the-mud and could move beyond the idea of getting thoroughly soaked because they only bloom in the soggy marsh-like earth. I hate being wet though and my inherent lameness always seems to win out.

For now, I’m grateful for the longer, brighter, warmer days (even though it means less quiet alone time at night for me), Monkey’s joy at being outside every chance he gets, and the happy (and incredibly lazy) dogs basking in the sun on the driveway blacktop or lounging under the shade of the blossoming apple trees. This is one of my favorite times of year when nothing is extreme, (except for the amount of Zoe’s winter coat flying off her like bits of fluff coming out of a well-loved stuffed animal), but everything I can spy with my little eye grows more beautiful with each passing day.

Not too much longer and I’ll be back again on a regular basis. This kind of absence is fairly cyclical with me as you’ll figure out if you haven’t already. With the better weather comes more attention to the kids and the house and less time in front of my computer (no, really). Like the transition from Winter to Spring, my own transition is a bit tempestuous but will eventually settle into something better than what it was.

In the meantime, I leave you with my favorite naked tree in the early stages of becoming less naked (and in my opinion, somewhat less interesting).

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Coming up for air

Did I mention that traditionally February kicks my ass? Sheesh. Sorry for the long break! The last few weeks have been the perfect storm of Winter blahs, kid wrangling, and freelancing mayhem. I had three jobs come together all at once (which I usually try to avoid like a trip to Chuck E. Cheese) and so very few kid free hours to do them in (I do need to sleep after all). Pretty much everything non-essential got shoved over so I could attempt to make a living along with, you know, living. So, I apologize. The good news is that I’ve been keeping a list of all the things I want to catch up on here and it’s kinda lengthy (some even have pictures to go along with them!). The bad news is that I am still in the midst of working so it’s going to be just a little longer. When it rains, it pours as they say. At least the Winter blahs seem to be abating with some really gorgeous early Spring weather. My favorite!

Just to update you on K’s status, training is over and he has made it to Afghanistan safely—I heard from him yesterday morning. It was just a quick email to let me know his internet connection was spotty at the moment but as soon as he could, he’d email again. I am guessing it’s going to take about a month for us to get into some sort of communication groove. He’s got to get settled into his new “home” and build a rhythm with his job, plus, you know those bad guys are going to be active with the break from Winter, so my expectations are low for how often we’ll hear from K this early on.

In the meantime, I juggle. I don’t feel quite as overwhelmed as I did just over a week ago, but I’ve still got a lot to finish up before I can sit down and write the way I want. It’s coming though! I have all kinds of things in my head just waiting to make it to the screen. Won’t be long, I promise!

Thanks for your patience!!

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What’s knocking around my noggin

I wish I could bottle whatever it was that made me so productive the last few days because it was a beautiful thing. Not only did I get several tasks accomplished and crossed off my list that normally would sit there undone for days, but I was able to think—and finish—several thoughts which is damn near unheard of around here in the land of chatty children. On Sunday, R. and I cleaned the house. I cleaned things I haven’t looked at since we moved in almost 2 years ago. Cleaning that much is not my normal routine. I do function better in a clean house so I try to keep it that way, but Sunday’s cleaning was a bit excessive even for me. I guess I needed to keep my hands busy so my brain could do its thing. I don’t think I’ve ever been more grateful for Clorox Wipes and orange cleaner.

Many things worked their way through my noggin as I scrubbed the stove and oven—some short story ideas that my never see the light of day, design ideas for a couple of jobs I’m doing—but chief among them was how to approach things here at Gainfully Deployed as we get deeper into this journey. My goals for writing this are to be honest about what goes on at home during a deployment and find the positive at the end of the day. While I have no intention of lying, I am not sure how forthcoming I want to be in a public forum like this either. Every life has its ups and downs and every relationship has one issue or another, but I think those problems are exacerbated and a whole set of new problems arise by being part of the military. It’s that part I want to get across to people who may not really understand or have even thought about it, plus I want to get past them myself with a fair amount of grace, and writing is what helps me work through problems. I think finding the balance between enlightening and TMI is going to be tricky though.  I value my privacy very much, but I also want to dissuade people of the notion that everything is right with the world again when a soldier returns home. If that were the case, I would not bother writing this blog because there would be nothing to learn.

