I like to move it move it

February is like that one piece of clothing you have that on the hanger looks great and you can’t wait to wear it, but when you do put it on, it pulls funny in the armpit or is a little too short in the leg and makes you fidget all day, or the color doesn’t actually match anything else you have, or there’s a stain in a most embarrassing location that you forgot about and didn’t notice until you left the house. So you sigh wistfully as you put it back in your closet and hope that next year maybe it’ll magically be perfect. It never will be though and should be cut up and made into something crafty like a bow tie for your snowman or a remote control cozy instead. Apologies to all my friends and family born in February, but I can’t stand this month. It’s short, which should be a plus, but it feels longer than all of summer put together. I say we break it up and distribute those days to the months that need it. Like May, August, September and December. Who’s with me?!

Like clockwork, around the middle of February, my self-diagnosed seasonal affective disorder reaches it apex and everything catches up with me until I consider making sacrifices to whatever higher being will turn me into a real bear and let me hibernate. Where are those Disney Animators when you need them?! So between the distinct lack of division of labor in my house, the constant cold weather and still early dark, on top of a couple of freelance projects running simultaneously, I pretty much retreated to my room avoiding everything that could be avoided without tragic consequences and mentally scrambled to figure out where my priorities ran off to. For those of you who know me personally, you’ll understand what place I was in when you see my work area for the week.

I’m not a messy person at all. I’m pretty much the opposite bordering on OCD. Ask my kids. I don’t function well in messes and it makes me itch to have piles and stuff in the way. I know plenty of people who are pretty happy and do well in their jobs surrounded by chaos. I’m not one of them… although as a kid I loved a good mess and was quite content to wallow in my room where no one could see my floor (which given it was green and white linoleum with a maroonish carpet remnant over part of it, no one was missing out either). Not any more though. I might be related to the Anal Retentive Chef, in fact. So that picture up there of my “desk” is a clear indicator of just how scattered and out of balance I was the last week. The rest of the house (minus the kid’s rooms which mimic flea markets on crack) wasn’t that bad, thankfully—it was neat enough, but covered with a fine layer of dust, dog hair, Monkey’s favorite “crabby patty” cracker crumbs, and ice melt from the front walk. Normally, since Monkey is allergic to the universe, I clean the house top to bottom every week to keep him comfortable and me sane, but even that fell apart. The universe became an icky place.

Some light snow covered up the outside ick for a day or two, and given how unusually little snow we’ve had this season, the first thing I did was crawl out of my head and put some snowshoes on Monkey and me and escaped for a little while before he had to leave for the afternoon. Monkey required we go visit the two closest pine trees in the field behind us to give them a hug. I guess they looked cold and lonely.

Then we wandered out a little farther toward the wood line where Monkey picked out a different tree for cutting down (lest you think he is an actual tree hugger).

He, at least, has some balance to him. He made snow angels and I made a little snowman and then it was time to head back into the House of Yuck.

Being out in the clean, pristine, blank paper-like snow gave my brain the kick-start it needed to move out of my mental rut.

When things get off-kilter for me like that, I tend to mentally stand still like the proverbial deer in the headlights trying to figure out what to do next. But instead of fright or flight, I eventually experience purge or rearrange. Takes me a couple of days to get there, but inevitably a mock spring cleaning is what breaks me out of this. Normally K is around to humor me and help me lift heavy objects, but, this time, I not only don’t have the manual labor at my disposal, but I’m debating how much I should do. It’s still early in the deployment and I get this way pretty regularly. I had told K that I wouldn’t do too much changing of things around the house (even though he and I are both notorious for moving the furniture around quarterly) because I always felt sort of bad for the soldiers who would come home with a certain picture in their minds of home and walk into something significantly different. I can warn him and send pictures, but it’s different than being part of the process. So, what and how much to do and where to start?

