Speedbump

I can’t say I’m having a bad week, per se, but something is definitely off. Even the weather has been all over the place. It was warm enough to melt the driveway ice (finally) and our poor two-faced snowman. I enjoyed the warmer weather (and the sight of grass in January), I won’t lie. But today it’s back to below freezing and the gains I had been making this week froze as well.

My “to do” list for the week was one of the smaller one’s I’d made in recent history and I was on my way to completing it when things just sort of derailed somewhere around Tuesday night. I think my inadvertent acceleration of a design job I’m working on was the culprit along with a few nights in a row of going to bed way too late (thanks to streaming video of one of my favorite shows Wire In The Blood on Netflix), but now I’m behind with everything. The cleaning didn’t get done, the laundry has piled up, K’s birthday present didn’t get made or shipped, and the work I was doing on our reward system has come to a screeching halt. My sitter for Wednesday night had to cancel so R and I didn’t get to start our girl’s night. My friend, H, had to cancel our weekly Thursday night dinner due to illness, and a meeting I had with Monkey’s teacher and Behavior Specialist got postponed to today. Of course, today, R may be home with her turn having a cold that started with Monkey last week, so I may have to change the meeting time again if I can’t get a sitter for the hour. I’m hoping R will be feeling better and want to go to school by the time I have to leave for the meeting. If she doesn’t go to school, I’m also going to have to figure out when I can go food shopping and run errands which is what I was going to do today while they were at school. Luckily, we’ve got plenty to eat still, so it’s not like we will starve and some of the errands can be run this weekend. I just hate when the threads of my tightly woven schedule start snapping.

Now, it’s not a-typical for my weeks to get blown off-course even when K is around. That part is normal. If K were here though, I probably wouldn’t be giving a second thought to the laundry, house cleaning, food shopping, or trying to find a sitter so I can go to a meeting. I would have built-in back up and someone to share the household  chore load. So what am I doing about it besides make a slew of contingency plans? Well, I’m doing my best to stick with some of my new habits so I don’t completely fall off the wagon quite so quickly. I’m still writing every day, working out for a half an hour each morning, I’m doing extra academic work with Monkey before school, and I give myself some time to try to figure out how to improve the next day. Basically, I manage—just like every other single parent. I’m also trying to cut myself some slack, recognize where I’ve gone astray and try to correct when I can. And I look forward to the end of the day and the start of the next with more enthusiasm than I probably should. Nothing like a cleanish slate.

Probably the hardest part of all this isn’t the fact that I can’t rely on K or can’t talk to him about it (we do chat when we can, but those times are short and infrequent as you might imagine), but reminding myself to not get so wound up about snafu’s that are inevitable. Generally I can roll with it, but I can tell by the number of trips to the kitchen just how stressed these things make me even if I pretend they aren’t bothering me. It’s catching myself and altering my thinking before I undo all these new good habits that is the hard part. With all the mental acrobatics I’m doing to keep on track, my brain ought to be about 10 times larger by the deployment is over. And won’t that be a sight! I’ll look like a bobble-head. I’ll probably feel like one too. But, I’ll be a mostly stress-free bobble-head with her shit together and that’s fine by me.

It’s time to get moving and quit yapping. My vacuum awaits and the laundry won’t do itself. Here’s to the weekend and the ability to start fresh.

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Hits and misses

Thanks to everyone who voted and provided me with feedback. I really do appreciate it and will take it into consideration as I move forward. Like I said, I generally have plenty to say, but sitting down to say it and/or picking what to say can be a challenge. Your opinions help. I spoke with K and he’s going to give me some links to good resources about what’s going on overseas (the ones we are allowed to see anyway) and he said he will try to check in here and comment with updates as he can. That, of course, will depend on how often he’ll be able to get online. There will be times his updates will come from me based on our emails during the week if he doesn’t have a chance to write. I’m sure we’ll figure out something a little more regular once he’s there and in a communication groove.

Life for the kids and me has been pretty good the last couple of weeks. We are almost into a regular routine. R and I had a mini board meeting last night (she’s my VP of Operations after all) to talk about responsibilities, allowance, helping out with Monkey so I can write once a week, and our twice-a-month girl’s night out. I spend plenty of one-on-one time with Monkey because he’s home with me half a day every day, but R doesn’t get much if any time alone with me, so I hired a sitter to come and hang with the boy which will now allow me to watch R during her sparring class and then take her to dinner and either the book store or the ceramic painting place. We are both looking forward to it quite a bit. R was a 3-year-old heartbroken maniac last deployment and our relationship was not the best (that’s an understatement). Thankfully, she’s of that age now where I can reason with her to get her to do most things, but by letting her help out more (she can make herself a fried egg sandwich all by herself and frequently does!) and making the time to be alone with her I think we will be more allies than adversaries. It has always been a top priority of mine for this deployment to make us closer, not drive us apart like last time.