Some days I resent this life attached to the military and other days I’m grateful for it. Nothing is purely good or evil and this is no different. I, personally, don’t enjoy living contradictions, but it seems that this time in my life is chock full of them, and reconciling everything in a positive light takes work and a whole lot of diligence. Being apart during a deployment changes everyone involved and when you come back together you have to hope that the new people you have become can at the very least peacefully co-exist with the intent to grow together in the future. I can tell you from past experience that the coming back together is the hardest part of any deployment, and I would be lying if I didn’t say it is the part that concerns me the most in all this. We still haven’t finished adjusting from K’s return from Iraq 4 years ago, and from talking to my friends from that time, I know we are not the only ones.

So why is all of this on my mind now when the deployment is just starting? K. is due home later this week and even though he’s only been gone a few weeks, there is still a mini-adjustment we have to go through on top of keeping the momentum of our new routine for when he is gone. He’ll only be home for a short time before leaving again and as much as I’m glad he gets to be with us even for a little while, I find these stops and starts difficult. If he were going to be home on leave and not have to work, or even if he were coming home and not leaving again, I might feel differently, but he’s going to be very busy with final preparations for his unit and not really available to help the way he normally would. It’s tougher on the kids than it is for me because I can control my expectations somewhat better, but these in-between times are just not normal. I know all of this leans on the negative side of things, but it’s really just background information. Putting life in context, so to speak.

Today is today though, and I’m going to enjoy the sunny, crisp, Fall day. I’m going to take Monkey to his OT session and have a chai at the cafe downstairs and relax for a change. I might work on those short stories or I might bring my colored pencils and do some drawing. When Monkey heads to school this afternoon, I’m going to focus and plow through some work that’s been on my plate for a while and then I’m going to help the kids with their homework when they get home and then I’m going to enjoy a quiet night with my dogs and sleep well. You really can’t ask for more than that.

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Cold, frosty one

Oh, how I wish I were talking about a beer. Sadly, not. I woke up this morning to frost on the pumpkins…and the grass and the turned over garden and my car. Winter is walking around way too early this year. I’m not a huge fan of Winter to start with, so having the heat turn on and the frost gilding the leaves is just…too soon. It’s bad enough that I’m nesting because K. is leaving, but now I feel like hibernating too. I was hoping to have a few mild days here and there before the snow drifts in, but there’s already chances of snow for the rest of the week. It’s not right, but at least it is pretty.

So, what do I do to ignore the injustices of Mother Nature? I clean of course! Actually today is “Chore Day” so that I can have time over the weekend for other and more scintillating things to do besides vacuum and fold laundry. You noticed that “chore” and “bore” and “snore” rhyme, right? Well, I had a productive day in spite of the cold and the mundane. The house is vacuumed and dusted and de-doggie haired, the laundry is done and put away, the dishes clean, the bathrooms sparkling, and the garbage gone. Tomorrow is fun with foodshopping. Exciting!

I did have some fun though to balance the work and finished up the 8th Sookie Stackhouse book and am going to embark on the latest book in the series and will be all caught up at that point. Can’t wait. Getting into these fits of obsessive reading makes me feel like a kid again. I read constantly growing up. I really only took a break to get the kids through their infant and toddler phases and now I have more time to read again. It is such a joy too. I hadn’t realized how dumb I was starting to feel all those years of not reading. And it’s no coincidence that my increased reading appetite and my renewed love of writing happened at about the same time. Greasing the wheels is always a good thing to do.

Right now the kids are bathed and asleep and I’m drinking tea and snuggling up with my youngest pooch, Zoe (named after Zoe from Firefly). She’s the best foot warmer in town and she had a busy day of chasing squirrels and wrestling with her big furry brother, CaseyJones outside in the crisp Fall day. She loves to be out in the cold when she’s not passed out asleep somewhere or stealing my shoes to pass out on top of. K. is away again tonight (he was last night too), staying over at the armory deep in the packing phase of preparations. He’s pretty swamped with getting last minute things squared away for the guys and himself, and honestly, I’d rather he stay there and get his work done than come home and be mentally elsewhere.

K.’s gear packed up in the barn a couple of weeks ago. GI Joe would sell his Kung Fu grip for all the stuff K. has stashed away in there!