R’s room is safest because K doesn’t go in there much anyway, so it won’t be so shocking to redo, and is probably most in need of change because her furniture is really for younger kids and not helping her keep things mostly in order (as required by her evil mother overlord). I know she’s young and her genes are fulfilling their sloppy kid destiny, but I don’t see how giving her the right tools to self-organize can be a bad thing. She needs a new desk, a bookcase, mirror, and either under bed or some other storage. I’ve already hit a couple of thrift stores in the area with no success, but will have to go back again and visit a couple more as well as a local antique store I’ve been wanting to poke around in. I want to keep the cost down of course, but I’d like her to have some interesting pieces that reflect what an interesting kid she is. She has some wacky taste far afield from my own, but I figure if we start with conservative pieces and the potential for embellishments, that should work for both of us.

Of course, it is almost impossible to change one room without starting a chain reaction or three. I could simply and cheaply repurpose furniture we already have throughout the house into hers and the furniture she’s not using can go elsewhere. I can start with my desk that is currently in our living room and give her that. I’m not using it much these days and it’s a good size that can hold storage drawers under it. Plus, I can repaint it whatever crazy-ass colors she wants. Moving that desk would leave a gaping hole at one end of our living room though. Unfortunately, that particular part of the room is sort of odd. It’s like the one kid who is always at the party but not really participating but watching what everyone else is doing. We’ve tried to give it various uses–reading area, work/arts area, books only area–nothing really seems to mesh with the rest of the room. I just can’t come up with the right combination. Our living room is huge but the bulk of the furniture centers around the fireplace. This extra area is kind of dead space with a couple of bookcases, my desk, and two doorways that break it up effectively into a corner, but where it is part of the living area, I want it to fit in better. I just don’t know what to do with it. I do know that I can’t work well there because it’s too close to the kitchen and I tend to snack when I get stuck or bored.

If I give R my desk, that means I have to move my work and art supplies somewhere—more than likely that means the Harry Potter-sized closet under the stairs where we keep the cleaning things and miscellaneous Other Stuff (like the Nerf machine guns). I’ve thought about converting that walk-in closet into an office, actually, but I’m not there quite yet (I mean, if a small, fictional boy can sleep in a closet, I can certainly work in one). Either way, if I ditch my living room work space, I’m going to have to reorganize the closet to fit all my office paraphernalia which means more shuffling and/or money spending. Where I prefer to work is in my bedroom. There’s a little alcove in it that you can’t see when you walk into the room and it’s the perfect place to hide out and not be in the middle of crazy kids. My room is sunny, warm, has a beautiful view of the back yard, and is down a hall from the other rooms upstairs. It’s my favorite place in the house. Problem is that it is small (smallest bedroom in the house). It’s got a queen bed, long bureau, two night stands, two dog beds (which I refuse to relocate, so don’t even bother suggesting that as an option), an arm chair and a small two-shelf book case. No room at the inn for a desk or anything else. At this point, I’ve gone from having a home office to actively looking into downsizing to a lap desk. It beats the card table and cookie cooling rack I’ve been using recently. Ah…so many decisions, so much online purchasing research!

What would be ideal is if K were here to either talk me down and point out that what I really need to be doing is working and not mentally playing move the space with our furnishings, or grab an end of the desk and help me move some shit around. Either would be fine. No one else is vested in my decorative maneuverings and I cannot trust the opinion of a 9-year-old girl with visions of shiny new(ish) items to call her own(ish). Today, though, life is not ideal, and like other women in my situation, the decision is ultimately mine to make and execute and hope that my changes will work for K too when he comes home. I could use less February, some more snow for my snow shoes, a babysitter, and a notebook, but I’ll take a good night’s sleep, a shower, some completed freelance work, and an afternoon field trip to see movie props from my favorite former closet-dweller and wizard extraordinaire, Harry Potter. Some distance and a little magic should ultimately do the trick.

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Acronym of the Day

Welcome to Military Jargon 101.

Today’s acronym, OPSEC, stands for “Operation Security.” I’m guessing you all have a pretty good idea what that means without me going into detail. The closer we get to K reaching his deployment destination, the more important it is to not give out a whole lot of…well, any…specific information (on those extremely rare occasions I even have it). Around here, OPSEC means that I will not be breaking news via this blog. If something important happens either to K, Uncle Fungus, or any other member of their company, family and close friends will be alerted in person first before I post something here—if I post anything at all. It also means that even if I do know something specific about what K is doing, it will be told after the fact and only with permission. While I seriously doubt terrorists are lurking around my little corner of the blogosphere, I don’t want to get K in trouble with his commander and I would prefer not to take chances. So, you are more than welcome to ask questions, but I cannot guarantee that I will be able to answer them or answer them in a timely manner, but ask anyway because it might be something interesting.