Positive reinforcement is the phrase of the week for both kids. I’m working with Monkey’s team (his teacher, behavior specialist, and occupational & speech therapists) to come up with a reward system that bridges home and school. It is no easy task and I’m still thinking about how I’m going to put it all together here. He’s not ready for an allowance, but he loves tv, toys, and going places, so that’s my currency. Keeping him away from the tv until he earns the time is an uphill struggle, but thanks to a suggestion by his behavior specialist, a rice (and bean) bucket full of small plastic animals, wooden and crystal gem shapes, magnetic numbers, and little letter beads is now hours of fun (and clean up). He and R both will spend about an hour or more playing with everything in there as you can see…

R & Monkey playing in the rice bucket

Look at all that stuff to find!

The neat-freak in me is a little on edge at the thought of 15 pounds of rice ending up all over the place (whether in small increments or catastrophic deluge), but given how much he likes playing with it and how it’s not tv, I’m ignoring my inner Felix Unger for the moment and teaching Monkey how to vacuum. We are going to use a token system where he earns tokens at school for doing his work and he brings them home. From there, I get to figure out how big a deal to make (he loves praise and to make me smile) and what kind of reward to give him. I’m sure I’ll have this worked out before the week is over and hopefully it will facilitate him making even more progress.

With all the work going into a reward system for the kids, I’ve been contemplating using one myself to help meet my goals (writing, work, and weight-loss). Self-motivation and reinforcement has never been my strong suit, but it’s not too late to change that. I’ve got plenty of practice and knowledge of positive reinforcement training from my time working with dogs. I know it works and the results are long-lasting. So today, I’m going to think about what rewards I’d work hard for and what I’m going to have to do to earn them. I’ve already put together my writing schedule, my workout plan, my menu options, and figured out where my freelance work hours generally fit in. I’ve now worked out enough that I actually look forward to doing it and can pick it back up after missing it for a couple days. I can’t say that I’ve seen any physical results, but the habit is there and the dislike of exercise is fading. I guess that’s a good enough result for the moment. Hopefully if I can create and maintain the positive reinforcement, I’ll start to see changes that are more acceptable to me and my goals will start falling into place.

We’ve definitely had more hits than misses recently, although the missing has certainly begun. K and I missed our anniversary last week and we’ll be missing K’s birthday next week. The kids are starting to miss him out loud now, too. Monkey doesn’t usually say much when K travels (he spends 85% of his time with just me normally anyway), but the last few days he’s mentioned to all of us that he misses his Daddy. He did get some webcam time with K a couple of days ago, which is great, but I think it makes them both sad. R, on the other hand, loves webcamming and it doesn’t make her sad at all. I’m sure the novelty will wear off at some point, but right now, being able to email and chat with K on her own terms helps her with the missing part. Monkey just isn’t at that level and requires others to help him communicate with K. I am glad Monkey says anything at all because I’ve been unsure how he was going to deal with all this. His language is so far behind, that he’s not always able to get across what he’s feeling, but he’s getting there and him telling me he misses K is a huge improvement and it’s better than him acting out which is pretty typical of military kids during deployments.

K also missed the first really good snow of the season last week–the kind you can make snowmen out of. After I finished shoveling and the kids wrapped up sledding down the snow piles left from the plow guy, we got together and made a snowman on the front lawn. They each wanted something different (Monkey wanted a Frosty and R wanted to make K), so they each took a half and decorated. It worked out better than I thought it would and we all had fun doing it. It was just getting dark when we finished, but we were all amused with our Frosty Dad.

Frosty side

Daddy side

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Poll Dancing

Sometimes I think I have too much to say and I spend a lot of time self-editing/censoring and thinking about how I want to present it and too little time actually writing it down. I’ve been thinking quite a bit about how to both keep motivated to write here, and what types of things to write about. I have some ideas, and I would love some feedback from the readers who will have to suffer through my posts. That’d be you.

So here is a poll for you to check the box for what you’d like to see here on a regular basis. You are also more than welcome to write in something deployment related you’d like to know about that maybe I haven’t touched upon. I’m open to suggestions, and I’m curious as to what you are curious about. You may pick more than one item and you may also add your own suggestion. You may only vote once, however.

Please do vote! I want this to be beneficial not just for me, but to everyone out there who would like to know more about life during a deployment. I can always use the guidance and I would rather have some concrete subjects than sit around flailing about not knowing what people would like to know.

So thanks in advance for participating.