The closer he gets to leaving, the weirder things get between us. I’m no stranger to being alone with the kids and the three of us have built a regular “Daddy’s not here” routine over the years and we seem to be able to slide right into it with little effort now. It is not that K. isn’t missed, it’s just a necessary evil to this life. I’m thinking it’s better we are a self sufficient little subset of the family than a needy mess. Still though, I think it’s hard for him sometimes to hear that we are fine without him and I’m never quite sure how to deal with that. It’s not easy to balance keeping him involved and letting him go at the same time. I try not to make him feel like I’m shoving him out the door, but I’m not perfect by a long shot and I get single-minded in my preparations and my sensitivity goes right out the door. This Army life that separates families so regularly can be so complicated and contradictory. It puts couples in awkward situations constantly and it’s quite the workout to remember that you are supposed to be one unit when you are always thinking and functioning separately. It is especially awkward when you are not actually separate quite yet. After all these years together though, I think we are more forgiving if not accepting of this mindset. I really don’t mind that he is away unscheduled this week to get his stuff in order. We have to get used to him being gone again anyway. He needs to be clear-headed so he can be safe and come home again. There’s always some trade-off. You just always have to keep that in mind.

And now I’m going to go cap off this quiet night with some more reading and a whole lot of sleep and look forward to the weekend ahead when K. is home with us.

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Done and doner

K. is back to work today after just over a week off. He’s got 2 weeks left now before the fun really begins. We’ve had our weekend away and he got to be home for Monkey’s birthday–two things that we weren’t sure were going to happen if his training schedule had gone the way we thought it would. For once Army Shenanigans worked in our favor. I was afraid our combined addictions were going to foil us in the preparations area–me with the Sookie Stackhouse novels and he with his new Civilization game–but we pulled off a fairly good goofing off to productivity ratio.

As I mentioned, I did get my desk(s) organized and I set up a laptop for the kids to use to email their Dad while he’s away (no grubby fingerprints on my computer, thank you very much!). I cleaned up my closet for a change too. I spent Sunday going through piles of paper and old bills and tossed a grove of trees worth of paper and filed the rest. I’m paper pile free for the moment and with a fair amount of self discipline I might keep the piles away all together. Ha! Right. Going through a year’s worth of paid bills only took me a half a day–that’s not too bad, right? I do all the bill paying and I am the one responsible for the accumulation and I know I do this, but at least once a year, the pile gets to that point where it falls over with just a thought of looking at it so I just toss more on the pile and look away and shut the door that hides it. It’s a filing system that works though–everything is definitely in one place.

Yesterday was a beautiful, warm Fall day, so I spent part of it outside clearing out the garden and turning over all the soil for next year. I have more to do out there, but for now, it’s in a good place in case I just don’t get to it again until spring. Now we just have to call for a fall leaf clean up and I’ll be set. K. took down the large screen tent I put up back in the Spring on the back deck and put away all the summer lawn furniture. I was sorry to see it go, but happy to get more light in the kitchen now that the green structure was gone. The light is getting short enough as it is and I’d like to be able to see what is there. Plus, I have no doubt the screen tent wouldn’t last the winter and I am not inclined to deal with a broken tent in 6 feet of snow (that’s a conservative estimate). I am happy to be able to enjoy the view of my big back yard again. I also did a quick round of dog poop pick up in the yard, but I have to say, I didn’t mind. First, it wasn’t so hot out that anything smelled. Secondly, there just wasn’t much there. Since the dogs are on the best food they could be on, the stuff disintegrates pretty quick when left for the elements to deal with. It’s just one of the many perks of a raw diet for dogs.

I also finally finished a painting I’ve been working on in my water color class for 2 semesters (of 8 weeks each).  Here’s a sneak preview:

I am extra super slow and ridiculously hesitant, but I was so close and I want to move on at class tonight, so finish it I did. I put my headphones on and listened to book 6 of the Sookie series and just wrapped it right up. I work so much better when my brain is occupied with music or books. I think it came out pretty good for a newbie painter and I just need to go mat and frame it after I add a few minor details and it’ll be complete. I’ll get to that this weekend though and then I can finally give it over to Mom (who, like any good Mom, enjoys doodles from her kids) for her Mother’s Day/Birthday present combo only about 5 months late. I’m horrible with giving gifts on time. Sometimes I wish I could just give thoughts, because I have those early. Now that I’m done with this painting though, I plan on writing up the experience on my other blog for my business. I definitely learned quite a bit including patience for myself which should come in handy this year.

I think there were some other small projects I finished, but my brain has now moved on to future projects, so I’m blanking on what they were. As I mentioned before, I’m at that point of moving forward and planning all the time. Hopefully by the time the end of the month rolls around, I’ll have wrapped up a lot of these little things. Snow will be upon us soon enough, and I want to make sure we’re ready. I’m hoping we’ll have several good weekends to wrap up some of the outdoor things and weather proofing. It’s almost time to hibernate.