My own mission, of course, is to share my experiences here at home and hopefully enlighten and help others either understand this lifestyle (if you can call it that) or get through their own deployment. That said, I’m practicing a lite version of OPSEC myself. You’ve noticed I don’t use full names around here. That is because there are way too many crazies out there and many of them would love to try to take advantage of a family not at full strength or potentially vulnerable. Soldier’s families are not exempt. Specific locations of where any of us are will generally not be given out. I want to protect my kids as best I can even though this is a public blog so whatever measures I can take, I will. Just to warn you, there may be times when I edit comments to keep specific info off the site. And there you have the Gainfully Deployed OPSEC rules and regulations.

I told everyone I would be writing up some info about the current (and general) situation in Afghanistan that K will be walking into and I still plan on doing that. In the meantime, if anyone else is interested in researching on their own, one of the sites K recommended is Small Wars Journal. He also suggests reading up at at the BBC’s site as well as the New York Times (FYI: there may be articles you have to register at the site to read). If you’d like to read blogs by soldiers in the field (or their family members), Milblogging lists many such blogs (including mine). I welcome any other suggestions from people who have found sources that are reliable and informative and not prone to sensationalism. Tall order, I know.

Finally, you’ll see a badge over in the right-hand column linking to the Gainfully Deployed fan page on Facebook. If you haven’t already, but would like to, please join. That is where I’ll be posting my links on Facebook to new posts moving forward and I will probably post links to other sites of interest there as well. The fan page is public, but my Facebook profile is not, so please keep my own OPSEC rules in mind when commenting on Gainfully Deployed’s fan page.

That’s all the adminning I have at this time. If you see me inadvertently breaking my own OPSEC rules, do not hesitate to point that out. I am inherently tired and sometimes let things slip even when I have the best of intentions. Thanks so much!

And now, time for a snow day. Maybe we’ll even get snow.

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Love and War

Probably one of the happiest days of my youth was when I found out that I didn’t have to celebrate or even acknowledge The-Fake-&-Smarmy-Holiday-That-Shall-Not-Be-Named. This was long before K was in my life, so it has nothing to do with any missteps on either of our parts. In fact, when I told him he was permanently off the hook for that particular day, a happier man you’ve never seen. I suspect that was one of the reasons we’re together. Ironic, no?

Over the years when I have told people what I celebrate instead of St. Valentine’s Day Massacre, the reactions run the gamut from confusion and disbelief to high-fives. I didn’t choose to celebrate this event just to thumb my nose at the marketing machine that has turned people into love-struck loonies with expectations that defy rational thought—that was just an added benefit. I chose this particular anniversary because the man it honors embodies so many of the qualities I admire in humans. So without further ado, I wish you all a very Happy Winfield Scott Hancock’s 186th Birthday!

Since I was in middle school, I have been a student of the Civil War. I’ve always found that war to be the most fascinating and heart-wrenching conflict and I used to spend a fair amount of my time reading about it, going to lectures, and visiting battlefields. I suspect my great attachment to soldiers was born during these years. And now as a wife of a soldier, I have a greater appreciation for what soldier’s families must have gone through. We have it so much better today with our cell phones and the internet. Everything is as immediate as it possibly could be for how geographically separate we are. For so many centuries, communication between soldiers and their families was all but non-existent. Sometimes the only way they knew their loved one was dead was because he simply didn’t come home again. I know how good I have it and I never take it for granted. This life is not easy, but it certainly could be a hell of a lot worse and I believe that people need to keep that in mind as they bitch and moan about so many of the hardships we deal with. But I digress…

Who is Winfield Scott Hancock?