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Talking about a revolution

I’ve decided that I’m ditching resolutions in favor of a full-scale revolution (defined as: “A sudden or momentous change in a situation.”). I don’t suppose it surprises anyone (besides me) that starting a revolution involves more than acquiring a theme song. Being a revolutionary takes thought, consideration, a fair amount of flexible scheduling and tweaking of said schedule. That’s mainly why I haven’t been here since I wrote about K’s departure. I have quite the year ahead and I’ve been trying out different configurations to my day to fit in the many components that make it up. I still don’t think I have it nailed down, but I’m figuring out how much I can realistically bite off and chew without choking.

New Year’s resolutions are not my forté by a long-shot. I don’t usually make them, and, in fact, probably would not have considered a revolution if K leaving hadn’t set things off. I need a good kick in the ass anyway, so I’m taking advantage of the timing which just happens to fall during that point of the year when everyone thinks improving themselves at the drop of a digit is a good idea. Unlike most resolutions that are made on a whim and a bad tradition, there’s a bit more thought involved in my case. As much as I want and am ready for a complete personal overhaul, I have to be kind of careful how drastic the change. Going through a deployment alters a person anyway, and making too many other changes has the potential for disaster in a military marriage. Sure, everyone changes from year to year, but generally (and hopefully) couples grow and change in the same direction or at the very least in each other’s presence. When you are apart, you can communicate new aspects of yourself, but until you are cohabiting again you don’t know if your new selves will mesh. Not many military marriages last and I’m guessing this is probably one of the many reasons. We are still working out the effects of the changes from the last deployment, so theoretically, I should be thinking of ways to minimize my contribution this time around. The other side of that coin is that I need to keep in the back of my mind the chance that K might not come home at all, and if that is the case, then I need to be able to support my family and be happy with myself and I’d rather hit the ground running in that case. Insurance money only lasts so long, and I want a career I love, not just a job to get by if I can swing it.

So, what will I be doing with myself this year? I guess I should lay out what’s already on my plate. I’ve got my freelance design business which is steady work and possibly more than I can manage time-wise most days. Once I finish my current obligations, I intend to scale back (more on this in a minute). I have my work with Monkey who needs extra help catching up. There’s the need to spend time with the kids both together and separately. I run the household, and that includes admin responsibilities (like bill paying, grocery shopping) as well as cleaning and laundry (with some help from R & K). Communicating with K is also on the list but is random and will only be more random as the year goes on. For the last year I’ve been taking art classes and I may slow down with it or switch it up with other types of classes, but I will probably continue to take one now and then. And lest I forget down-time when I get to goof off on my computer, read, and/or watch movies without guilt.

What does that leave time for? Maybe a potty break. Maybe. And a cat-nap. However, the two big and very important additions to my daily schedule are losing weight and getting my long sidelined writing career back on track. The two are not so disparate as they might seem. I am an eats out of frustration/anger/stress kind of person and I have spent the last couple of years being angry/frustrated/stressed but with a great kitchen. Probably not a good combo. I was angry about moving, frustrated at my new role staying home with a lack of time for the career I thought I should have, and stressed about the pending deployment. I’m no longer stressed about the deployment. It’s here and I feel confident we will be fine now. I am still not always thrilled about having moved, but I’m not so angry anymore either. I know I’m not leaving here for a long time, so I might as well try to enjoy it. That leaves frustration and 20 pounds to work off.

I have spent over 10 years doing graphic design, but I have spent the last 30 years wanting to be a writer. It is what I’ve gone to school for (twice) and the only career I ever imagined myself having. The graphic design blip has been a fun way to make a living, but I don’t believe it is where my heart and soul are. Hence the plan to scale back the design business once I’ve met my obligations. This decision is a rather big (if not inevitable) step for me. I had writer’s block for about 8 years and sadly thought I would have to give up my writing dream, but I have finally broken through it and have the compulsion to write all the time now. Granted, you haven’t seen me here, but I have been writing every day. I intend to keep it that way, too. I’m still working on a writing plan to make sure I post here with regularity while also working on my main goal for this year: to enter an essay contest (I have not chosen which among a handful of contests to enter yet). I’ve never been much of a fiction writer (although I do like to write short stories once and a while), but I have always loved feature writing and essays. I’m in the position to make this happen if I can marshal up my ambition and determination and scrape up some time. Many writers have built careers with far more going on in their lives. There’s no reason for me to not make the effort.

As for the 20 lbs. of edible frustration I packed on… Before K even left, I had begun working on the writing part of my planned revolution as well as the weight loss portion. Thanks to the Wii (Fit Plus) we got for Christmas, I am now geeked out enough to work out along with the family mii’s for at least 20 minutes a day boxing, running, and/or some other silly exercise option. It’s amusing (and sometimes frustrating), but it’s got me moving around and sweating in Winter, which, frankly, is unprecedented. It has also prompted me to get back into yoga and consider re-starting my favorite form of exercise, kickboxing (getting fit and hitting things? Oh yeah!). So, if I manage the frustration level and stick to writing instead of eating when angry/stressed/frustrated, I should be well on the way to being a lean, not-as-mean, writing machine.