All in all, it was a nicely balanced week. I’m hoping to continue the trend for this week. We’ve got a few projects that are probably going to take me more than a day that I want to start chipping away at and then when they are done, I can just work on maintenance around here and not have big things hanging over my head. I look forward to that sense of accomplishment and having the option to feel like I can relax (although, in reality, I’m not much good at relaxing for long).Winters here are long and with K. away, I’ll have enough on my plate without my OCD-lite nagging at me to deal with these projects.

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Death of a thousand stupidities

I managed to have “one of those weeks” lite. Well, the week technically isn’t over, so I’m hoping it stays “lite” and doesn’t enter the realm of “to the extreme.” So, yes, my life is something like a line of power drinks! Who knew? K. was home all week (although he’s away visiting friends and family one more time before he ships out) and somehow managed to avoid getting sucked into my stupidity vortex, lucky Teflon-coated bastard. And the kids and dogs were spared as well which no doubt has kept me sane. I’m guessing that this week was a bit like a pop quiz to see how I handle the bumps on my own. I aced it. Handled everything quickly and efficiently and was pleased to see that the people I needed to help me (super nice certified Apple repair guy and wicked fast AAA battery charger guy) were on the ball. So, my broken power cord was replaced in less than 24 hours which meant I got to finish a job I was working on, and the battery on my car (which died because I left the keys in the ignition after I had ejected all the CDs in the player…duh) was recharged within 20 minutes of me calling so that I was still able to get the bulk of my errands done before the kids got home from school. Phew. You have to love when an irritating series of events wraps up so nicely.

Like I said, this week felt like a test and it was a good reminder for me to have all my ducks in a row and remember to keep a level head when things go off course. I did get part of my emergency contact chain put together. Still need to line up the rest of the A-Team, but that should be done next week. I’ve pretty much decided that I’m not going to rely on just one person to be my back up. I’m going to have an entourage and spread the wealth so no one person is shouldering my burden. Our good friend V. who is in the Army with K. is going to be my primary “in case of emergency” contact if something happens to me because he can run through the channels quickly to get K. home. I’ve got two sitters lined up so far and a couple more I need to interview soon. I figure if I have a few to draw from, I should be good and no one will be tired out or hate the kids. I just need to put someone in charge of the dogs if I’m not able to be there for them and I’ll be all set. Oh, and I need an electrician and fix-it person on file.  I’ve got the plumber, the lawn guy, the ever-important snow removal guy, and myself for those small DIY jobs that I’ve been doing for years. Operation Safety Net is almost ready.

Part of why I had a flaky few days is that I’ve reached that point in the pre-deployment wind up where my brain is in planning mode non-stop and my focus tends to scatter at this point. Not that I could help the broken power cord, but I knew it was going and could have taken care of it ahead of time. Lesson learned. I have several areas around the house I am hoping to get organized before K. leaves and those projects are either sitting out as a reminder, or they are jumping out at me every time I look in their directions. Some can wait, and some just cannot. Having our finances in order is not something I can let go for long but getting them squared away takes a huge block of time that I don’t have, won’t have, and haven’t had thus far. So stuff like that is taking up space in my head and causing me to leave my keys in the car and forgetting to fill out paperwork for school. It’s times like these I often wish I could be like CaseyJones, my dog. Whenever he gets…overloaded I guess is the right word, he shakes off from head to tail and then is righted again. I can just see it in him. He’s able to focus and listen after he shakes off. I am crazy jealous of that ability. I’ve been wanting a mental shake off forever, but now more than ever.

In lieu of a shake off though, I did my best to balance the week out with as many good things as I could. I reorganized my work desk and the desk in Monkey’s room that I use to put together the pre-teaching projects I do with him. I finished one paid job and began planning another. I read two Sookie Stackhouse novels in 2 days. They are fun books and quick reads (obviously!) and I haven’t read this much in years so that makes me infinitely happy. I made enough progress on a painting I started months ago that I’m almost done and my teacher helped me figure out the technique for one tricky spot. Yesterday B. and I took the kids to the playground and had a great time talking while the kids ran around like kids do, and Monkey claimed the major climbing structure as his castle and attempted to direct his vassals up and down the slide. It’s a good thing he’s a benevolent King, because none of his subjects listened to him. No be-headings yesterday! And last night while K. was away, I had a quiet night with CaseyJones and Zoe who love to snuggle on the bed with me any time K. is not around. Puppy-warmed feet when it’s cold outside are right up there with a smooth week and a lack of self-inflicted stupidity.

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