General Hancock was born February 14, 1824 in Norristown, PA. Hancock served as a young lieutenant under his namesake, General Winfield Scott during the Mexican War in 1847. He remained career Army and served in Missouri (where he met his wife Almira), Florida during the Seminole wars, and California just as the Civil War broke out . He was the father of a son and a daughter, both of whom predeceased him. He was also a closet artist, amature scientist and botanist, wrote the occasional poem, and swore with vigor and colorful turn of phrase. General Hancock rose to fame and glory during the American Civil War fighting for the Union commanding the 2nd Corps. He was nicknamed “Hancock the Superb” for his courage, composure, and effectiveness during battle. He was wounded at Gettysburg while urging his men from horseback to hold their lines during Pickett’s infamous charge. He turned down the offer to Command the Army of the Potomac and remained 2nd Corps Commander until his wound forced him to give up field command toward the end of the war. Here is what General Ulysses S. Grant had to say about Winfield Scott Hancock:

“Hancock stands the most conspicuous figure of all the general officers who did not exercise a separate command.  He commanded a corps longer than any other one, and his name was never mentioned as having committed in battle a blunder for which he was responsible.  He was a man of very conspicuous personal appearance.  Tall, well-formed and, at the time of which I now write, young and fresh-looking, he presented an appearance which would have attracted the attention of an army as he passed.  His genial disposition made him friends, and his personal courage and his presence with his command in the thickest of the fight won for him the confidence of troops serving under him.  No matter how hard the fight, the 2d Corps always felt that their commander was looking after them.”

After the Civil War, Hancock remained in the Army and ran for President in 1880 losing in one of the closest presidential races ever to James Garfield. One of his last duties before his own death on Feb. 9, 1886 was to oversee the funeral for former General and President Grant. Hancock died penniless because he would often give former 2nd Corps veterans money if they came to him needing help. His wife wrote a book about his life to support herself in her later years (the first-edition copy I have is one of my prized possessions). Hancock led his life with integrity and his love and devotion for his fellow soldier and country is far more impressive than paper hearts and gooey chocolates. So if I’m going to have to pretend this day is about love, then I’d rather hold him up as an example of what it truly means to love something or someone than anything retail advertisers could come up with.

Now on to a quick update about my own soldier: I heard from K the other night and he is well but missing home already. Their training is moving along and he’s doing prep work for their mission that he’s anxious to get started doing. His internet right now is spotty, so I’m not sure how many updates we’ll have for a little while. Just wanted to let everyone know all is still well.

Enjoy your day whether you spend it eating conversation hearts, petting tigers (Happy Chinese New Year!), or saluting a soldier you love!

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Little things in February

Time for a “Little Things” post because my brain is at half speed this week. I’ve picked up some weird sleep cycle that has me up at really odd and early hours for no apparent good reason. Last night was better and I’m hoping it makes for a clear-headed and not so sleep deprived day of productivity. I could use one of those. So here are some little things from the last week that took the edge off of all the other little things that put me on edge in the first place.

• Monkey sleeps in a tent in his room and I let him because it works. He’s happy to get in his sleeping bag and zip up and he stays there all night. It’s been the best sleep aid we’ve ever used for a kid who traditionally does not sleep well at all. Truth be told, Monkey loves to make “tents” wherever he can. For a kid who spent his first few weeks in an incubator, I should not be surprised that he loves little confined spaces to sleep in. Last week, he made a tent out of couch cushions, the ottoman, and a couple of poncho-liners in the living room and slept in it all night. In fact, it was the best night’s sleep he has had in months. It was tough not to laugh and smile when he woke up the next morning rumpled and content as could be. We all should find something so simple to be happy about when we open our eyes each day.

• I regained my appreciation for the architecture in my home town Saturday morning as I walked along the oceanside cliffs near my parent’s house. Not having taken that walk in ages, I had forgotten my love for all the amazing Victorian cottages that line the path to the water. The more ostentatious summer dwellings I have never been that impressed with, but the simple, silvery wooden-shingled, cozy homes with their widow’s walks and wrap-around porches have always been high on my list of architectural beauty. My hometown is littered with examples of classic house design. When I was thinking about college and what I wanted to be, I considered going into architecture so that I could restore old homes to their original beauty, but at the time, cookie-cutter boxy developments were in vogue and I just couldn’t stomach putting in time working on anything like that, so I took a different path. But now, every time I walk by an old house with unique features and character you just don’t see any more, I get a pang in my chest for not going in that direction. Some day, when I build my alternate universe machine, I’m going to see where that path would have taken me. In the meantime, I’m bringing my camera with me next time I go for a walk around town.