Those are my goals. I’m a few weeks in and while I’m erratic with posting for the moment, I am building the habits and clearing the paths. And now that I’ve said everything out loud to the world, hopefully that will keep me honest. We’ll just have to see. I am hopeful though.

And lastly, just to update everyone on K’s life: he is still at his training facility and studying and learning as much as he can to make his job as intelligence officer a success. He loves the work and is feeling better now that he shook the bronchitis he was sporting while home on leave. This week they are training at a haunted abandoned insane asylum and he was very excited to check it out (even though he is without a spiffy specter detector). Maybe he’ll have a second career as a Ghostbuster.

Again, thanks for sticking with me as I iron out the details of my life as a single mom. Things should smooth out soon and you’ll be the first to know.

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Let the games begin: Part 2a

Welcome back, readers! Thanks for bearing with my absence. The Army decided to make me play “shift the space” with our holiday plans at the last minute, so I was scrambling to have our Christmas preparations done a few days earlier than planned. As soon as K got home we visited family for a couple of days, and by the time we got back and got settled into K’s last leave, I was just exhausted and needed some real down time and not just the pretend kind. But I’m back (with a vengeance!) and planning on catching up as much as I can.

Yesterday marked the first day of our “deployed” status. Or as I will call it here, “Part 2a” (2b starts when K leaves the country). Yesterday was also the day that we have been preparing and waiting for practically since the end of his last deployment. All the major changes we made in our lives for the last few years have been made to accommodate this single and long-lasting event. At 9 in the morning—in spite of the snow storm moving through our neck of the woods—K got on a plane to head back to his pre-mobilization station for another couple months of training before he ships out overseas. We won’t see him again until he either comes home on leave sometime mid-way through the deployment, or when he gets home at the end of the deployment. So, probably 4-6 months at the earliest and 11 months at the latest. Since we have little kids I’m guessing time will speed along faster than I expect just like always.

It’s hard to describe everything I felt yesterday without a twinge of guilt. For comparison’s sake, and as I’ve mentioned in earlier posts, when K left last deployment, I was more than a wreck. I’m not sure how much of that had to do with post-partum hormonal shenanigans and the tension brought on by caring for a preemie baby, but I worked myself up into such a state of anxiousness and worst-case scenario contemplation, I made myself physically ill. That, in turn, added a layer of shame and self-loathing for letting my emotions get the better of me, which then set off a frenzied undercurrent of self-doubt that I wouldn’t be able to handle everything. It has taken me a very long time to make peace with that particular feeling as it stuck with me like a barnacle for years. None of those early feelings were the best way to start a major life change, that’s for sure. In hind-sight, I couldn’t help but set myself up for failure (at least on my own terms—milage may vary with someone else’s perspective on my situation) given my complete lack of understanding of what a deployment entailed.

Our parting of the ways was so different this time. There were no tears, no drama (other than the fact that the snow plow guy showed up to clear the driveway just as our friend V came to take K to the airport causing a flurry of activity that cut into our last bit of quiet time together), no sadness, no worries, and best of all no vomiting. We made a couple of jokes, wished each other a good (safe) year, and I told K that I wanted us to find something positive in all this to make our separation worthwhile this time (and I mean to do just that). If I had to pick the major emotion of the day, I think we both felt relief that this whole thing was finally underway. Not only that, and I almost hate to say it, but I felt good. Confident and able. I’m ready. I wouldn’t say I’m excited exactly, but there are many things I’m really looking forward to this year (which I’ll share at a later date) that may not have come about if K were home. And I think K probably feels the same way about his new responsibilities for the coming year. While going to a dangerous place, he is also getting the opportunity to do some new things that really interest and excite him that he would not have been able to do had he stayed. I am also incredibly grateful that the back and forth is ending. We can get into a regular routine that won’t be interrupted every few weeks. And with the holidays over, I feel downright giddy at the prospect of some kind of new normal.

As much as I really disliked the coming and going of the last few months, I will admit that it probably helped the kids get used to K leaving as well as being gone. R was able to give him a hug and a kiss good-bye without crying either, and Monkey just murmured in his sleep. I’m sure they don’t quite grasp just how long he’ll be gone, and they will probably get hit later with missing K, but they were both great about everything. I took them to see The Princess and the Frog in the morning, and then we spent part of the afternoon outside playing in the snow (I shoveled and took pictures and they played). I got a few things done around the house, we had dinner together, and we hung out just like always when K is away. I purposely didn’t make a big deal out of our new change in status and the day passed quietly and with a few laughs even. I could not have hoped for better.

If I wish anything for us this coming year, it’s that I gain enough inner peace to compensate for the simmering anger I normally haul around, and that the kids stay as happy all year long as they were playing in the snow yesterday.

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