• One of the reasons we went visiting last weekend was so that R could participate in a Greek dance event at the church I grew up going to. She just started learning and for only having tried it once or twice before, did not do badly at all. I learned to dance by going to weddings and larger church functions (back in the days when I wasn’t allowed to be the heathen I am today), but R isn’t growing up like I did. I think it’s wonderful that the opportunity for her to learn these traditions I took for granted while growing up is there even if I find the timing and location of the events somewhat inconvenient. But I try to accommodate because they are part of who we are. Being Greek and all that goes with it is a significant part of who I am, and I’d like to think that the more R learns about it, the more she might understand me, too, as she gets older and wiser, and maybe forgive some of the baggage that goes along with large Mediterranean families.

Getting back to the dance… The “big kids” in the group were technically very good and certainly earnest in their performance, but I was amused at how serious one of the boys was each time he was out on the dance floor. He obviously has talent, but was missing some of the looseness that comes from the feeling that makes you want to dance in the first place. For all of R’s missed cues and bad timing, she had that look of joy on her face that comes from letting go and enjoying the moment. If it weren’t for a very tired and cranky Monkey on my lap (it was his bedtime after all), I might have joined her.

• One of the things I miss the most when K is not around is the regular adult conversation. I don’t mean to imply that he and I talked to each other constantly without one small child or another interrupting, but the option to talk without having to explain a joke or big word was always there if we wanted or could take it. I don’t live close to most of my best friends, and sometimes online chat is the only way I get to be an equal and not just the hermit care-taker of ankle-biters. It’s not ideal, but I take what I can get. I don’t work in an office anymore and the majority of my time is spent with a kid who is a few years behind in speech. I am fluent in 3-year-old (and dog). But I miss witty banter and inside jokes and shared life experiences and especially commiseration conversations that you just can’t get from your kids no matter how smart and clever they are. These days, my good friend and former deployment buddy, H, comes over one night a week to be the co-adult in the house which gives my brain a break and is going to earn her a spot in heaven to be sure. Especially since she agrees to get make-overs from the 9-year-old fashion consultant living in my house… H knows the pitfalls of a deployment and to ask what it is I need before she offers something. I get to cook for another adult, too, which is probably toward the top of my list of favorite things to do. I am lucky to have her around. Taking my good fortune on the road this past Saturday, a goofy chat with D had me giggling and feeling like a kid and about 10 mental pounds lighter, and then I capped the night off with an evening out sans kids with my best friend, L, and our other good friend from high school, J. We talked about serious stuff, not so serious stuff, and enjoyed a plate of nachos and a beer (in my case) until the restaurant closed. The antisocial misanthrope in me always thinks I can get by on my own just fine, thank you very much, but then I am reminded that I really am a social animal and that my pack (or herd, or flock, or gaggle) is important to my mental well-being. I am privileged enough to have fantastic friends both on- and off-line to talk to and I really appreciate them all and don’t tell them often enough. They probably think I’m a bit strange and clingy these days, but that’s because they are my sanity in a world of cartoons, pretend play and preteen drama.

• It’s no secret I love the hell out of my dogs. I’m not shy about showing it, but I have good reason. While CaseyJones is my puppy soul-mate, Zoe has certainly earned a good sized chunk of my heart this week and earned her second mention in a “Little Things” post. Apart from her usual night time snuggle-fest where I take full advantage of her thick Winter coat to mimic an electric blanket, she has taken to watching out for the kids too. She always walks the kids as close to the bus as the electric fence will allow (even if she’s in the middle of eating her breakfast, which says quite a bit—she is a Lab after all), and she greets them with a lot of waggles and kisses when they get home. But the other day, she sat watching Monkey as he went “skating” on the ice patches just beyond the boundaries of our yard. She didn’t take her eyes off him until he headed back to the house with her trotting along side him. She always looks after the kids when they are out (I watch through the windows if I’m not out there with them) and I always know when they are up to something because she barks at them. Her help is unexpected but very much appreciated. I might just have to change her name to “Nana” like the dog in Peter Pan…

• While I’m very sorry my friends and family in the DC area are getting pummeled with snow storm upon snow storm, but I am grateful it’s not me this Winter. The last two winters have been long and we’ve tallied anywhere from 6-8+ feet of snow each season. The first week we lived here, we accumulated 3 feet of snow before I could unpack our boxes. So I thank you for suffering through the snow so I don’t have to. Maybe I’ll send you all some extra baklava this spring to make it up to you.

Finally, just to keep everyone up-to-date on K’s whereabouts, he’s still here in the US training. He and his unit have been out in the field for over a week now and I haven’t heard from him since they left their former training area for this new one. In all honesty, I’m not sure I’ll hear from him until he gets to his final destination. So, for now, no news is good news. (That’s an important rule, so keep it handy the next several months.) I will let you all know when I hear from him though.

I have been busy doing some freelance design work when not falling on my face exhausted this week, and as I finish up the jobs, I’ll be around more. My time is, as you might guess, limited, but like the Terminator, I’ll be back.

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Progress Report

I love the smell of new months…even if that month happens to be February, the longest shortest month ever. But I’ll forgive February this year because I can see grass, which I haven’t seen from November to April the previous 2 years we’ve lived here. Thank you, Mother Nature, for cutting a sister some slack. My apologies to the Mid-Atlantic for getting smacked with what was no doubt meant for us.

Thanks to those of you who expressed concern (both on and off-line) regarding my last post. I would like to assure you all that we are doing fine here. Probably 90% of the time things are normal and the kids and I are happy. What I am trying to do with this blog is be as honest as possible about what we go through during this unusual time moment in our lives–including that 10% of the time when I’m considering selling the kids on the black market or cursing the universe for the need for a deployment in the first place. I tend to want to work things out on my own first, if I can, before I go to others, but if I’m really having a problem, some of you will hear about it in person long before it makes its way to the blog. So if this is the first you are hearing about a problem I or the kids have had, that’s because it has either been dealt with already to my satisfaction, it’s nothing too major, or I’ve put some distance between me and it and feel comfortable sharing it publicly.  Also, I’m a private enough person to really consider what I throw out into the blogosphere before I type away. I’m grateful for your input and comments and observations though, but please don’t be too concerned. It’s just life and we get through it just like everyone else. We just have a few different wrinkles than the majority of the population.

Let me also say that the most important lesson I learned last deployment was to ask for help before things go off the rails, so I promise that I really do get the appropriate help when it’s needed. I could not be more proactive than I already am about seeking out the right people for assistance. Even with my delusions of grandeur about my own superwoman abilities, I do know my limits when it comes to single-parenting and I’m not afraid of asking for a hand. So no worries!

In fact, I’m tickled to say, this week has been a huge improvement over last. That being the case, I thought I would update the forward momentum of some of my goals.

• K has given me some links to sites that I will find useful in giving a round-up of what’s going on in Afghanistan while he’s there, so I can inform those of you who are interested. I’m starting my reading and research and deciding how to boil it down here a la Cliff’s Notes. Communication with K will be spotty for a while, but sometime in the next couple months that will iron out and we’ll get some regular updates from him. I will let you know when he gets where he’s going.

• Monkey is having a better week and managing some differences in his school routine really well and getting rave reviews for it. He is getting used to a whole lot less TV and seems to be enjoying playtime (especially with his moonsand this week) very much. We’ve been reading more and playing games, and he must be happy because he tells me daily that he’s glad I’m his mom. Phew! His attention span for talking with K online is short, but now that K has use of a headset with microphone, Monkey can see and hear K, which makes it easier for him to communicate. Hopefully that will help with how much he misses K and, in turn, reduce his frustration and acting out at school.

• R and I had our first Girl’s Night Out last night! We hit the pottery painting place and dinner at Applebee’s, and in spite of showing up to the pottery place not too long before they closed (much to the chagrin of the girl working there), we had a nice time painting. R picked out a box shaped like a heart with wings and I picked a little bowl with no particular purpose yet. We decided to work on our pieces over time rather than rushing through and ending up with crap. That should help with cost too because I won’t have to pay for pottery pieces each time we go, just half the studio fee. I’m already looking forward to the next time and can’t wait to show off my little bowl.

• Thanks to my new menu plan (I’m not calling it a diet, dammit!) I’ve finally shed some pounds and feel better and like I might just meet that particular goal after all. Now I just need to maintain the momentum. It’s taken more discipline than I knew I had to stop eating off the kid’s plates and snacking like crazy while I wait for the bus to bring them home. I make the kids take care of their plates as soon as they are done eating which heads off any misplaced obligation I feel to clear the plate so as to not waste food (and cuts down on the amount of cleaning I have to do). Instead of hanging out in the kitchen surrounded by the temptation of cookies and cheese and chips and chocolate while waiting for the bus to come, I wait in the living room where I can see when it’s coming just as well and read a magazine for a few minutes. I was good last night when R and I went to dinner and had a salad and water. I told R that I was not allowed to eat her fries or leftover burger and she did a good job keeping them from me. I’m trying to stick to 4 400-calorie meals a day and it was a tad early to go off the plan, so I think I did a pretty good job. I didn’t feel bad when we left, so I’m happy.

I’m still working out every day (mostly), doing my Passive/Aggressive routine: rotating between yoga, kickboxing, and running w/some strength training thrown in. I am sore as hell all over but I’m actually enjoying (for the most part) working out and challenging myself that way and grateful to see some changes for the better in my body. Of course the most challenging part is just fitting exercise into my schedule, but I’ve been managing and sometimes Monkey even joins me. He likes some yoga poses, so I’ll pull a mat out for him and he’ll practice too. I have to say that getting the Wii along with Wii Fit Plus has been a great catalyst for helping me acquire the motivation (and nagging, frankly) to stick with this so far. I don’t think I’ve worked out for over a month solid in a very long time. I’m considering picking up another “game” next month—it’ll be my reward for keeping up with my program. I’ve got about 15 more pounds to go, and I suspect they will not go willingly so I need to mix things up or I’ll get bored and quit and be right back where I started…unemployed (and fat) in Greenland. I’m considering getting either EA Sports Active and/or its companion, My Fitness Coach, or Gold’s Gym Cardio Workout (for the boxing). Guess I’ll just have to see where I am in a month and what I think I’m lacking and go from there. It’s nice to have so many good options though.

• I’m still ironing out my writing schedule but sitting down to scribble away daily even if when or how long I write isn’t the most consistent. Most of the time it’s just the hour before I have to be up with the kids, but sometimes I tack on a few minutes here and there depending on what I’m working on. I’ve found a day-long workshop I’d like to attend locally, but I’ve got to think about that some more before I commit since that involves kid logistics as well. I’m still on the hunt for some online courses or workshops and finalize what contest I’d be eligible to compete in, but I have time for that still. All-in-all though, I’m comfortable with the start I have and hope that once I’m clear of freelance work (that I’m hustling to get done), I’ll have more time to devote to writing. At least I’m on the write (haha) path, so to speak.

While my to-do list this week is longer than I care to acknowledge, I’m happy with the headway I’ve made this week and the forward movement all around. K is going to be heading off to a different training area soon so we’ll have limited  communication with him for a bit, and no doubt the kids will have some issues with that, but they’ll get through it and we’ll be creative about how we include him in our day to day lives. In the meantime, we are off this weekend to visit with family and celebrate my big brother’s birthday. I’ll be back early next week to talk more about life among the deployed.

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Anger management deployment style

First of all, I’d like to wish K a very happy 45th birthday. With luck, this time next year I’ll be making him some sort of ridiculous birthday cake like I always do. We got to sing Happy Birthday to him last night via web cam, so it wasn’t a total loss. The kids loved being able to sing on camera, and fun was had all around.

I mentioned a few days ago not having the greatest of weeks, and I was crossing my fingers it would end better, but I think I broke even by the time Friday night ended (thanks to the fun I had doing the Dave and Dave Show). Friday afternoon I had a meeting with Monkey’s team (behavior specialist, teacher, and therapy coordinator) so we could all get on the same page with where he is and what we are doing for him. I’m pretty sure somewhere on this blog I’ve said that Monkey has some developmental and speech delays which wreak havoc on academics for him (he is six but sounds like he’s around 3-4). He’s s-l-o-w-l-y making progress between all the work he does here at home, at school, and at an outside occupational/speech therapy provider. But the last few weeks have seen him backslide a bit and show off some behaviors that are really not like him. He’s not a particularly physically aggressive kid (he’s more of a lover not a fighter), but he’s started acting out his frustrations and protesting doing his work in a more physical fashion. He’s shown restraint, but the intent is there. We’ve all also had to go back to using picture schedules and breaking tasks down more so he can be successful. It’s like one step forward, two steps back. In trying to pinpoint just what could be causing this change in him, the one major event (apart from the end of Christmas which he was very very unhappy about) is K being gone.

The more we sat there talking about taking steps back to get him moving on the right road again, the more angry I became at this situation. I feel bad for Monkey already that it is so difficult for him to get through school work (and honestly, many times it’s not hard. He gets plenty of things and retains them just fine. There’s just a lack of consistency as to what he’s retaining when) and then to have him forced into a life that interferes with how far he had already come and his future progress…I wanted to hit something. His team is doing a fantastic job with him and they love him and understand what’s going on. They’ve been beyond helpful to me so that I can help him too. Seeing all our work coming undone just raises my bile to levels I didn’t know I had. But who do I aim that anger toward? Isn’t that the complicated question?

I would be lying if I said I wasn’t mad at K for deploying. I am and I’ve said as much after Monkey’s meeting. It would be one thing if we didn’t have kids, because I can handle this just fine on my own. It’s painful sometimes to see how this all affects the kids—even if they don’t show it in obvious ways every day—no matter how “normal” I try to keep our life. And I try so very hard. Generally they handle things very well. I doubt anyone would even notice a change in them if they didn’t see them daily, but the changes are there and I can see them clearly and all I can do is damage control. That makes me mad too. That there needs to be damage control. But how long can I be mad at K for doing his job? It’s what he signed up for and what he is required to do. I know this quite well. His job pays our bills and puts a roof over our head. It’s more than I’m doing right now.

So do I shift that anger over to something greater? Do I get mad at the government for sending our troops to these places? Or do I get mad at the terrorists for hating us enough to want to kill us? I can’t see what good that would do. Obviously any anger I possess will just be hanging out there with nothing to do if that’s where I take it—much like a teenager at the mall. The more I consider my anger, the more I realize that it’s not helping and having it sit out in the open will only affect the kids in a less than positive way. It is up to me to be the better example.

Oddly enough, yesterday I came across a couple of articles on cnn.com about studies done on children of the military during deployments. The most recent was about how adolescents handle deployments (here’s that study) and the other was more about families in general (and this study). The first article talked about anxiety levels in pre-teens and teens who are going through multiple deployments and how they compare to teens not going through deployments. I don’t think anyone would be surprised to know that kids of deployment have more anxiety. Seems obvious. What the article also says though is that the kids manage and adjust better when their non-deployed caretaker is doing better. I can’t say I’m surprised there either. I didn’t do such a hot job last time and it definitely made a difference in R. I learned that lesson before anyone wrote about it and that is why I’m not working in an office anymore. The less juggling on my part means more time to help the kids, and hopefully a calmer and more consistent me.

So I’m working on letting go of the anger (again/still/some more) and concentrating on helping Monkey instead. Maybe this week I’ll do a couple more kickboxing routines followed by a whole lot of yoga. Today starts a new week and I can leave last week’s disappointment behind. I’ve got a full to-do list this week and it’s time to make this new routine I’ve concocted work. My new meal plans are underway, as is my work out routine and writing schedule. I’m making better progress than I have in a long time on some freelance design work, and so far the household sniffles seem to be abating. It’s time to go break out Monkey’s moon sand, get R on the bus, feed the doggies, and get moving in the right direction because that is what I do.

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